Day: April 13, 2021

I am 61, I am a veteran, I have seen third world, I have been blessed to grow up in a place and a time when my friends were just that, my friends, no color, no economic strata, I have worked very hard my whole adult life, I have a destroyed spine but press on, I have responsibilities, I hurt 27/7 and I do hate the pain and when my legs turn to stone beneath me, I smoked for 45 years, I came very close to death due to a freak intestinal issue and spent 8 days on such heavy duty pain meds in the hospital I was hallucinating and in paranoid agony, I left the hospital as a weakened shell but I don’t smoke anymore, PLEASE DON’T SMOKE OR VAPE, it ain’t cool and it will rob your life, SMOKERS DO NOT GO OUT WITH A BANG,THEY GO WITH A GASP, I have been married for almost ever, I should not have married when and why I did, sympathy or guilt for someone else’s issues are NEVER good reasons and they NEVER become good reasons, marriage is a beautiful thing but is not a guarantee to a happy fulfilling life, at 22 I thought I knew so much, at 18 I left my home to Texas for basic training, then to Homestead Fla. and then to Korea, I lived 3 lifetimes in those 4 years, I thought I was so worldly, I wasn’t, my father was a career Army officer and I now wish I had gotten to know this man, I so wish I had a chance to go back and learn from him, God I do so wish that, I think he and his brother had been molested by their parish priest back in the 20’s and 30’s, I believe he carried that enormous stone his whole life, he was an alcoholic, a functional never miss work never hurt the family always respectable alcoholic, but one all the same, he met my mom while

Used to work as a medical receptionist, a few years after she left the circus. When I was a child she’d take me into the office and would act as mail clerk for a little while, folding up odds and ends to be sent out. I enjoyed scanning over the names and getting the edges all nice and neat. I made puppets out of the office supplies. My moms boss after learning I had an interest in art, hired me to do a pastel copy of Van Gogh’s Starry Night for him. It was a kind gesture that I like to think made a positive impact.

I have trouble saying I’m not ok or that I’m sad. I thought I was getting better at it but my gf asked me how I was doing after I sounded off on the phone. I even up saying I’m alright. idk why bc I wanted to tell her so bad that I wasn’t feeling good. But I couldn’t. I’ve told her many times before that I was tired and when sje asked if I was ok she asked if I was just tired which I said no to bc like I said I wanted to tell her the truth. and tired isn’t a lie. It’s a really good way to describe it. I’m tired of waking up every morning and going to my Job that I hate and doing it almost every day. I’m tired of not being able to be care free or switch jobs bc we don’t have a car and it’s more convenient this way but im so tired. I wake up and I dread the day and I just want to go back to sleep

I just learned how to cope with it. I just sought the “right” help at a time where I was most in need. I knew deep down that if I didn’t make an effort to find somewhere new to live soon, she would try to further destroy my happiness.