Month: June 2023

How can something that felt so right be so wrong? I accept it. But I will never feel it.

U wanna talk about forgiveness? Forgetting?

I will never forget or forgive U for not trying harder.

Come back to me and fix this.

Please.

This year I spent it at the Renaissance Fair with my husband and kid. Normally we go for our anniversary, but the dates worked out with our schedules this year to go a little earlier.

It was a great time. There was a costume contest with a considerable number of impressive hand made costumes ranging from captain hook and more traditional fair attire to the more fantastical beasts of folklore and games.
We also ran into a number of friends and enjoyed some of our regular musical visitors at our haunts by the pirates pub and globe stage.

During one of the restroom stops a young fairy comes up to me and asks me if she can trust me. She leaves her basket of flowers with me so she can take a break to use the restroom herself and I feel a measure of pride that strangers feel they can trust me with their livelihoods.

The father of the day, my husband, is thoroughly satisfied by the day and we make plans to have an adults only trip a little later on after my mom takes our kid on her camping adventures in a few weeks.

The reasons I chose to discontinue relationships with two father figures. My step dad who raised me and whole anger issues and over sexualized demeanor not only endangered me but his own son , and my real father who walked out when I was 5 to be with another partner and raise a daughter not his own but neglect his blood daughter out of bitterness towards my mom. I tried to get to know him later on in life and hoped to redeem some measure of the relationship but was again heartbroken when he again chose his and repeated the same measures of minimal contact and snubs until I just let it go. The trouble was I didn’t want to work for him for less than minimum wage and no way to improve my living conditions. When his wife’s stepson moved here from Romania and showed a passion towards car work, he not only lost all interest in me but made it his mission to let me know how disappointed in me he was for trying to make a life of my own. How warped. Then contact became less and further in-between until it was nothing at all.

to skater boy
its all bittersweet to realize that i find myself still looking at your stories or spotify profile to see the last artist you listened to but then the though of you not thinking of me runs over me and i doubt myself thinking i shouldnt think of you anymore, has it really come to this?

My neighbor April asks for a last minute favor to watch her daughter for a few hours after she was called in to help another nurse.
As I’m opening the door to wait for her, I’m instead greeted by my other neighbors son who speedily tells ne how their big puppy ran into his mother at the top of the stairs and caused their new baby to fly down the stairs. I realize the kid is starting to panic as hes getting stuck in the details of it and call my kid (hisbest friend )downstairs to distract him. The other kid comes by and heads upstairs to play some games. I get the kids some yoohoo and watch them playing the yard until his mother emerges teary eyed. I assure her it’s okay he knocked on our door and the kids had turned their attention to playing Pokémon instead of rehashing the mornings events. I take a moment to tell her about and incident where Iris fell down the stairs pretty early on and was miraculously unharmed after she tells me the baby’s at least eating and eyes seems to be looking okay, but they’ll still take her in to get looked at by a doctor and her other kids grandma was going to drive over to get him. I give her privacy after that.

When the little boys grandma arrives to get him, I send him off with a stuffed dino to help ease the transition. His grandma tries to get me and my kid to join them but I let her know that I have another person’s kid in my care today too and am unable to.

Instead me and another neighbor take our collective trio of kids over to the boba shop and then over to the pool. When I speak to the young girls mom again, she slips me a 30.00 gift card to the cheesecake factory. Their chicken Madeira is pretty awesome but I was secretly hoping to put any donations towards canvas and craft supplies. Getting a good meal is also essential. I appreciate it too, I’ll make a date with the kid with it.

Here’s hoping baby Lilah is resilient in overcoming both premature birth and her first fall in a matter of days.

I wish I could be better. I wish it hadn’t ended up that way. It was beautiful while it lasted but I guess we had to move on. I wish you could see that I tried, I maybe needed to be better. You weren’t the best either, but you were there when I needed. I wish we wouldn’t have become strangers. I want to hold you one more time, I want to hug you one more time. I wish you all the best and maybe our paths will cross sometimes.

My place is a safe haven, not just for my family and myself but for those that need it when they need it.

A few of my neighbors have called on me for childcare services, others instances include being present for inspection appointments, furniture moving, on occasion a shoulder to cry on.

Most recently my neighbor went into labor in the middle of the night and had to ask me on the spot to watch their other boy until they could contact family to watch him. I told them it was no trouble, and the kids enjoyed a wholesome array of activities for the evening before his auntie could retrieve him.

Also as a sort of part time gig I watch another neighbors pre teen daughter whenever she needs it. My own daughter really looks up to her. We’ve recently started a ritual of walking to the newly opened boba place together.

Sometimes the moms slip me a few bucks as thanks, sometimes they can’t and that’s okay too. I’m happy to help .

I don’t know what to call this and it may not be grammatically correct. However, loneliness has been at my door for quite some time. I am 31 years old and I thought my life would turn out differently. I thought I would have had the friends, robust relationships, great job, family, marriage and the life I wanted. I got the job part, nothing else seems to have happened. I am not with the person that I wanted to be with and I don’t have any friends. My family is never together and I am with someone that I am no longer in love with. If I were to say that I feel a sense of isolation and depression that would make sense, I guess.

Sometimes or should I say that I long for deep human connection and wonder how long my life will be this way. I may not know or ever will. Makes me think why my life is this way and was this my journey as a spirit living a human life my destiny. What destiny? When my heart is broken into a million pieces.