A Hopeless Declaration

To a girl,
I hope you never read this 🙂

Finding words that I want you to hear is one of the hardest things I can do. It took us about two years to learn how to function without any labels and this is going to throw that all away, but I don’t want to stay quiet.
When we first got close I used to THINK I liked you. As we know, this came out and it did not leave us in a pretty situation. After a few months of on and off talking with different levels of nearness and conflicting intentions we finally got on a smooth path. However, I write this to illustrate the gratitude I have for both our time together and our time apart.
I had many different reactions to our times apart; originating with anger, to jealousy, and finally to an understanding of the construct’s humans create to feel closer.
The first time we stopped talking, after we got into disagreements stemming from past friends’, I was very angry as I thought I knew that you were the thing I wanted. Like a toddler, my emotions rose and my temper soared as the idealistic visions in my shuffled brain did not play out. The next few times I felt pure sorrow; though, this sorrow was not genuine. As before, it was an immature reaction to a situation that I didn’t even begin to understand. Unfortunately, Jealousy was not uncommon during these times. Whether it was Jackson or my imagination, I did not want to think about you accepting someone else. As upset as I was, and how valid those emotions were or weren’t, I came to understand that these were some of the shittiest reactions I could have had.
Like the present, our times together are a calming influence for me. However, there is a negative to us; you have been burdened as my teacher, and that is a burden no one should obtain. From teaching me how to fill my gas tank, being comfortable in my skin, how to touch you, and being better I can confidently say that you are my favorite peer teacher. (Sorry, the band teachers will always be the best adult teachers :/) But. This is not the most important thing you have taught me. In my honest opinion, I believe you have taught me what it truly means to be connected to someone. When I was much younger and much dumber I went through girls like they were the month’s fashion trend. I wanted a connection, any connection. I’ve been ashamed of this for the better part of 4 years. These connections were very shallow and only built on lust or a desire to be less alone, excepting a few. Yet, watching how your friendships play out, including yours truly, made me realize that all of these girls, all of these people, and I were “playing house”. They all want to be connected with a love they’ve seen on screen, like I did, they want to be called each other’s “boyfriend’s”, “girlfriend’s”, “wive’s”, or “husband’s” because that title means you love each other. This isn’t true, afterall, 40% of first marriages end in divorce. Love comes before those titles, and stays long after them too, hell those titles don’t even matter. As humans, we’ve always had powerful connections, and husbands and wives came WAY after. The mutual wanting to know every single shadowy truth and crevice of each other, the strive to be better for the other with NO PRESSURE at all, and the comfortableness to say and do what your soul and body needs in front of the other is Love. At least, that’s the love you taught me, and it is beautiful. Now, I KNOW I like you.
With all that said, I Love you, Nadira. Also, I think you love me. Though we are not in Love. After all, there is an unbalanced amount of lust compared to nurturing and quality time, and that is my fault. Also, we haven’t farted in front of each other and that’s against my third point. Reciprocated or not, I am proud and happy to love you.

With fondness, infatuation, and all I can offer,
A boy with feelings

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