I am 26 now.
I know how to do taxes, and work out loans and be an adult most of the time.
But I haven’t dated in 7 years, and I’m terrified to try. I don’t remember what to do, and I know I will constantly backpedal my own boundaries just to make someone happy.
I want to be happy but I feel like I’m just treading water in a pool where everyone else can stand. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
And I’m probably never going to find someone who’d date me here.
I still live with my parents, because if I live on my own I will spiral into a pit of despair. Which is so dumb? Like I can’t want to live enough on my own? And it’s so stupid I can’t trust myself.
I feel useless. And I know in my head that people love me, but in my heart I don’t feel it.
And I don’t know if that’s because of the trauma or that fun little chemistry fuck up in my brain. And I don’t feel happy. Just normal or like I’m going to go off the deep end. The meds made me feel like I wasn’t even human, like I wasn’t anything.
I don’t know what to do about any of it, I did therapy, for like a year and every time it just made me feel like fragile spun glass, like the thin end of a Prince Rupert’s drop. My therapist was great and super qualified, but it was like I was scrubbing at skin til I bled, with no relief. No skin patching itself back together.
I am so tired, so tightly wound that it feels like everything holding me together could snap if I make the wrong move.
And I’m probably pretty fucking obnoxious, I ask questions like it’s an interrogation, about random shit like if you were a cat what kind would you be, or what superpower would you want to have.
I think I missed some sort of social protocol, and I’m not well adjusted. Which is insane, because I have two parents who love me and each other. Two siblings who love me, and friends all around. And somehow I’m still lonely.
And I don’t want to get into a relationship with anyone because I’m lonely. I want to do it because I like the person.
But I want to build a home and a life outside of my cat. (She’s lovely but if she keeps going outside she might get eaten by a bear.)
I just want
1) to be happy
2) something to look forward to that doesn’t feel like the other show is going to drop
3) a girlfriend(?)
And at the same time I don’t want anything at all.
Anyhow, if you read this, thanks. I hope your day/night is going well.
Your not so locally sourced lesbian/ace disaster