Dear Stephen

I still miss you so much. Life isn’t the same without you around. At least you would never dream of running off with another woman, because you actually truly respected me. You had the deepest love for me. I could tell that you weren’t dodgy in any kind of way. I have yet to meet another man who I can trust. I’m not really even sure if it matters that much to me to even find love again after you’ve passed away. It’s never even entered my mind about finding love again. You were the icing on the cake. My family loved you to the moon and back. It’s always hugely important to me that my family get along well with whoever I end up dating. I saw a young lad today with absolutely amazing green emerald eyes. They were truly stunning. They twinkle. I wanted to clone them amazing green eyes. It’s only been two and a half years since you died. How could God be so selfish taking you from me this soon? I will always remember you as changing my life for the better. I love how you always serenaded me every morning at the dining table. It melted my heart. Truly.

Rear view

I am 61, I am a veteran, I have seen third world, I have been blessed to grow up in a place and a time when my friends were just that, my friends, no color, no economic strata, I have worked very hard my whole adult life, I have a destroyed spine but press on, I have responsibilities, I hurt 27/7 and I do hate the pain and when my legs turn to stone beneath me, I smoked for 45 years, I came very close to death due to a freak intestinal issue and spent 8 days on such heavy duty pain meds in the hospital I was hallucinating and in paranoid agony, I left the hospital as a weakened shell but I don’t smoke anymore, PLEASE DON’T SMOKE OR VAPE, it ain’t cool and it will rob your life, SMOKERS DO NOT GO OUT WITH A BANG,THEY GO WITH A GASP, I have been married for almost ever, I should not have married when and why I did, sympathy or guilt for someone else’s issues are NEVER good reasons and they NEVER become good reasons, marriage is a beautiful thing but is not a guarantee to a happy fulfilling life, at 22 I thought I knew so much, at 18 I left my home to Texas for basic training, then to Homestead Fla. and then to Korea, I lived 3 lifetimes in those 4 years, I thought I was so worldly, I wasn’t, my father was a career Army officer and I now wish I had gotten to know this man, I so wish I had a chance to go back and learn from him, God I do so wish that, I think he and his brother had been molested by their parish priest back in the 20’s and 30’s, I believe he carried that enormous stone his whole life, he was an alcoholic, a functional never miss work never hurt the family always respectable alcoholic, but one all the same, he met my mom while

Your husband

I am sorry for your loss last friday [two days ago]. I might be way younger than you, but I know what it’s like to be a widow. I lost my fiance to bowel cancer in June 2017. It would be easier to lie to you, and tell you that you recover from your life partner’s death really quickly, but I’d just be leading you on pretending that the sorrow goes away quickly. It doesn’t. Even though your husband isn’t physically there anymore, he’s still with you in many other ways. His spirit. His soul. Just because you can’t physically see him in front of you, it doesn’t mean that he’s completely gone. He now an invisible version of himself. You can take comfort in the fact that you had a very good long-term relationship with him. Who honestly still stays in a relationship that long these days? You and my grandparents are an example of what true love really is. Seventy-three years of being together through thick and thin. That is true dedication. Sometimes you might subconsciously find yourself talking to him, or whispering to him, or singing to him. I often catch myself doing this,but I like to think my dead fiance can hear me and see me. I look up at the ceiling when I secretly talk to him. It’s survival mode. That is fine to do that. It’s not harming anyone. It’s your mind’s way of keeping him around. It’s very sweet. Who cares if it makes you look crazy? They don’t understand.

My mom

Used to work as a medical receptionist, a few years after she left the circus. When I was a child she’d take me into the office and would act as mail clerk for a little while, folding up odds and ends to be sent out. I enjoyed scanning over the names and getting the edges all nice and neat. I made puppets out of the office supplies. My moms boss after learning I had an interest in art, hired me to do a pastel copy of Van Gogh’s Starry Night for him. It was a kind gesture that I like to think made a positive impact.

I’m tired

I have trouble saying I’m not ok or that I’m sad. I thought I was getting better at it but my gf asked me how I was doing after I sounded off on the phone. I even up saying I’m alright. idk why bc I wanted to tell her so bad that I wasn’t feeling good. But I couldn’t. I’ve told her many times before that I was tired and when sje asked if I was ok she asked if I was just tired which I said no to bc like I said I wanted to tell her the truth. and tired isn’t a lie. It’s a really good way to describe it. I’m tired of waking up every morning and going to my Job that I hate and doing it almost every day. I’m tired of not being able to be care free or switch jobs bc we don’t have a car and it’s more convenient this way but im so tired. I wake up and I dread the day and I just want to go back to sleep

A Letter To My Wife’s Ex

To my wife’s ex,

Thanks for ghosting her time and time again. Thanks for making her feel like utter shit 9 out of 10 times because now I’m picking up the pieces. I’m the one the gets the bad end to all of the trauma and anxiety when I already had my own to deal with. Thanks a lot. Now I’m the one that doesn’t feel good enough and am still picking up the mess you made. I hope you’re happy now.

Oh and to MY ex’s partner, go screw yourself, will ya?