The universe and it’s games

I feel like such a fuck up. A total failure. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. When will it stop? When will the universe cut me some slack, instead of ripping the carpet out from me and laughing in my fucking face every time.

I think I am really attractive physically; I feel the need to say that to the readers so people can know that I do have a pretty good self esteem over all. I was laid off this year due to COVID-19, but I’m in grad school full time for clinical counseling and I am extremely good at practicing therapy. It’s my niche.

So tell me why, dear fucking universe, you have allowed me to experience so much pain. Rejection after mishap after rejection after mishap after rejection and so on and so on. It’s never ending. I pray, I learn, I am resilient, I practice meditation, I am mindful, sweet, dedicate my time toward helping others in any way I can, I love big, I persevere, yet… I can’t ever catch a fucking break. I’m tired.

I finally met a good man (my brother’s roommate/best friend) anddd he ended it because my brother was upset over it. He stopped answering my texts and I just don’t get it. People come in an out of our lives for a purpose and a lesson, but, I am so sick of people walking away and never being the one that gets chosen.

Maybe I just need to be a stone cold bitch in order for things to finally happen, because up until now I have gotten nowhere. At what point does becoming stubborn, mean, or rude outweigh kindness?? It makes no sense. Nice people finish last, but I am tired of being last.

Everything is okay

I know life isn’t easy right now, but we have a lot to be thankful for. We still have jobs, we have two wonderful children, and we have so much of our lives ahead of us. I’m sorry that you feel underappreciated, and I know I can do better, but work is stressful at the moment, and I can’t switch off sometimes.

There has been a lot of change recently, and a lot of responsibility has fallen on my shoulders. I don’t want to care so much about work, but I have to. Other people depend on me there, and if I do a bad job and lose mine, we won’t be able to pay our bills.

I will try to shut off from work, and spend more time with you and the children mentally and physically, and if I need to get a less demanding job, then so be it.

Please believe me when I say that I really don’t want to have to focus on work this much. I only go to work for you and the children, so perhaps I need to find a better work-life balance. I’m sorry for not being there as much as I should. I love you x

Backed into a corner…

I wasn’t surprised to not get an answer back from you. Actually, I got exactly what I had expected. Ignored as usual. What was surprisingly entertaining to me though is that I told you how I felt about that along with all of everything else. To be honest, I thought that I might still get angry about it and let you get under my skin over it and that scared me. It scared me because then you could purposely push me, harassing me with all your ugliness towards me, purposely making the argument worse and worse even though I repeatedly ask to be left alone. You wont though and you never do. You take pride in the fact that you outright refuse to leave me alone when I scream at you to leave me alone, begging you to leave me alone until it overwhelms me and I can’t even catch my breath because you WANT me to get up and hit you so that you can cry victim. You back me into a corner and verbally abuse me, assaulting me with all of your “love” for me, degrading me and calling me names while you continuously bring up things from the past that you cant stop emotionally and mentally beating me up for…. and I am supposed to be okay with just sitting there and allowing you to verbally abuse me on a mental and emotional abuse level? How am I ever going to learn from my mistakes and move on from them if you cant shut the fuck up about them especially when you cant even acknowledge and admit your own? Ultimately? Fuck you. You’re a piece of shit and I will ALWAYS be a better person than you.

How To Fight My Mind

I usually post some cryptic short story or a poem that only I’d understand on LINS. It’s easier that way because I can still hide behind the idea of misconceptions. Now I can’t. I fight my mind every day to remind myself that what I have is good. Like so many people, I have anxiety, OCD, and depression. The trinity of being controlled by your own mind. You see I was doing good. So good my doctor and I decided to take me of my meds. Maybe I could really get better at not controlling it but finding away to live with it. Things are great. That’s something right there. If I type that out I have to fight to believe that typing it won’t make it become untrue. It is crazy… maybe I’m crazy. Still it’s something that scares me. I put a system to everything and if I can’t get that VERY specific system correct then my world might implode or so I tell myself. I fail to complete my systems over and over to the point where I breakdown. I scream and want to cry, out of fear that screwing up the most mediocre of tasks will cause me to loose everything. There are words I try to say. Sayings that’s I say out loud to combat these systems and to convince myself that I won’t loose what and who I love most. (Typing that was something I feared like I mentioned earlier. Just referencing the idea of losing my love scares me.) The problem is these sayings become systems themselves. Negating the whole point. I try more and more things but in my head my life is not safe unless she’s there. If she’s talking to me or she’s just there spending time with me… then I have no fear. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her to be the only thing that can save me from myself. I need to be able to save me. Soon I’ll be going back to the doctors and I’m going to tell him that I’m not doing too hot. Hopefully we can get my meds back or find another way to help me with my mind. Till then I have to fight myself and my fear to make sure that the fear itself doesn’t become reality. I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I think it’s to reach out to others who feel just as trapped as I do sometimes. I think I just don’t want to be alone in my head and that if I know others are feeling like I do then we have hope that we will make it through.

I miss you.

When I met you I felt happiness, that happiness went on for three months.
We were so so happy.
We would talk about how we wished we were together and not miles apart.
We would have I love you more arguments… you won each one.. but in reality, it was rigged.
When I thought of you back then, I would think damn I love him. Now when I think of you even after you hurt my heart.. I still think damn I love him.
We were happy. Now the only one who is happy is you… without me.
Sitting under my covers crying with no motivation every day for 8 whole months sucks.
You said you broke up with me cause you changed.. the day before you said you couldn’t wait to marry me.. s0 ur telling me you changed that fast.. or was it all just a lie.

You come back every once in a while and act like how we used to be and get my hopes up.. then you say “V.. no I don’t have any feelings for you.”… but you said you missed me.. then you leave me on delivered for weeks and all that’s going through my head is… does he miss me or will I always be another girl?