Back in 2012ish, I was seeing that japanese American guy for a bit? The one that’s twenty five years older than me and employed some impressively manipulative tactics to position himself as a potential partner to me at 16ish in my troubled home with nightly phone calls, video chats, and instant messaging. I spent so much money on phone cards.. only for him to vanish one night and pop back up a few years later?
The one that invited me out to California to meet in person,introduced me to his family and friends but also made nudging suggestions on how I should behave? The one that I dropped exctasy with a few times with and asked me to marry him? But ultimately I backed out because at some point because I couldn’t stand the gold digger looks other people gave me, or the fact that I missed someone else, and most of all the more I thought about the emotional turmoil his choices had strung me over the years , the more rage I felt. You remember that guy right?
Anyway earlier today he messages me a thumbs up. Just a fuckin thumbs up. The analyzer in me connects it to to Volk song Atlanta Dog I shared on Facebook earlier and a line about California in it, but it shouldn’t be because if it is that means he’s been lurking and if he’s lurking there, what else has he been influencing without my knowledge?
I bring it up to my husband and he tells me to ignore it but he is otherwise not as alarmed as me.
I ask Pete why he did it? He responds that he wasn’t aware he had, some nonsense about cleaning up the archives and must have accidentally nudged something. (He’s done this once before years ago. I logged into aim for the first time in a long while and he attempts a call)
I just ask him not to hold any hostility towards me and he says he doesn’t and the conversation ends there, but as I’m trying to guage the danger levels here , there’s a player trying to get my attention on 76 and I wonder what the link is because their name relates to another tangent we’ve been on here. I have a brief panic spiral before going back to my paints. I reckon it’s more along the lines of not wanting to be forgotten rather than the desire to devastate, but I’ve seen so much weird shit… it’s hard to say.
If you ever read these words you’ll know who it’s from. I can’t express enough the guilt and pain I feel for the way I treated you the two (ish) years we spent together. You treated me like a true queen and always listened and respected me— the true ME. And for that I thank you. I wish I could’ve been the person I am right now, back then. I was emotionally immature and lacked the communication skills I need to function in a relationship.Now with 2 kids I realize how terribly I treated the only person who was crazy about me— I truly felt your love and it was unlike anything I’ve ever known and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel it again. So thank you for loving me— even when I was unlovable. I truly wish you the most happiness in the world.
I didn’t say goodbye…
I didn’t want you to go…
Finally some relief after being stuck in a 90 degree house with a broken AC unit for 3 days.
We head to Globe Hall for some live tunes. It’s a small and intimate venue, but nicely decorated with with a variety of artist murals and paintings.
Arriving a few minutes early I pick out one of their specialty drinks, a Huckleberry Mule that I’ll return to repeatedly throughout the night. Nows the best time to check out the merch booth and I find a shirt depicting the hanged man tarot for IV and the Strange Band, Hank William III’s sons musical endeavor.
When my partners friends Charles and Drew show up we congregate on the patio to socialize before the show gets kicked off. I pass a joint around that I stashed for the occasion. We talk Burning man and what it would take to set up a camp not this year but maybe later on down the road as a future experience we’d like to plan for.
Volk heads up the night with an immediate approval from the crowd. Nashville is coming in hot with that little ladies big vocals and wham bam thank you ma’am on the drums, with her guitarist keeping the high energy and complimenting the duo with his own gritty vocals.
I notice a fellow in a blue shirt hanging out near the front of the stage most of the night with a clown nose and the back of his shirt says Sorry in bright white.
Boys from The Goddamn Gallows are also mingling in the crowd. I don’t talk to them but I enjoy just sharing the space.
Next up is IV and the Strange band and they keep the momentum going. Also hailing from Knoxville, they’ve also got that good twangy sound that I love.
The Goddamn Gallows are up but they have some heavy news, their bassist Fishgutzzz up and left hours before the show , so they gotta do a little improv. The first quarter of the show really shows off Jake Orvis skills ( who’s solo stuff I’d listened to for years but I just now made the connection that he’s in the gallows.) Hunter from the strange band comes in to supplement on bass and he does a great job. Other members from the other two bands come in to cameo on a few songs and honestly it’s great, the energy is vibrant and wild in the face of what must have been a very challenging loss for our boys on stage. The crowd showed them all the support and I feel like everyone left having had a good time. Not to mention I was under a giant fan the whole time and the cool down was just what I needed.
It was wrong to apologize. I thought that I’d gotten it wrong but that was a lie to myself.
Forgot what I’d been hoping for.
A book that expanded my universe in high-school beyond my usual selections. It was the title that drew me in and the writing inside that helped me understand other perspectives grounded in real world observations.
Thank you for your time Milan Kundera.
Lately I’ve been feeling bad, and when I say that I don’t mean just bad, I mean that there’s not even a single day where I don’t cry because of a hundred different things. I’ve always know that being a teen ain’t easy, but I never thought it would be this hard, I have my own problems to deal with and, at the same time, I always end up dealing with my friends problems.
And between all of this chaous my best friend, the one person that truly understands me has been ignoring me for the past 20 days. I just don’t get how can he just not look me in the eye while answering me when I say something, he just doesn’t seem to have any feelings for me anymore. I thought they were exageranting when they said that there is a very thin line between love and hate, and he has cross that line. He hates me, but I still love him, just not in the way he wanted me to love him, and I think that it’s unfair that this friendship is ruined because of this, but I also know that it would be unfair to him to keep talking to me and acting like nothing happend when it did. Honestly, I think it would be better if I didn’t still love him, I wouldn’t be this sad if I’d be mad; but that’s not how it is, I want him to come back to my life more that everything, it’s actually starting to be bad what I feel, but I don’t even care anymore, the only thing that I care about is him, and knowing that he is fine even though I’m not helps at the same time it hurts, ’cause he is moving on, he is leaving all of this behind, but he is leaving me with it. I want him to know that I have been frozen on time, everything has changed for everyone but me, I’m still right where he left me.
There will never be any closure and I think that’s the hardest part. I still dream about you.