i’ve always told my sister i’d do anything for her. i know what i need to do now.
i’ll bring her my smiles and laughter, saving my heartbreak and tears for another time when she can’t sense my pain. i’ll keep my eyes locked with hers, listening to her every word of every story, doing everything i can to avoid shifting my gaze to meet his and getting lost in another daydream.
she loves him with her entire heart and my heart is getting out of control. i owe it to her to process these feelings alone. i owe it to her to lie and say everything is fine, and of course i’d love to come over for dinner, and of course i will be in her wedding, and of course one day i’ll be the best aunt to her baby. there’s no one else she trusts more than me. of course i’d never hurt her.
i have to let it go.
i’ll sit with the guilt i feel when i think he deserves more, and rinse myself clean of the feeling that he’d be happier with me. i’ll bite my tongue when she criticizes the parts of him that i know so intimately – the ones i’ve known and loved since before he and i even met. i’ll never tell her how many times i’ve wanted to be alone with him when she’s in the room, or how quickly i fell for all the parts of him she can’t stand. i’ll help her see that those sides of him are worth loving; i’ll never let her know that i loved them first.
i’ll be his friend, just like always. i’ll make dinner with him and drink on the patio and play cards until morning for as long as i live. i’ll never hold his hand, or stare at his lips for too long, or crawl over to the driver’s side and give him the love we’ve both been craving for so many years. i’ll go on dates and fuck other people until someone makes me feel even close to the way he does – so loved, so appreciated, and so deeply understood. i won’t think about how i could give him everything he says his life is missing. i’ll give up the fantasies and the photos and the memories and leave a hole in the pit of my heart and my stomach if it means she will be happy forever. i’ll never tell him what i’m thinking, even if he asks. and i know he will always ask.
i hope he never finds out. i hope she never finds out. maybe there’s a universe in which i’m happy and he and i are together, but i’ll do everything i can to let that feeling go so she can be happy in this one.
I miss her all the time but right now I could not miss her more
Is it everything that’s happened
Is it my loss of home
Is it the fact that that piece of my heart reached out to me
I felt cared for in a moment where the heaviness was taking me under
My phone rang and it was that Pittsburgh area code, I was prepared to hear her voice on the other end
She said that they’ll call me, that she’s out for a few days
That angel has immune system problems
If this virus touches her I will find it and end it myself
I miss sitting with her
Laughing with her
I hate that I can’t tell her about any of it, in our old time in depth ways
I miss her faces, I miss her obsession with t rexes.
I’ve liked you for a while now. You like me too.
After spending hours with someone daily for weeks, that’s bound to happen.
But I wonder if you realize the extent?
Like, can you tell that I’m falling head over heels for you, fast?
Do you see me staring at you? Admiring your muscles, seeing new scars here and there, noticing the paths your veins take, taking in the shape of your strong jaw line?
Do you feel the sparks that I feel when we kiss? The drunken high that leaves my head spinning almost every single time?
Do you get the same butterflies that I get when I’m on the way to see you, when you’re on the way to see me?
I’ve never had this strong urge to say I love you to anyone but you.
Because sometimes, when we are laying in bed, fully clothed, staring into each others eyes for what can feel like forever…or when we are watching a movie and sit in my dark ass living room holding hands…that’s all I want to say because in those moments, that’s the only feeling I have. Pure joy, peace…love.
You make me forget about the outside world; my job, financial issues, family stress…it’s really like nothing else matters when I’m with you.
I love that you speak your mind and that you open up to me, like a man never has.
I love that you pass the blunt slow to me because you know I can’t see shit.
I love that you don’t give a fuck but you do give a fuck, simultaneously.
I love that you don’t judge me for being the sensitive person that I’ve always hidden. I love that you actually talk to me.
You ask about my days, you tell me about yours, you ask my beliefs and my opinions like you really want to know and actually care.
I genuinely love you.
I have loved before, so I understand the risk I’m taking by saying this.
But I have never loved someone like you…as incredible as you.
I don’t know if this will ever lead to anything more than whatever we are.
I don’t know if we will ever fall deeply in love and create an empire together.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on half the time, in most situations tbh.
But I know how I feel.
I know I love you.
I know I never want to miss you.
I never want to lose you.
I never want this to end.
Finally left the meaningless and
In between the air hockey and loud music
I began to feel my bones shift in their sockets
And my heart thump a peculiar pattern.
Keep loving the wrong ones and you will never learn
To love the right ones, the chiming says.
Addicted to the hits, they were my crux, my vice when
Bottomless thoughts pooled together to form
Dark, heated, sensual nights.
But nothing meaningful can truly come out of nothingness
And that’s all they were.
Hearing the notes of new music
Helps batter the old ones into the mix.
I will make mountains and
Sceneries with your name, and love will become a beautiful
I still can’t forget the day you broke my trust. My scream was not just out of anger toward your possible infidelity, but from the fact that I had finally trusted another human being and had been let down in the exact same way. Sure, you say it doesn’t count because you didn’t actually do anything — but you did, dear. If you hadn’t sent those pictures or flirted with those women, she would have never been after you. It counts.
I often think about how things would be different had I chosen your friend over you, or had I gotten back together with my ex. Guess it’s a little late for that, seeing as how we still have 9 months left on our lease. Still, it’s a common fantasy. Things aren’t the way I want them to be, and I don’t know that they ever will be.
I love you, I do. But I can’t trust you after what happened, and I’m not sure you’ll support me, or even if I’m safe with you.
My heart longs for the warmth of her body. like cold hands to a flame. i love her. but she’ll never see me that way. no one ever does. lonely is a bitter mans drink. Its time for me to get a refill