Month: November 2020

Maybe

It’s from watching The Queen’s Gambit but I’m thinking of when I was twelve in Georgia and trying to commit suicide through mixing a cocktail of pills in my folks medicine cabinet and was then sick for days before changing the movie tone to Men in Black : International where I hear Liam Neeson’s High T repeating the concept that the universe has a tendency to lead you exactly where you need to be at the right time, and Chris Hemsworth’s character following up with except when it doesn’t.
I liked how that movie ended, lots of serendipitous events culminating in personal story development. Perhaps it got me thinking about the different ways I was enlightened or guided into sticking around.

Relief, my house is recovered of illness, and it is concluded the foot issue was caused by a small fracture. Theres a number of childrens toys I could probably deduce are potential culprits.

My mom later texts me to let me know a number of my family members in the isolated town of Rangely have caught the Rona, and while she hasn’t she’s postponing her visit to be sure.

Also in for info recieved for today, one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend Lev were hit by a car that drove off. A good samaritan grabbed the plates and while both of them are mostly okay Viera’s walking away with a tooth chipped to the nerve and the need to get hip xrays.

You’re Often on My Mind

Dear TJS,
I miss you and wish I could talk to you often. I always appreciated how hard you were willing to work to have a better life. I valued your ambition.

I know 6 years ago wasn’t the right time because you were getting married and hoping to have a family. However, your life has changed and I wonder if you still think of me. I hope you’re doing well.

Until next time.

Forever your baby.

Serendipity

I want you to know that I’m happy and that moving on can bring you good things. I miss you sometimes in ways that haunt me, but love is love. I hope you feel that one day. I hope you give yourself in ways you haven’t before to someone else. I hope you challenge yourself and grow. I hope we can look at each other one day and realize why it’s worked out the way it has and feel happiness for ourselves and for each other. I’m always rooting for you.

I dont know

If I have Covid 19, but I get reports a few people near my partner at work have tested positive.

Previous to this information I had a few rough days, pain in my chest when I would inhale, stuffy nose, so at throat and stranger still the bottom of my left foot covered in small painful blisters. My kid just has cold symptoms .

I’m not sure if my symptom manifestation could be psychosomatic, as intense as this year could be.. so we recluse ourselves but hold off on getting tested, as per my partners request, that is..until another positive test comes back fro. His co workers, closer to his shift. Even though my partner exhibits no symptoms, our kid being under almost a full week of stuffy noses, I suspect this might not be just a cold.

There’s not really a clear cut way to handle this right? Beyond the reasonable doubt is cast on testing facilities for inaccurate tests, even if I test positive what treatment can these almost full hospitals provide me when they’re focused on trying to keep the ones with more severe symptoms afloat. We wear our masks, we sanitize, and our income is balanced on our ability to strategize the best course of action.
Grateful grocery and restaurant delivery is offered here until we know.

K

Damn it you compared it to a goddamn sprinkle in the spring

When it was a tsunami during hurricane season

It took houses down

It tore down the strongest cities

Me

I drove into fire, I collapsed into pieces inside myself, my DNA merging into yours, wrapping itself around the concept of death, I understood what it meant

You’ll die here, that was the promise, and I was okay with that

I let you have me like that

See me like that

Control me with a goddamn remote and I fell, fell flat on my fucking face, on ice, in skates that betrayed me

My writer’s mind, my poet’s eyes, buckled underneath me, underneath you, like I had never learned to walk

Mom always said it took me awhile to get on my feet

Guess it’ll take me a minute to get back on them

Been at sea

Been on the aftershock of lightning

I’m glad to have lived through it, but it may have killed me

(Could still kill me)

You made me forget I ever wanted to die, where I was

I took the wheel on acid

You made me fall in love with LSD, with you, all over again, and you can’t say we didn’t

Outside that super 8 motel
You gave me permission to end everything for myself

But no, it was when you stepped into home with me

You stole everything from me

Thief of days

It’s not like I can entirely blame you

But what?

What is it about me that scares you so much

I just don’t believe you or it hurts me too much to believe that you didn’t feel like that

But what else was that?