his flower

I promised myself a while back that I would stop writing letters to those that I love, specifically you. I thought I could move on past that phase of my life, but as it turns out, I’ve never been one for change. You’re never going to read this anyway since I’m sending it to myself in a couple months, but if you were to ever read this, I think I would be completely mortified.
Disbelief passes me day by day that the boy I once loved could turn into someone so vile and crude. However, memories from this summer often eclipse over that hate so I am never truly able to say loved in the past tense as I should. My mother had gotten especially mad at me one day in July or August from how often I spoke with you, but it was also that day when we sat on facetime almost until 3 a.m. I distinctly remember feeling bare at that moment. Bare not only from loss of makeup and fashion, but bare because that was one of the first nights in months that I had truly been myself. You brought that out in me. The later it got the less we both said. But the beauty of the unspoken is precisely that. I long for the way you looked at me that night; not like I was beautiful, but that I was real. Stared, glared, and studied are all too negative a connotation for that moment. But you gazed. Like I was the every star in the universe. And to me you were the sun. Playing dumb, I asked why you had kept your eyes fixed on me. The most poetic moment we’ve ever shared was your response. A flower you said. I was a pretty flower you just couldn’t take your eyes off. And if I was made with wax rather than blood, I would have melted on the spot. But instead I smiled. Because you gave me one right back.
So no, I guess I don’t really miss you. The Cooper who creates tension, emits arrogance, and stands with the problematic. A problem causer rather than solver. A man whose ego could fill that of a thousand.
That’s not someone I ever knew.
But, once upon a time, I had met a man, who saw me bare to the bone, and still chose to try and win my hand.

i know-knew you

Your full name is Cooper James N—–. Your father’s name is Jeff, your mother’s Chrystal, and your brother’s Josh. You used to have two cats, but now there’s only one and her name may or may not be Sassy. Either way, from all you’ve told me, describing her that way suits her as well. You live in a weird living room basement thing, but if you had the choice, you’d be at your family lake house in Washington. You think money tears people apart, especially when given the situation of winning the lottery in which you wouldn’t want your parents to deal with it all. Because that’s just the type of person you are. The type to not recognize a blessing under all its imperfections.
You like mayo with your sandwiches and would pick chocolate ice cream over vanilla. Even if strawberry was an option. Despite having proper transportation, you still probably wouldn’t get takeout that often. Not just because it’s “unhealthy” though. You barely ever eat breakfast yet tease me for not having dinner. Your mother doesn’t like naps so you try not to take them, though it’s happened accidentally a few times. Sleep? For the weak, you would say. I believe in the contrary however.
What a surprise.
You think your hair is your best feature but in reality it’s your eyes. Or maybe your nose. Or your smile. Either way, they’re all perfectly you. The skin on your hands cracks almost immediately after showers if you don’t use lotion. Mine are almost the same way.
Because of your dry skin, you don’t get acne too often, but when you do, you think it falters your appearance. It doesn’t, by the way.
It’s almost impossible for you to pick a favourite thing. No matter it be book, song, artist, etc. I should know. I’ve asked several times. However, Lord of the Rings or Back to the Future are most definitely your favourite movies. There are hundreds of better options, but supposedly a movie does not need romance to be good. (Even though it kinda does.) I think your favourite TV show is The Office from the sheer amount of times you’ve watched it. Then again, it could be an anime.
You drive a dark gray truck. Don’t ask me what type. Though, if I saw it, I’d know in an instant it was yours. The truck was from your grandmother’s. You actually have three. I’m not sure which one this is. I’ve never witnessed your driving ability, but I bet you’re careful. Because you’re not the type to get into a wreck or two. Besides having a car, your other mode of transportation is your bike. Your super expensive bike that your uncle convinced your mom to get; after all, he was the one who partly got you into the hobby.
Your childhood best friends were first Jamey A—-, then Karsten. Now you’re not as close with either of them. Supposedly I was your best friend for a period of time too. Not that I believe that now anyway.
Ok maybe just a little.
Video games are your favourite way of destressing after a long day; osu and Valorant were your favourites when we spoke last. You were so excited when I bought Minecraft that day, and it’s a shame we never played. Though, maybe I was spared a few hours of humiliation as well.
The personality test I made you take in 7th grade ruled you as an ISTJ. I was surprised you took it and even more surprised as that’s what I had gotten too. An introvert who plans too much, focuses on the little, and uses logic over their feelings. Back then, I thought that would be the reason we didn’t work. But I guess I changed. And so did you.
You’re much more of an on-the-fly person now. And you like to say you need someone to keep you organized and planned, but in truth it bothers you when there’s a little too much control. Apparently, I never knew the old you. The one who was never relaxed and always stressed about everything. When I asked why you simply said: it was before I met you.
Confidence and arrogance are one in the same for you. Whatever you’re good at also becomes your greatest weakness. I guess the better phrase would be “building up your ego”. It doesn’t help that you’re constantly reminded of how technologically skilled and smart you are; I myself have contributed to that endless barrel of praise, until now of course.
Much as we all do, you desire to have love and be loved, yet I haven’t ever been sure if you’re capable of it. Your ‘like’ has always been my ‘love’ and that’s dangerous for our time together. When we were 12, you told me that the only female you could love was your mother. Back then I didn’t-couldn’t believe it; 4 years later I’ve realized it was the most honest you’ve been.
Morally, I don’t know where I’d place you. There is the beauty of goodness inside of you; the kind that truly cares about the people you surround. Unfortunately, negativity has created a cloud of darkness over your light, and I’m not sure if it’s the type you can so easily remove. Negativity and the people you surround yourself with that is.
But lastly to be described is your heart. It spoke the same language as mine. And when they conversed, as all beautiful and loving hearts do, mine took note. Of every flow to the tips of your fingers as they dashed across the keyboard, to the mouth which curved every time we spoke, to the hair of your arms spiking at every racy word, and to the head that carried even a copy of my own. These notes, these scribbles are fragments of who I thought you to be. They are a relic of time, much like the language of our hearts was. So when someone mentions Cooper James N—–, I resist the urge to say “I know-” as it is now closer to “I knew”. I knew you.

Harassment at College and it’s Emotional Tolls

I was sexually harassed back in 2018 at UWT. I was sexually harassed by 2 men, but mainly one whose name was H____. H____ would follow me around campus, ask me uncomfortable questions (such as where I lived, what bus route I took home, and inferring I had a boob/vagina tattoo when tattoos were brought up). H____ also would randomly offer me food- which made me uncomfortable, as it immediately reminded me of an old man offering a child candy in order to “gain their trust”. I always rejected it. He also would draw dicks in his notes during lectures and loudly talk about it/converse with his friend who also made me extremely uncomfortable. I was 18 at the time- both men who were bothering me were above ages 22 (H____ was 24/25). H____ also invaded my personal space to the point I’d have to sit between his legs during our Digital Logic class or sit in the aisle… I sat in the aisle for about over a month without anyone in the class noticing my discomfort or even caring that I was clearly being harassed/having my personal space EXTREMELY invaded. Compared to those in the class I was still very much a child (18, freshman age for a typical college student). I had video evidence of him invading my space and had shown it to the student advocates– but when I tried to report it they tried to tell me I had simply not set up my boundaries well enough. I already struggled to even report it, thinking I was just being “bitchy” even though this behavior was affecting my ability to study/take notes in class to a great degree…. The advocate said they would, “talk to him about his behavior” but couldn’t do anything else as he, “hadn’t touched me inappropriately yet”…

Skip forward to the next few days of class- I no longer had a lab partner as the man who was harassing me had been my lab partner… I was sitting alone, ready to do my lab by myself. The lab assistant then noticed I was sitting alone- and during his announcements loudly declared (directed at me), “Huh, no one loves you?”. Everyone in the classroom laughed at me– making me feel even more isolated and bullied; which really hurt as I was the only 18 year old in the classroom in a room full of at least 21 year olds. He then proceeded to tell me I can’t do labs alone and I had to partner up with someone– I did, but that whole interaction just made the classroom environment even more hostile for me– I tried to push on with school but I ended up dropping out later due to stress and feeling unwanted/bullied. I felt as though I ended up being punished for speaking out against sexual harassments at UWT- by both other students and the staff… which as a freshman aged student in college I had no idea how to navigate. It didn’t help that I was also being abused at home- leaving me really no place to feel safe.

This sort of thing should not happen at college- I should have had more support. I should not have been bullied for reporting a dude who was sexually harassing me– especially not by someone who was on your UWT staff (teacher’s assistant). A professor should have corrected that behavior. The Professors should have noticed me sitting in the aisle and done something to help before I even had to report it– there were so many things that should have been done that simply were not.

UWT did not offer any kind of support in a hostile environment– I can get competition for education, but the environment I was enduring was sexually charged directed at me by men who honestly were too old to be in my dating pool range anyways– and then when I finally spoke up about it– I ended up being bullied… Neither of those things should have been okay, yet they were and it led to me struggling with studying, even wanting to go to school (I was having panic attacks almost daily about going to class and would run away to hide after each lecture in the women’s bathroom– as to avoid H____ following me around…)– which just added to the pressure and difficulties that already existed in Engineering classes (advanced math/theories). The fact I failed in my classes simply added to the abuse I was enduring at home- as my Father is a Japanese man who only really valued how well I was doing in school… This whole experience honestly ruined education for me, which really sucked because studying before all this went down was one of my favorite activities… and now I struggle to even study anything.

UW needs changes in their structure for how they handle sexual harassment– because how it was handled for me was in no way correct.

Thank you for your time,



I haven’t posted anything here in years. A post about a movie trilogy reminded me of you. Time has proven that I was and am the dysfunctional one. An unfortunate combination of character traits, bad decisions, and genetic serious mental illness means I never would have kept you happy in the long run. We both know you deserve better. I’ll be watching the newest film and thinking of you, but also continuing to keep my distance because you deserve a better life than I could have provided. A better partner too, who you found, and I’m happy for you in a bittersweet way.

Cycle braker

Like everyone else I’m not proud of alot of things I’ve done and have my fair share of flaws, faults, sins and demons

But I am proud of one thing, I am cycle braker not just in the sense of I got away but in the fact that a child I repeat a child who experienced and put up with deragration, prejection, “physical disapline” and reminders of how much of a pice of shit I was in the eyes of my father and we are talking from 6 years old from what I remember. Still checks himself as a 35 yearold grown man. To Not be a product of his environment that he experienced first hand. Actually stops to think of the emotional and psychological healthy way to deal with the everyday problems that everyone faces.

When I was younger did I speak to my own mother , sister and ex girlfriends in a similar way I will admit yes but I regret all of that and I now check myself before I speak….or ever will speak to them again. In that matter.

Like I said before everyone has their demons and their deepest darkest fears Mine is obviously clear. This is why I honestly thank God that I’m just an alcoholic degenerate. Who just needs to check him self in the ways of speech because I can be a hell of alot worse.

Oh that pice of shit is now a 66 year old lonely old man who Wonders why his own family his own blood doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Fuck him he got his karma and I’m leaving him to the big man upstairs.

I am a Cycle Braker in all aspects the word and that is my healing and my therapy and as I said before I am proud of who I am.

Dreaming of yoj

Hey old man
I dreamt of you last night – it was so vivid, so real. I could see your beautiful smile, I don’t think I ever told you how much of a beautiful smile you have.
I met your girls, they were a bit hesitant at the start. I apologised, told them I was sorry I didn’t handle the situation better. I didn’t know how to handle things as a parent at the time & that I’m better now.
The little one hugged me & I burst with love & joy.
I wonder if you still think of us and hope that one day we’ll finally get our happy ever after?
I do. Everyday.

I took your advice and went to the dentist

You told me that I looked like shit and that I needed to fix my teeth. You wouldn’t let me hang out in the basement with you because you thought I looked so bad with my teeth the way they were. You called me “chiclet-head” and you threatened to punch me in the teeth. You told me to go to the dentist and if I didn’t then I couldn’t come play at your house any more. You told me to stop airing out my filthy mouth because the sight of my rotting teeth made you want to retch. You called me “fuck face” and screamed “go to the God damn dentist” at me in public and embarrassed me in front of my minister. You asked me if I could eat corn through a picket fence. You asked me if I flossed with a beach towel.

Well guess what? I went to the dentist and he told me I had severe periodontal disease. He told me I had the worst case of periodontal disease he had ever seen in his life. He also said my tooth decay was outrageous. He told me he was going to try a new technique on me. He said I was a lost cause. He pulled all of my teeth out and then he nailed all the hairs on my pubic mound and he kicked my ass up and down the street while his staff cheered and clapped.