A Hopeless Declaration

To a girl,
I hope you never read this 🙂

Finding words that I want you to hear is one of the hardest things I can do. It took us about two years to learn how to function without any labels and this is going to throw that all away, but I don’t want to stay quiet.
When we first got close I used to THINK I liked you. As we know, this came out and it did not leave us in a pretty situation. After a few months of on and off talking with different levels of nearness and conflicting intentions we finally got on a smooth path. However, I write this to illustrate the gratitude I have for both our time together and our time apart.
I had many different reactions to our times apart; originating with anger, to jealousy, and finally to an understanding of the construct’s humans create to feel closer.
The first time we stopped talking, after we got into disagreements stemming from past friends’, I was very angry as I thought I knew that you were the thing I wanted. Like a toddler, my emotions rose and my temper soared as the idealistic visions in my shuffled brain did not play out. The next few times I felt pure sorrow; though, this sorrow was not genuine. As before, it was an immature reaction to a situation that I didn’t even begin to understand. Unfortunately, Jealousy was not uncommon during these times. Whether it was Jackson or my imagination, I did not want to think about you accepting someone else. As upset as I was, and how valid those emotions were or weren’t, I came to understand that these were some of the shittiest reactions I could have had.
Like the present, our times together are a calming influence for me. However, there is a negative to us; you have been burdened as my teacher, and that is a burden no one should obtain. From teaching me how to fill my gas tank, being comfortable in my skin, how to touch you, and being better I can confidently say that you are my favorite peer teacher. (Sorry, the band teachers will always be the best adult teachers :/) But. This is not the most important thing you have taught me. In my honest opinion, I believe you have taught me what it truly means to be connected to someone. When I was much younger and much dumber I went through girls like they were the month’s fashion trend. I wanted a connection, any connection. I’ve been ashamed of this for the better part of 4 years. These connections were very shallow and only built on lust or a desire to be less alone, excepting a few. Yet, watching how your friendships play out, including yours truly, made me realize that all of these girls, all of these people, and I were “playing house”. They all want to be connected with a love they’ve seen on screen, like I did, they want to be called each other’s “boyfriend’s”, “girlfriend’s”, “wive’s”, or “husband’s” because that title means you love each other. This isn’t true, afterall, 40% of first marriages end in divorce. Love comes before those titles, and stays long after them too, hell those titles don’t even matter. As humans, we’ve always had powerful connections, and husbands and wives came WAY after. The mutual wanting to know every single shadowy truth and crevice of each other, the strive to be better for the other with NO PRESSURE at all, and the comfortableness to say and do what your soul and body needs in front of the other is Love. At least, that’s the love you taught me, and it is beautiful. Now, I KNOW I like you.
With all that said, I Love you, Nadira. Also, I think you love me. Though we are not in Love. After all, there is an unbalanced amount of lust compared to nurturing and quality time, and that is my fault. Also, we haven’t farted in front of each other and that’s against my third point. Reciprocated or not, I am proud and happy to love you.

With fondness, infatuation, and all I can offer,
A boy with feelings

Book Club

That red and black clown lady I met at the freak show themed birthday once upon a time ago gave a book suggestion that I relayed to my book club and after a few weeks of being on the fence about a number of different options we finally had unanimous approval to read Jesse Q. Sutanto’s Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers.

I’m not responsible for your toxic thoughts.

Well, it didn’t work out – how could it, given all the circumstances – and probably wasn’t much more than a crush that had to end before it had a chance to end naturally. That’s probably what kept us in that weird loop for so long. The mystery of what if and the lack of a chance – me at least. I admit that I got obsessed with that. In my mind it was paradise that kept me going. Now years later and after all that crazy shit I’m healed I guess. When I think of you I can hardly recall that feeling I had. I don’t hate you, I don’t love you, it’s nothing anymore. But I believe that all of this has a deeper meaning. Now I see “red flags” everywhere I go. When I was young I just wanted to feel. That’s over now. I’m not able to unthink what I see. My heart is in prison and will probably never be let out again. It’s not your fault. It was in prison before.

I wish this letter was a goodbye

Hey Mom and Dad,
I wish I could tell you how much pain you have caused me,
I wish I could tell you how many nights I laid awake crying,
I wish I could tell you that I don’t love you anymore,
I wish I could tell you that I have more meaningful conversations with strangers than you,
I wish I could tell you that I don’t remember the last time you hugged me,
I wish I could tell you that I don’t remember the last time that you told me your we‘re proud of me,
I wish I could tell you that I don’t love you anymore
I wish I could tell you that I don’t hate you because I don’t care enough for that anymore,
I wish I could tell you that I want to cut contact with you soon,
I wish I could tell you a final goodbye,
I wish this would have ended differently.


I have a little battle cat

Her name is Astrid
She struggles with her feelings
When they get real big
She lashes out
She shrieks and shouts
To her brothers and sisters chagrin

My solution to the problem
Was risky at its best
I reasoned if I could divert her anger
There would be less excess

I send her to the outdoors
Where she might chance a hunt
But the other day post Heilung
She went missing for three days

Day three She wakes me up
In the early hours of night
Meowing at the window
That she was tired of being outside

She had been lost but thankfully
I listened to friendly advice
And left a litter box outside
So she could sniff her way to safety

She learned a valuable lesson
Dry from the rains that followed
She’s not so great a hunter
And she’d rather deal with siblings than cold weather

Miller time

Oh, man. Where do I start today? So many things I wish I could say to you.
Tonight you came in and saw a stitch stuffed animal, smaller than the one you spotted last night and more affordable. I had already gotten mine and shoved it in my back pocket. Stitch eating a watermelon slice. You picked stitch drinking from a coconut. With only 3 choices, the other being stitch with a pineapple. I watched you go over them a all a couple times. Watched the realization on your face when you found the straw in the coconut was attached to the mouth. Same as I had just a couple hours before.
A while later I was doing something and said “I just need my muffin. I need something for breakfast” and at that very second, right as I punctuate that t… I looked right into your eyes.
One Mississippi
Two Mississippi
“Oh how I wish I could escape my own mind sometimes” came flying from my lips as I break eye contact. Instantly regretting it. Its crazy that I can look right at those eyes, beautiful and bright. Somewhere between moss green mixed with winter chimney smoke grey and hints of blue, swirled with flecks of honey. *chuckles* I can see how DMV would get the color wrong every time. I can look right into your eyes, and time seems to stop. Voices start to drown out.
The music fades. All that’s left is you and I. Then in an instant. Bam! I panic and flee.
Why? No clue. Maybe I know deep down its never going to be more than it is now.
Hell, what is it now? Friends? Acquaintances? Or worse. Am I just another woman who has a crush on you? Half the department seems to know about me having a crush on you somehow. I cant tell if its bad or not. Its all so confusing.

Miller time

And just like that. The static is back. As simple as you leaving. Such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. You walking out of my job, and the chaos usually consumes me, returns.
You walk in, and it’s gone. Completely and totally, gone. So gone I searched for it tonight while looking you in the eye. Nothing. Sweet silence I’ve missed so long. Safety. Safe at last.
Simply by you, being. So simple. Yet.. so complicated. It always is. I could write a book on all the ways our lives are completely too complicated for this to ever happen….but the chaos has completely overwhelmed me now.
Hello Darkness, my good friend
Goodbye safety

Since you wrote, I’ll write one too.

All arrive and all will go
A path with which design may flow
Beyond our Mortal finger tips
And betrayed by lips intended bliss

Seasons pass and the path will wind
Down narrow corridors and uphill climbs.

Success depends upon the key
You choose to unlock your life’s mystery.

Crafted with the minds intent
Informed by artifacts of ages
And of previous ends met
Then and now, here to there
Searching for what feels like fair.


My first relationship just ended.
I’m in highschool, so it’s not like I expected we’d last forever, but at least more than a month..One month, that’s how long we were together for. One month of dates, meeting his family, always hanging out at school. One month of “I’m sure we’ll last long, we won’t be one of those quick, ‘meaningless’ relationships”. We never even got to say “I love you”.
It didn’t end on bad terms, but I just don’t understand it. They said they weren’t ready, yet they were the one who initiated it. They said they were going through a hard time, and that it would’ve been better if we had gotten together another time; yet they’re the one who pushed the relationship to start this early.
I’m not trying to blame everything on them, at least I don’t want to, but I’m hurt, and I just don’t know what to do woth myself. I’m so confused.