Silly me

3 straight nights, same dream. You’re back with him, you’re with him the whole time, I was just a prop to bring about your happily ever after. Could be 100% true for all I know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s been really hard lately coming to acceptance with probably never hearing from you again. I don’t understand how this happened. The last thing you said was asking me to hang out. And I’ve been on my very best behavior since. Just still not good enough I guess, shocker.

“withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy”

started out as the first part,what led to going my own way,alive in the second,know,there is nothing wrong but the condition all share,yet there were two words true from that moment,

i’m done,two words from then on too,lost cause,

nothing that can change,not even what i said,lost in a winding mess in my head,created through dishonesty,yours,change became irrelevant,i don’t need anything but,

let it stay done,don’t speak,and you never more shall lie,to me,
what a beautiful thing,the freedom broken trust can bring.

Down the Rabbit Hole

A few weeks back I ordered some tickets for a hidden Alice in Wonderland cocktail event for myself and my recently engaged lady friend.

April 15th was finally the day we got to go enjoy it. My girls fiance gave us a ride downtown and even though there was no address listed, the place was easy enough to find with their landmark instructions.

My girlfriend made a beautiful little red waistcoat for the occasion, and I found myself a dress with a number of little symbolism tied to the book.

When we entered the venue it had a pretty themed setup. The waiting room covered floor to ceiling with flowered wallpaper, cards and keys hanging from a ceiling covered in lush green and the familiar bottom half of Alice’s gown and stockinged legs dangling down.

It’s 30 past the even start time when the white rabbit comes to collect the group of us gathered, pronouncing us all very late as he ushers us down a hallway covered in fairylights and into a tearoom filled with decorate colored flags, walls covered with shrubbery and mushrooms, behind which a large Cheshire cat smile emerges.

The white queen seats us at our table as an orchestral version of Queens Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the background. Alice lounges in a separate poll garden waving us in and eventually greeting us herself with lewd humor.

The event takes place after the slaying of the jabberwocky and red queen and leads us through a number of puzzles in celebration of the warriors return. The setup they provide us to mix our own cocktails is actually quite magical, my favorite concoction being a lovely blend of blackberry , sprite and whiskey.
Other music that I catch is another orchestral ensemble of Pumped up Kicks, and some lively Spanish jams as we cheer on a large family celebrabrating a birthday as they urge Alice to take more shots with them.

After our hour and a half is up, they gentle urge us on our way back down the path we came. We’re feeling a little pecking now though and decide to continue the party at Maggiano’s after the first restaurant pick of Firebowl turned out to be closed. It was a good time and gave us some great ideas for parties we could throw later on down the line when the conditions are ripe.


I don’t understand why you are so foolish and don’t think ahead and be so irresponsible and hurt me so hard and that’s why I closed my heart, now I’m blocking infinity and you hurt yourself and now you’re with someone after that, it’s not fair.

Am I bad?

Am I bad for wishing that since you have a daughter now, that she will suffer the same pain you put me through? That when that time comes, you will say “I shouldn’t have done that before?” Because up until now I haven’t received any genuine apology from you fully owning up to your mistakes without insinuating that it was my fault.


For so long, I didn’t know why I had to suffer because of an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship. When it ended, it felt like I didn’t have control over myself. Relationships were ruined for me. I felt like every guy out there will hurt me the way he did. I continued dating assholes and I always got the same lesson again and again – to not settle for less. Then I stopped believing in love. Then an unexpected man came into my life. He did not pretend to understand my trauma. In fact, he asked, and I answered. He did not pretend to understand it at that point either. He took his time to learn about my scars but not once did he promise saving me from all of it. The only thing he did was to treat me right. He didn’t do grand gestures. He told me not to expect grand gestures all the time. Then I realized the bad relationships had to happen so that I’d know when I’m finally in a healthy one. Apparently, two people can have disagreements or fights even without all the shouting or the gaslighting. I felt like I could fully be myself. I can act hurt when I’m hurt. I can be angry when I’m angry. Then I understood what love really meant. So I pray to God this is it for me — the good karma after all that suffering from all the bad relationships

Anxious Thoughts

I feel so utterly alone. It’s not that I “need” someone to pick up the slack or take care of me; I have proven to be independent. If not the need, why the want? Why do I desire and crave a person that made me so unhappy? Was I the problem? Should I have settled? He is a wonderful man and he will make a great husband for someone else. I know there was a reason I left, but I’m having so much trouble remembering why. When I do remember our fights I put so much blame on myself. The anxious thoughts keep spiraling … “It’s your fault that he lied.” “It’s your fault he was anxious.” “It’s your fault that your marriage fell apart, you were the one that left after all.” Because I carry so much regret for the yelling, hitting, running away, and fighting, I can’t help but feel it was me who ruined everything. That he was a broken man who needed to be loved and instead I broke him even more. The look on his face when I left replays over and over in my head and it shatters me. I want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. I want to return to him and try to compensate him for everything I have done. I know I left, and because I did, it wasn’t all good. But was that because it wasn’t good? Or because I had a distorted perception of the relationship? Was my leaving a juvenile mistake that I should have rectified? Was my unhappiness rooted so deeply in myself that I projected it onto a man who was only trying to love me? Right now I don’t even crave the love I deserve; good love. I crave him. I don’t know if these feelings and depression are classified as “rock bottom,” but it sure as hell feels like it. How can I be okay? How can I live with the guilt? The regret? I don’t know why I feel addicted to him. Is it love? A sign I should go back? A trauma bond? Or just guilt? I believe so hard in “gut” feelings and intuition. I don’t feel those “gut” feelings anymore. I am so depressed that everything is a blur. I’ve sought the help of podcasts, self-help books, daily affirmations, prayer, journaling, therapy, and so much more. I am desperately clinging to the phrase “Things can be hard and heavy, and still be right.” However, nothing feels “right” anymore. My life feels so wrong; out of place. How can I find happiness? How can I be okay? I just want the feeling like I’m drowning to stop. I want to emerge from these depressive waters I am in. I want to see the silver lining. I want hope. Please, let me have hope.