First I will note that I fear being melodramatic. Sorry in advance if that is the case. Second, I know if I could that I would scatter this entire page with “im sorry”s for things that probably weren’t even wrongs. So I’m going to get it out now. If it is possible that any of the things I worry I may have done wrong actually were wrong, I’m sorry. That’s a horrible way to start a letter. I am insecure. It’s obvious. I am insecure and fearful, and I’m anxious because of it. I fear “using” you or your friendship with ulterior motives. I fear idolizing you and comparing myself to you in unhealthy ways or using you as the standard with which I beat myself. (sorry for the melodrama.) I fear I don’t know my own heart. I fear that my same-sex attraction will put barriers in our friendship, real or imagined. I fear myself either going too far or being too reserved. I fear scaring you away or causing you harm. We both know that we are both physical people. How the touch of a friend is like a recharging of the soul. I am terrified of abusing that consciously or subconsciously due to same-sex attraction. (Objectively, you are gorgeous, and I know you know that). I fear straining our friendship with insanely high expectations that I should only be expecting from a man I may marry one day. I fear being too selfish, taking and not giving. I fear I will always be too quiet, because in my anxiety my mind goes blank in conversation and I have no clue what to say, until after you drop me off at my dorm when suddenly I think of a million different things I wished I had said. Imagined conversations. I sometimes get the feeling that I am acting like a sick puppy around you and _____, never leaving of my own volition but always waiting to be politely “kicked out”. I fear losing you. I fear drifting away. I fear pushing you away. While I do fear the possibility of putting you on a pedestal and idolizing you, objectively there are many ways in which you excel that I need to take note of. Because you inspire me greatly.
I honestly think you will change many lives (you definitely already have…). I’ve never seen anyone with as much of a genuine passion for life and art and hard work and knowledge as you have. You’ve worked so diligently getting your degree and you already have experience in your field. Hell, you have experience in LIFE. You have concrete plans. You have a vision. You have fire. You have purpose. When I first met you, I was put to shame by the amount of stories you had to share and art you’ve made and people you’ve met and lessons you’ve learned. The students you’ll teach are only going to be better after meeting you. You’ve already taught me a lot, and I’m not even a student of yours. “Can you direct me?” was a shitty nervous joke that I made in my own misunderstanding of what you meant, but it’s actually a great Freudian-slip sort of plea. If I could I would have you direct my life and show me what I’m doing wrong and what I can do instead. You are, inadvertently; I also fear that I am just “copying” you one way or another. My own parents warned me of that. I know I’m capable of disingenuity and being a chameleon. It’s difficult when it seems more and more that I am allowing myself to “like” or be “into” things I held myself back from. Crocheting, braids, updos, earrings, nice clothes, even Christian contemporary music and abstract art – two things I had firmly decided I absolutely hated. You’ve lifted me up to see that I *can* like what I like and you have softened my heart to the things that I thought I totally despised. You are not afraid to be yourself no matter how many people try to tear you down. You learned that lesson early, I think. Another “im sorry” for how slowly I’m learning it. (or maybe you’d tell me I should have a backbone and that growing is nothing to apologize for).
Thank you for being the greatest older sister I never had.
With my gift shopping this year, at least With my mom and brother. I got mom the same finger flipping gnome that we spotted at linch her last visit (she knows just the neihbir she wants to face it toward), and my brother a dungeons and dragons cookbook with a pair of dicey sweatpants that say this is how I roll.
In turn they got me set up with some much needed fresh kitchenware and care products I’d been delaying purchase on. My mom helped my husband find a new addiction in ship puzzle building. Now he has plans to invest in a display cabinet to keep all of his future projects safe.
Mom also gets news that the doctor who performed her 95,000 dollar back surgery died in a personal plane accident. She’s saddened by this and also brings up the tale of the orthodontist who fixed her mouth in her teens who met an eerily similar fate.
After my folks left we dove into our next home renovations, with a good deal replacing our broken down dishwasher, stove, fridge and microwave. This comes as a massive relief for me, having been making due with 2 burners and no dishwasher for a number of years now.
Lo! Not all news was good news as emails were sent out to everyone in Colorados school districts over potential violence being instigated through tik tok, particularly warning for the December 17th date. The day before this wary date I was picking my kid up from school and a group of mixed high school boys and girls lay in the grass shooting finger guns at passerby. I emailed with my kids teacher who persuades me to trust that she’ll be there and there was no credible threat before sending her in the next day, and while nothing necessarily violent happens as I’m walking to school that day to get her. I hear fireworks being lit off close to school bot helping with my latent anxieties.
Tomorrow I get an xray to see if I have a wayward piece of medical tech hanging out in my abdomen somewhere while the rest of the kitchen appliances are installed, grateful to have the means to spend this time to fortify health and hearth.
It was Beni.
Do you ever wonder what we could’ve been? What we would be like together if we tried again? I think about the times we were together, what people would call young love. Do you still have the drawing I made for you? I think about when I made that, I was in a bad place at the time. Living in a home crawling with drug addicts, including my mom.
I remember the day it rained out, and we still played soccer. I knew I shouldn’t because I was wearing nice clothes for pictures later that day. I slipped in the mud trying to kick the soccer ball and you laughed so hard. Remember when we use to smoke together at the junior high? Or when you thought I was asleep, and slowly came down to kiss me? Those are the days I cherish the most. Can we rewind the time back to the good ole days, or give me another chance to try again with you? I can not shake my feeling for you away, and I don’t know why.
I feel so guilty, I am with a man I love truly. So why do I feel like an invisible rope is pulling me towards you? We don’t talk anymore, you got your life going doing what you love. That’s what I find funny, you love welding as much as I do. You thought I was trying to copy you when we did reconnect for a day, but you would know how much passion I have for welding if you never moved.
We could’ve conquered the world together, but it’s too late now. I hope you find the girl of your dreams, I will be on the sidelines cheering you on from afar. Just know I will always have these feelings for you. Maybe in another dimension we are together, happily, and doing great things together. So until next time…
I was right, you know. Let’s be honest here, we’re playing the long game right? You are just as beautiful as the first time I saw you. I want you just as much if not more. Physical attraction has never been something you need worry about and it doesn’t seem like it ever will be.
Beyond that, you’re as sharp as ever. If anything, more life experience has made you even sharper. I hope you know by now that if the brains didn’t match your insane body I would’ve stopped caring a long time ago.
But you’re not peaking, sorry babe. That’s still to come. You’re great, and you can still be greater. I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished and I wholeheartedly believe in you to soar to even greater heights.
And I’d like to help. Maybe you want someone in your corner who will always advocate for the best for you, even when you don’t see it yourself, maybe you don’t. That’s not really important right now.
Life is short. Every year flies by faster than the last. So do me a favor love, enjoy this day, everything about it: your breakfast, lunch, dinner, what you wear, the people around you, everything. When you go to sleep you should be able to tell yourself this was the best day of 2021. And know that I’ll be thinking of you fondly.
Felicidades mi amor.
Sometimes we miss more what could have been than what actually happened.
I still dream about you… and also of Afghanistan
I dreamt that we were hunkered down, hiding from the Taliban
I watched a documentary about the War on Terror
Then I read some of your old texts… that was my error
My mind must have made some sort of strange connection
Between the love we never had, and Hamid Karzai’s election
I was afraid they were going to drag you out into the street and shoot you just for being a woman, and they would shoot me for being your friend. We were hiding in the kitchen. One of the Taliban got inside and was barking questions at you with a machine gun pointed at your face and you were brave. In my dream you were so brave, you stood up for yourself and talked back to them. Dared them to shoot you.
I was so scared because I thought they would kill you for sure, and I was also proud of how brave you were, and ashamed of how cowardly I was. I was crouching in the corner hoping they wouldn’t see me. You weren’t hiding at all.
I woke up then, and had a bowl of cereal, breakfast cereal is good.
The little moments in between your arrogance were cute.