I Love You

How could you care less about someone who loved you more. No matter what you put me through, I will always love you. You may not know it but you don’t need to. You made me feel so special even if I never really was, I will never forget the way you touched me, the way you made me feel. Your touch, your presence, made me feel safe, like home. You will never know how I feel about you, I act like I don’t care but I promise you, I really do. I wish I had to courage to tell you, even knowing you will never feel the same way. But I can’t help but wonder if I could change your mind. I love you. Now and always.

In the morning

My brother is going drive me to Glenwood to meet my husband for the second half of the journey home. We’ll meet at a sushi restaurant to commence the exchange.

Much of the week in my hometown was spent doing standard housework and errands for my mom and Grandma.

My ma seems in good spirits after a successful surgery, she’s hurting but on the mend. I took the ladies to the graveyard to pay our respects to family and friends of laid to rest and today prepared a large portion of the food for a BBQ my mom asked my brother and I to arrange, her busband was back just in time for some yard work and burgers cooking but will be leaving town again for business shortly after myself, thankfully my mom’s childhood friend will be coming into town for the next week to make sure recovery keeps track. The scar from the surgery is pretty gnarly but she thinks she’s regaining sensation in parts of her leg she’d been experiencing numbness in previously. Good news.

At the BBQ, storm clouds threatened in the distance without raining on the party but a gust of wind sent the big red table umbrella flying and with a swish of Mary Poppins magic I caught it midair before it could go wayward into my seated grandmother. According to the others it was quite an impressive sight.
My brother’s boyfriend and his son helped uproot a bush so moms husband could replace it with a really lovely rose, while the rest of us enjoyed the sunshine and birdwatching. It seems like it was a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be good too.


Years ago, I was already in a similar situation. I was lucky to meet wonderful people, and they all changed me in ways I could never imagine. There was one person in particular who changed me most, and I will always be grateful for what this person has brought into my life. When this person disappeared, I was devastated, and I was so angry at myself because I let it happen. If I’m going to be honest, I still haven’t recovered from it. The fact that it was my own doing that caused it still haunts me.

Years later, you came like a breath of fresh air. I never thought you’d be the person to take that place I’ve reserved for someone else. A few days ago, I was about to repeat the same mistake I made years ago. I started shutting everyone out again, including you. It tickled my heart when I found out that you were upset when I didn’t talk to you-that you’ve been waiting for me, no one else. I’m sorry I’m not good at showing it, but I really appreciate you. Thank you for tolerating me, I love you so much. I hope you stay in my life.

Fourth time around

I’m sorry but I’m not just a warm body for you to confide your secrets and demons in. And I can’t just do the whole shut up and listen….right or wrong I took action I gave my advice I stood by your side. And you inturn consistency hurt me and stabbed me I the back…now it’s the same old story of the scared little girl who needs someone to pay attention, to listen, watch her self destruct and grind their teeth. Because I’m not allowed to express concerns, I’m not allowed to take action. I’m not allowed to love you the real you the sweetheart under you cold jadded and broken women you’ve become from all of your hell…

Fuck it stick your daggers in me make me feel useless, have me feel powerless I will shut up and listen, I will be that whatever you fucking need for the moment. Not for me but because I honestly give a shit about you.

I’ll take the risk the fourth time around just on the bases that I know you’re sorry and I’m sorry too. All I ask is please recognize that I’m human; another tiger trying to change his stripes. And above all I’m trying my best to forgive. Because I still owe you that debt of seeing what about myself I need to change to be happy.

We are the same type of broken and I’m willing to be your friend the 4th time around… however you know I’m no saint and I’m no fool there won’t be a 5th because as much as I love you and appreciate both the honest effort to forgive me and make up for what you’ve done to me…I’m finally at my limit.

Confusing moment

Let me start off with I didn’t want to tell you I was moving to Portland like the way you found out. You looked so disappointed with me and it made me sad. I never want you to be disappointed with me. That disappointed look faded and turned into anger. I understand why you might disappointed with my move to Portland but anger I didn’t understand. I so badly want to ask you about it but what’s the point. It’s not like you are going to tell me it’s because you will miss me or still care for me. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could talk to you about it.