i wish

i love you. i still do. things could never work, but i wish they could. i’m a walking cliché, but i still love you to the moon and back. i move on, but my feelings persist.
there are not enough but’s in the world to describe my feelings for you. see you in the afterlife.

Trying to Google Hope, not Death

Trying not to go backwards which involves not

Sexting nameless faces, existential dread,

Looking up death related Dickinson poems,

And reading as if a sleuth the few poems that

Once caused a flutter and then a nose dive into hyperventilation.

However the first thing I noticed was the dramatic exit from my Wellness

And I became a being almost sending dirty pictures (sounds like public sacrifice),

And trying to make out with Nostalgia and Death at the same time.

I am thinking of the library of poems I once dedicated to a man

Who’s one line “I could never love someone like you,”

Seemed to have held its weight the past three years

And perforated my ear drum from hearing new music.

I turn into a mourner of another man who

Seduced me with his normalcy but ran a circus in between lips of a smile.

Everywhere I go there is a wedding and a flower girl, tossing lovingly

Utter destruction for me.

She tosses the pain as if reckoning one day I will stop running,

Let it rinse over me with its shredded paper flakes

And I will stop running backwards.

Forget decimation is the charade.

Google hopeful poems for Emily Dickinson instead.

Addiction to Inhumanity

Death keeps waltzing to my door.

Love, Patience and Rationality are at the windowsill

Chittering as birds

But Death is noisy and boisterous tonight.

I know the three clipped mockingbirds

Are beloved and care

But they also teeter on edges of anger and

Bitterness and resentment that rings clear.

Death has magnificent sashays.

You can see him strut the promenade of my heart

With his silky feet and sultry voice.

I worry about him coming tomorrow


I wish he would leave me to enjoy the

Rain on the windowpane.

The town crier kept saying it was

An irrelevant, microscopic thunderstorm.

I wonder then why does it feel so heavy?

Why does it feel so fatal?

Where are the ones who love me?

Death is such a tease.

Rationality always tries to tap on the window and say

Let Love and Patience at least come in.

After all, they are cold

From my addiction to inhumanity.

They want to help in the moments where

I can’t let myself win.

I let them in to dry their wet socks,

But I tell them they cannot stay.

Game over

I don’t understand why this hurts me beyond schedule. I guess I didn’t know I loved you so much. I thought I had won the game. And maybe I thought we had a choice. We don’t. We never had. Horrible to think that you’re with someone I consider inferior, horrible that you’re going to want to stay friends, lovers and pretend. I win this game because I don’t want to play anymore but it still hurts.

Well….Do you?

Do you love me or not?
You told me once before…
But I forgot.
So tell me now, and tell me true…
So I can tell you, I love you too.
Of all the people I’ve ever met,
You’re the one I can’t forget.
I’d give me angels back their wings,
And risk the loss of everything.
Just to prove my love for you…
I’d go to hell to be with you


I was going through saved photos from the past. They were of you. I keep the 3 pictures of you in a hidden file so they don’t pop up everytime I want to view or post a photo. I made it where I have to deliberately take action to view the pics of you. I know you have no clue I even have the pictures of you. My favorite picture is one of you looking out the car window at dusk. I remember the exact moment it was taken. The way the curls lay upon your warm enticing neck. You would throw y
Damn it I had better stop there.
Part 1


One day you’ll realize how much you actually loved me. One day you’ll realize the error of your ways. I gave you all of me but that still wasn’t enough. When you’ve gone off and explored all that you’ve wanted you’ll realize that you peaked. But I guess you’ve always loved the journey and challenge rather than settling and taking time to appreciate the top. That’s what happens when you love the mountains more.