Where I Am No Longer

To The Other Side I Am No Longer,
There have been nights, many of them. You’ve not known them and maybe you never will. It might have been pride or maturity that made me not drag you down with me when you sent me down these holes, but believe me, I want to see you hurt worse than I have. I remember that day when I talked to you about love, that it was like plucking out a heart, veins and all, and handing it over to the other party, hoping that they would keep it safe, hoping that in their moments of carelessness, they will at least fight to stop it from slipping. I thought you understood, so I let you in, and you walked all over with your muddy feet. When you could no longer stand the waters of your making, you walked out and left the door behind you wide open.
Had I been young, like I was yesterday, I would have come weeping and asking for another chance to prove my love to you. But I have grown up, and these tears now flow inwards. What vanity would it have been to beg again…? Even from a distance, I can see that you are yet to let go of the knife you stabbed me with countless times. You have made it your goal to have me see you with strange arms around you. Daggers, knives, weapons, love is war, there is blood in the water. There are sharks roaming. I’m hurting, but I smile because these tears will give you the power.
If only I could open the door for you to see what’s burning on this other side… If only you could see the rooms that you set on the fire, the blood that flows through these broken pipes, the breath and sighs that still remain in the depths of this chest… If only you could understand what I mean when I say that I have seen the end… I am only writing because I want to believe that it is all over. I had known that it would all fall apart at some point, but it seemed like every morning is a punctuation mark, only for the night to close the brackets and open them again tomorrow, over and over again. Loving you always came easy. Hating you now is really hard, but what else can I do when it is either you or me? What can I do when your glee is my pain? What can I do when finding you is losing myself? Aah, my self-esteem. How many times will I pick it from the ground? How many times will I dust myself and start walking again? How many times will I hurt before I believe that love indeed is war? Maybe I shouldn’t be angry at you but at myself. It was dumb of me to fall for you. It was dumb of me to believe your touch and your lips. I should have known that your laughter was nothing but daggers in waiting.
It was good knowing you, and I hope that someday when you meet this kind of death, you will remember me. For now, I will hurt, but one day I will walk away and love again. For now, you are in another love, but one day, you will fall in hurt, and then you’ll know that the night lasts for days when you walk alone. I wish there was something better to say, but my grief does not allow me to be kind. I desire to say I love you, but this wound is growing blacker with skin. It is here that it has to end, beloved.

Where I Am Now

Family visits

My mom, her husband, and my brother are visiting. They spent all the day in mountain traffic because of the snow. I got to catch up with them briefly before setting up the living room for them to sleep in. Them on the hidden bed and my brother using the couch pillows as a makeshift mattress.
Part of the conversation sticks around after. I brought up some of our former Georgia South neighbors from a long time ago, Diana and Ron. Diana taught me to sew, and very often I’d play Backgammon with her or her husband, for a time I joined them on church. Diana once gave me a book in two parts, one story about a young Christian girl who is thrown to the Roman lions and the young slave owners son who falls in love with her. The other a young girl possessed by a demon to ascend from a life of poverty through prostitution. Heavy reading material for a nine or ten year old.
Mom tells me a memory I don’t remember and little me tells her the church says she’s going to go to hell for not going to church. She says that’s the last time they watched me, or that I went to that church.
They’re likely not around anymore but sometimes I just wonder about them.
Tomorrow it’s going to specific stores my mom wants to see. Followed by a luncheon at the Melting Pot and holiday gifts after my husband returns home.
I am excited for that cheesy goodness.

I wonder…

If I’m legally allowed to text or call you ? I still have your number but avoid deleting it for some reason. Hearing your voice or getting a text from you would make my year that’s for sure… crazy how it’s been years since we actually had any real, direct communication… time flies.

Sometimes I think about contacting you but then I remember that saying “don’t go back to the flame that burned you”… my gut tells me to stay away from you and I always trust my instincts.

The truth is you scare me… I know you have a gun and you seem like the type of crazy girl to kill her boyfriend or husband for no reason. A man shouldn’t be scared of the girl he loves… lol .

You have no chill and that’s not a very desirable quality. I still love you of course but I won’t do anything about it… I wonder if I’m allowed to hit you up tho … maybe I just might babe 😉 I also wonder if your heart ever aches for me… or if you think about me anymore…. Anyways, I love you . I know we’ll never be together but damn I wish otherwise…

Forever yours,

About my friend

Did you really, really know her? Did you know and understand what her dreams were, and did you know her past?
You know you did. You knew her more than others did. And it breaks my heart that at your hands she had to spend so much time reliving things that she never should have had to go through again. When you should have been there for her.
It did make her stronger. She had no choice but to overcome. But seeing what she went through, I wish that it had never happened.
I’m not trying to make you out to be a bad person, but you had a responsibility in damaging her. So as a friend who loves her, I can’t let you get close to her again. She is a special person and her heart, after all it had been through, should have been protected.
You knew better, too.
She thought that you were on her side and would not leave her or crush her heart. And she should have known those things in the end as truth from you. But none of that was actually true, despite the fact you hinted and acted like it was when it served you.
When it came down to it, when the stakes were highest, you betrayed her. You hurt her in a way she never expected or experienced before, and that was after you knew her. After she let you in. Everything she was risking for you, you should have understood the weight of, given your own experiences. But for some reason, you could only think of yourself.

You must have felt that you had some right to be close to her while you were still attached to someone else and staying emotionally loyal to them without telling her. She knew that was the case after, in the way you spoke to her or what you did behind the scenes.
I wasn’t there but it is obvious even in the basic details she shared. And if not that, after the fact it is clear that you saw your actions as justifiable given your own “damage.” If you are at all still living in delusion about that, defensive about your feelings then, that is wrong. You never should have talked to her or flirted with her from day one if that was the case. You should have been straightforward and respectful the entire time. Not taking advantage of her emotions because of how good it made you feel in the moment, then forgetting about her and abusing her heart the second she was no longer convenient.

It seemed like you could not help yourself.
That you still had some sort of perception even after it all to believe that you were a victim somehow. I don’t know if you really got it.
That once she realized how wrong she had been about you, the damage was there.
Her reaction was not “unkind,” for her to shut down and quietly grieve after she had mistakenly showed her emotions when she was vulnerable, or her to need help and unfortunately turn to you in weak moments, when you would just hurt her more. It wasn’t because she is petty that over time she realized she did not want anything to do with it anymore.
She could never see you the same or trust you again because of how you hurt her. She did not decide that in retaliation.
She did not want to remember those things or have to be angry or hurt at all. She ended up there because you broke her. That is your fault, and it baffles me that you ever brought up anything she said against her when your words were so terrible to begin with.
You do not see that you are the source of any misery.

I wish you had seen the gift you had. Instead, you tried to destroy it. And you almost succeeded.
You have no idea what she went through but I do, because I was there. I will never understand how someone could know her and yet treat her this way. I know how sweet and caring of a person she is. She truly gives of herself in a way you could never appreciate. It may have been as simple as your attention being divided or elsewhere. But neglect can be as bad as cruelty. It was cruel to her.
She loves deeply. I am like that too, so I know the huge risk that is and how bad it can be when that is mishandled.

I am not wanting you to feel worse. Just know reality. Just because you regret it later, which it seemed more so due to consequences to yourself rather than to her, doesn’t mean you have changed.
I want you to understand that despite what she may think or do at times because of the kindness of her heart, even for you at times, which makes zero sense to me, I am not going to let this happen to her again. I’m the one who intervenes and I always will. As long as I am here.

And remember if you feel a wall there now it’s because you originally put it up, and I am ensuring it stays there… to protect her.
I will always be there to remind her of the truth, for her to be strong, to be smart.
You can go back to your obsession with whatever was so important you could put her down for it. Which likely, you already did. Or are still at least partly living in anyway. Based on what I know of people similar to you, you are probably going back and forth depending on where you are or what seems most likely at any point in time. A classic case of not knowing what you want, of wanting to have it all without having to sacrifice a thing.
If you went back to that person after telling her you hadn’t, then reached out to my friend at any point after, you should be ashamed of showing that much disrespect.

You did not deserve to know any part of her soul. Consider yourself lucky you once did. And let it sink in that this is over, permanently, forever.
Maybe she tried to forgive, maybe she will continue to try because of who she is, but there will be no second chance.
And if she is ever weak or tired enough in life to momentarily empathize to the point of being open to you even slightly again, I will step in to make sure nothing comes of it.

Where the poem dies

Is this how a poem dies?
Does it occur with closed fists, belly full of thousands of
Dead butterflies never seeing air,
Your name bottled up while I swim down the rivers of my tears
And my mouth becomes but yelps from a mad dog
Aching for a more loyal companion?
I wished it every day through
Misguided attempts, romantic fails,
Through canyons of longing
And hurdles of neon lights and
Hospital dazed vision boards
to reach you.
I dreamt of our meeting just as I have dreamt
Of our parting, eyes staring blankly into the abyss of others who kiss
But do not pierce my soul.
You were everything but indifferent.
All I have now is a film reel full of confusion, friends who cannot
Decipher my sadness, reality striking down as a gavel with the innocent verdict thrown out the window.
Is this how a poem ends,
Always hardly before it arrives?
Just like us
Exacty like you and I.

What am I to you?

What am I to you? I guess I’ll never know. At least I got to experience all the shitty parts of a relationship with you, and maybe there’s a personal moral victory somewhere for me to celebrate someday that I stood by for so long without even a whiff of the good parts. On second thought, it just makes me feel pathetic, but I already knew that and you still don’t care.