I feel like such a fuck up. A total failure. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. When will it stop? When will the universe cut me some slack, instead of ripping the carpet out from me and laughing in my fucking face every time.
I think I am really attractive physically; I feel the need to say that to the readers so people can know that I do have a pretty good self esteem over all. I was laid off this year due to COVID-19, but I’m in grad school full time for clinical counseling and I am extremely good at practicing therapy. It’s my niche.
So tell me why, dear fucking universe, you have allowed me to experience so much pain. Rejection after mishap after rejection after mishap after rejection and so on and so on. It’s never ending. I pray, I learn, I am resilient, I practice meditation, I am mindful, sweet, dedicate my time toward helping others in any way I can, I love big, I persevere, yet… I can’t ever catch a fucking break. I’m tired.
I finally met a good man (my brother’s roommate/best friend) anddd he ended it because my brother was upset over it. He stopped answering my texts and I just don’t get it. People come in an out of our lives for a purpose and a lesson, but, I am so sick of people walking away and never being the one that gets chosen.
Maybe I just need to be a stone cold bitch in order for things to finally happen, because up until now I have gotten nowhere. At what point does becoming stubborn, mean, or rude outweigh kindness?? It makes no sense. Nice people finish last, but I am tired of being last.
Who said that things have to be your way? Do you think the “universe” gives everyone what they want or what they deserve when they expect it? You say you’re good with counseling people, yet, you struggle to recognize that sometimes if not most of the time things happen without our control. Maybe, life teaches you a lesson. Being a good therapist doesn’t only mean that you learned science well, but the best insights you get is through your own experience that in the future will help you to connect better with others. Life will give you pain, disappointment, and other things, but the most important is what you going to do with that. Are you going to allow those circumstances to change you to a person you would never really wanted to become, or you allow them to transform you to become wiser or more insightful because of what you have learned?
If I can give you any advice as someone who can relate- focus on things you do best, work hard, and stay kind despite how tempting it’s not to be. It may take some time, but life will bring you new opportunities, people that will appreciate and love you. “Universe” has its ways of rewarding and bringing peace to those who are patient and don’t give in.
Oh it is true, not that you need to be stone cold but…..does it ever stop?
I don’t know if my letter will be published but it doesn’t matter, point is, I get you, you know I too help others, push to do what is good for everyone, even when it hurts me, and the one thing I want, to love someone who loves me, be loved by someone I love, nope.
I have instead loved people who either despise me, don’t even know, or just outright reject me.
Had opportunity missed because of fear, because of some small thing lacking, because of who knows.
And each time I ride it out, push for the good. And people say, try this, try that. But when is it our turn, when do we get to say hey the universe went our way, I know people who sail through life, hurt people, fuck things up, lose jobs, they just end up like a cat with infinite lives. Shit goes south but they fly north and land straight on their feet.
And man am I sick to death of it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but boy do I want things to roll my way once. Used to blame god, until I figured no good god puts people to love there, then denies you for a lesson to learn. No good god makes you homeless, makes you get robbed, lets you as a child, suffer things that will shape your life and take years to circumvent the problems it causes.
So I realised, the presence of a god is unlikely, but where does that leave us?
Well I will tell you.
Stop, think about what truly absolutely makes you happy. Being where I am I would say stop, look hard, think, money,power,property,love??
For me, it is being with the right person, not, as I am, the wrong one and too weak to hurt them by ending it and then giving myself a chance at finding the happiness crave.
So if you want money, then get out of the idea karma, or god or luck or such bs as the secret etc, work. They don’t.
You wanna be thin and you are fat, guess what, you have to burn the calories, walk,run and punch yourself to a new you.
Want more money, you better learn what job you both want, and can train for and do it, even free training, until you scrape enough for the qualification and knock on 50,100 or 1000 doors until you get it.
Want love? Then make yourself physically what you are happy with, look for what you physically want, then whittle down your intellectual and emotional candidates and make 0 promises and ties until you are sure.
If you rely on the luck, the universe, or lazy half assed ill thought attempts, you wil get nothing or second rate, or maybe strike lucky, but you want maybe?
Get up, go write down all that makes you happy, decide really, give it an hour, a day, a month or whatever until you know. And then order those things, and start chasing them down, and dont be weak, cold bitch? No, but determined and not taking prisoners? Yes. Because no one is waiting to serve it up on a plate, either you go take it or else miss out and remain unfulfilled