Month: September 2023

There is a heavy unwillingness to let go.
It is as if I discovered the Rosetta stone
A decade too late and now am perplexed
On what to do with the answer key.
Everyone else feels as if they are smoke and mirrors.
Nothing fills this wasteless void.
If you want me to let go, I will in numberless forms
But there is a tiny crevice in my heart
That cannot, nor will not let go.
There is a magic to this thread you wish to break.
There is beauty in this destruction of all reason.
Somehow the locked gate in a Garden refuses to decay
Even in the most frigid temperatures.
And even though
There are neon signs glaring “crazy”
I cant help but want to speak the language of us
Even though there is nothing left
But the red string of fate.
There is only You.
There is only I.
There is no art of letting go in this equation.
There are only murals of what once was.

Stand on the other side of the room and try to touch me…

It’s funny… He never could and you always did.

I thought we see each other and we know. Because that’s how I had been thinking of our last time. Well, that didn’t happen. We were not on the same page anymore. Of course not. We will never be again. I had issues to accept this for a long time. But now it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t feel much anymore. Even though I know that it will never completely be over. You own a piece of my heart.

Freedom is one of the most important things for me. I love long and intense conversations with my tribe. I enjoy company with the right people. But I want to feel free and independent. I want to be able to decide what I do or don’t do. I prefer insecure freedom over security in prison. The best moments in my life were situations in which I felt free to do what I felt, when I felt in tune with my soul, when I didn’t feel the burden of others’ expectations. We met in one of these times. And I did what felt right. Till this day, even though I know how it turned out later, I think that I would have had more regrets if I had been more careful. I wanted what I did. Maybe it was wrong but without it my pain would not have been smaller. The worst thing had already happened much sooner than I was willing to recognize and accept… I had fallen in love with you.

Years have passed. I think I was more of a fix to you than a person you cared about. It was an illusion and that’s what hurt about it the most. I had a different narrative in my head. I thought you were a different person. Even with all of this time, I grieve the person I thought you were and the people we were together.