Month: January 2022

fun fact

There’s a situation (anyone relate?) and I have written here from time to time. When I write here it is about being hurt and how to handle it. Anonymous because I need to work it out somehow. But who I write to, that is not who that person is. Because of how they are, it is hard to know them. I couldn’t have real talks with them about these things. They wouldn’t get it and it wouldn’t help. So writing here has helped me process both sides. Getting out how you are in the moment can help you progress. But the way I am, it can never end on anger or ill will. Maybe a letter does but that is just a moment. In real life I am trying to be loving even when I don’t feel it.

Love to all of you here! I hope we all find happiness and peace. xo

No

You shouldn’t be saying stuff like this to me. You know that I have a fiance, so why do you carry on flirting with me? There are a million other women for you to choose from. You’re just wasting your own time. Why use the communal area as a room to flirt? Kirkdale isn’t for that kind of thing. I’m already taken, but as per usual, yet another lad tries to get me into bed with him. I don’t understand. It’s not like I was ever showing any interest in you, and I don’t flirt with other men when I’m already taken. But you should just carry on being a flirter, because that’s you. Please go and bother some other woman who is actually single. I don’t want to take you in. You are too much to cope with. You’re bad for my mental health, so no thanks. You should know better. I did tell you that I already have a fiance. It’s mine and his fourth anniversary in June 2022. Please go and flirt with someone else. I am committed to one man, and one man only. And it involves an engagement ring. Good luck with YOUR love life.

one time i had a set of 15 lb dumbbells and the paint flaked off and sliced my butt cheeks

i’m scared and anxious all the time, but especially when i wake up in the morning

i’m worried that i’m a disappointment to my parents

i don’t think i’ll ever find a job i like

i feel guilty for feeling depressed because i have a lot to be thankful for and feel like i have no right to be depressed

i’m terrified at how quickly i’m aging

i don’t believe i will ever meet anybody

but one time when i worked out a big piece of hard black paint flaked off of my dumbbells and it sliced my butt cheeks

The song l wrote…

Remember the song I wrote for you? I recently turned the chorus into a pentatonic melody on piano…. You probably didn’t even know I played piano… but if I were to re-record that song then I’d definitely incorporate my relatively new piano skills lol. It sounds nice, romantic, and kinda catchy… made me tear up when it came to me…

Crazy how love can inspire music, even if the love was lost or unrequited… you mean the world to me and always will. We live worlds apart socially and you’ll never understand what I’m really like. You’ve never truly known me but if you had the chance then I’m sure you’d love me… not like it matters anymore.

I don’t have plans to re-record that song and I don’t plan on making it visible online again either. I’m sure you probably have it saved somehow anyway. Must be nice to hear my voice whenever you want. I wish I could hear yours… I miss it. I miss you. 🙁

I wonder if you kept any of the stuff I sent you years ago haha… I wish I could send you more stuff… but I value my freedom too much. I always wanted to spoil you
and call you my girlfriend. I guess another girl will have to do… everyone and everything is replaceable. And everything is temporary…

I’m sorry I ever even told you how I felt. It’s crazy how you put me through hell and I never got anything to show for it. Oh well. You use to be my motivation, but now I don’t know who you are. Certainly not the same girl I fell in love with… you changed.

I’ve had a really hard life and you never made it any easier… in fact, you went out of your way to make my life even harder. I was already down and you just kept kicking me… speaks volumes to the quality of your character. I still can’t believe you did me like that. Betrayal comes so easily for you. Scary.

Well congrats. You got what you wanted, for me to never talk to you again. You made it easy.

P.S. I hate you too 😉

No love,
A

Two days later

Night is just starting to fall when I notice another caravan of first responders arrive in front of our house again. It’s bigger this time, police cars, ambulance and fire truck. Just like before they go into the unit across from mine, I see the mom standing out front to usher them in. There are doctors on scene, they package a bunch of medical equipment up on the stretcher but I don’t see them bring anyone out,at least not living and the bags on the stretcher seem small when they pack it in.

The neighbors almost immediately hop on the group text to try to figure out what’s going on. None of us see the source, but after the ambulance leaves more people show up. My neighbor downstairs tells me Crime Scene Investigators are taking pictures of everything. Someone’s hugging the crying mom, and we’re all afraid for the kids. An hour later and the cop cars remain outside in the darkness after the rest of the commotion has departed.

I can’t forget!!

How am I still in shock from you having cancer? It’s been three years since you died, and I still can’t manage to move past it, but that’s alright, because there’s no time limit on when to stop grieving. I would feel insulted if anyone expected me to move on from it. And so what if I can’t? I don’t have to answer to anyone for taking the time to grieve about you dying. Plus the fact that you were my fiance, that is what makes it that bit extra tougher to recover from. Everything happened too fast in year 2018. You’d only passed away four months before it was year 2018. I remember not wanting there to be a new year, because I wanted year 2017 to stick around, as that was the year that you passed away. Everything happened too fast in year 2018. I didn’t really get much time to grieve about you properly in 2018, because all sorts of other nightmare things were going on
Things that I should have stayed away from, when I look back on year 2018. I actually don’t want to remember any of that. It doesn’t signify to me as any importance. I was always, and still am quite reluctant to ever have another “Happy” new year. I’m not sure about anything in life anymore. But then, why would I be? Not many people my age, lose a life partner to death. I was only age 36 when you died. I don’t have any idea as to how anyone at that young age would even begin to move on.

You aren’t committed though!!

Dear P,

I don’t think you still care about our relationship that much, so it wouldn’t matter anyway if I ever decide to move on with a different lad. And I will find another lad to move on with. I always do. You shouldn’t stop me from being with another lad, because that’s my human right, and if you aren’t showing how committed you are, then I might aswell give up all hope for us, and get with a lad who truly deserves me, as much as I deserve him. Obviously, I’m not so sure who that is but I’m sure whoever it becomes, he will show up in time. I don’t say this lightly. I can’t even be that sure that you’re that interested these days, so this is why I’m going to go my own way. Finding love isn’t everything, and it’s not all there is to life, but if I can find a lad who I know deserves me, then I’m sure that eventually I will find this special person. This is a friendly way of telling you to move on, and to let me be with a lad who truly wants me. I’m only human.

Making Coffee

It’s the early evening. I’ve just finished pouring the honey when I see a firetruck and ambulance pull up blocking the middle of the street. The first responders are going into the unit across from us, goat man’s place. A few minutes later they emerge with goat man on the stretcher, writhing around, appearing to be in mid overdose.

As the paramedics are fixing to leave I see the young teen boy that lives there and his toddler brother come out from the car they had been hiding in to go inside. Not just that but the women who lost her husband to an overdose in the unit behind us pulls up with her son right as this is all happening.

I debate briefly with my husband if I should go see if they’re alone but he thinks the paramedics surely wouldn’t have left the boys there by themselves and that their mom probably asked them to sit outside during the commotion.
I text the women on either side of my unit who are looking at the same thing I am. One of them mentions that it’s the second time in a few weeks, that the paramedics were also there around New years eve.

So fuckin depressing. My heart goes out to those boys. I spend the rest of the night reflecting on my 10+ years of opiode sobriety.