From Your Squeaky Wheel

I miss her all the time but right now I could not miss her more

Is it everything that’s happened

Is it my loss of home

Is it the fact that that piece of my heart reached out to me

I felt cared for in a moment where the heaviness was taking me under

My phone rang and it was that Pittsburgh area code, I was prepared to hear her voice on the other end

She said that they’ll call me, that she’s out for a few days

That angel has immune system problems

If this virus touches her I will find it and end it myself

I miss sitting with her

Laughing with her

I hate that I can’t tell her about any of it, in our old time in depth ways

I miss her faces, I miss her obsession with t rexes.

How to feel…

I’ve liked you for a while now. You like me too.
After spending hours with someone daily for weeks, that’s bound to happen.
But I wonder if you realize the extent?
Like, can you tell that I’m falling head over heels for you, fast?
Do you see me staring at you? Admiring your muscles, seeing new scars here and there, noticing the paths your veins take, taking in the shape of your strong jaw line?
Do you feel the sparks that I feel when we kiss? The drunken high that leaves my head spinning almost every single time?
Do you get the same butterflies that I get when I’m on the way to see you, when you’re on the way to see me?
I’ve never had this strong urge to say I love you to anyone but you.
Because sometimes, when we are laying in bed, fully clothed, staring into each others eyes for what can feel like forever…or when we are watching a movie and sit in my dark ass living room holding hands…that’s all I want to say because in those moments, that’s the only feeling I have. Pure joy, peace…love.
You make me forget about the outside world; my job, financial issues, family stress…it’s really like nothing else matters when I’m with you.
I love that you speak your mind and that you open up to me, like a man never has.
I love that you pass the blunt slow to me because you know I can’t see shit.
I love that you don’t give a fuck but you do give a fuck, simultaneously.
I love that you don’t judge me for being the sensitive person that I’ve always hidden. I love that you actually talk to me.
You ask about my days, you tell me about yours, you ask my beliefs and my opinions like you really want to know and actually care.

I genuinely love you.
I have loved before, so I understand the risk I’m taking by saying this.
But I have never loved someone like you…as incredible as you.
I don’t know if this will ever lead to anything more than whatever we are.
I don’t know if we will ever fall deeply in love and create an empire together.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on half the time, in most situations tbh.
But I know how I feel.
I know I love you.
I know I never want to miss you.
I never want to lose you.
I never want this to end.

Love as a beautiful word

Finally left the meaningless and

In between the air hockey and loud music

I began to feel my bones shift in their sockets

And my heart thump a peculiar pattern.

Keep loving the wrong ones and you will never learn

To love the right ones, the chiming says.

Addicted to the hits, they were my crux, my vice when

Bottomless thoughts pooled together to form

Dark, heated, sensual nights.

But nothing meaningful can truly come out of nothingness

And that’s all they were.

Hearing the notes of new music

Helps batter the old ones into the mix.

I will make mountains and

Sceneries with your name, and love will become a beautiful

Word again.

Unrequited

I still can’t forget the day you broke my trust. My scream was not just out of anger toward your possible infidelity, but from the fact that I had finally trusted another human being and had been let down in the exact same way. Sure, you say it doesn’t count because you didn’t actually do anything — but you did, dear. If you hadn’t sent those pictures or flirted with those women, she would have never been after you. It counts.

I often think about how things would be different had I chosen your friend over you, or had I gotten back together with my ex. Guess  it’s a little late for that, seeing as how we still have 9 months left on our lease. Still, it’s a common fantasy. Things aren’t the way I want them to be, and I don’t know that they ever will be.

I love you, I do. But I can’t trust you after what happened, and I’m not sure you’ll support me, or even if I’m safe with you.

I’m sorry.