Month: October 2020

I can’t see you anymore

I can’t see you anymore, John. Why, you ask? Because you are dangerous for me. You are untouchable, and yet all I want to do is touch you. Have you touch me. And I know you want to touch me, I know you do. It’s the way you look at me. It’s just lust, I know, and I don’t mind it. I don’t care. I want it too. Hard against the wall or on your desk.
And I can’t touch you, so I have to say goodbye.

Getting to know

Sometimes people add me on Facebook from abroad. I enjoy getting an eye outside of my home territory when I get a chance because it allows me some different insight into how other people think and function.
Sometimes if it seems like a fishing scam, I’ll report the conversation.. other times I’ll find something unprecedented… like a whole string of public execution videos being talked about and praised. I watched a man with a tire hanging around his next get burned alive. It was too much, I dont know if reporting does a damn thing to the sheer quantity of violence I saw openly and in Facebook’s realm.

Most recently, a man from Bangladesh who added me from some time ago but never attempted conversation before was messaging me. His posts were well regarded in his community. Initially I used google translate to attempt basic conversation back, basic how do you dos. Perhaps I mistake that he’s asking about art stuff because so many of the ones that do find me are artists. He or they try to video call but I say no and make him a little portrait instead. He asks me how I do, so I show different art support links, but he attempts to video call again , so I end the conversation and tag it for potential suspicions. A few days later, I’m recieving a barrage of video calls again, I say no and stop but it’s like some horror movie bullshit. Hes sending calls so frequently I have a hard time accessing block from the interruption . I report it but just yesterday I got a page invite from the guy. My husband says that that sort of open friendship should probably cease , only accept invites from people I know. He doesn’t think I should delete the whole Facebook account, that’s a lot of family friend/communication storage .

October 29

The date was October 29, a day like any other. After school I came home, watched some tv. Out of the blue my phone beeps. It was you saying I’d dropped my wallet in chemistry and offered to drop it off on your way back home, which was great since we didn’t have that class again til next week. I gave you my address and got back to my show. At the commercial, an emergency breaking news aired about some psych facility patient breaking free. They called him the Electric Killer because he had used to work for a power company until it was revealed he would use that cover to shut off people’s power before he broke in and murdered them. As if its not bad enough you have to pay for electricity, then the guy they send to fix it murders you in your pitch black home, amiright? The commercial ended and I remembered you were on your way over. Should probably throw on a shirt and clean up a little. We had been lab partners this semester, and had been in the same study groups a couple times but I didn’t really know you at all. Not in a conventional way at least. In my mind we were well acquainted. I had masturbated to your Instagram pictures countless times with countless scenarios. You linger just a fraction too long while bending over to pick up a pencil in class? Clearly an indication you want me to slam your head against the desk and ravage you from behind like a barbaric caveman while our classmates and teacher cheer me on. The way your mouth opened just a little when you were focused on a problem? And that lipstick? That lipstick!?!? You want me to fuck your pretty little throat don’t you baby? The word on the streets about you was that you had met a guy when you did foreign exchange the previous semester, and you hadn’t shown any interest in anyone since, so since you apparently had a boyfriend in another country, my hand sessions with some tissue was the best I could do. But damn girl, you are so sexy. In such an effortless way, like I don’t need to you flaunt it, I see it and I want it and who do I have to kill to have you….Ding Dong. Oh shit, so much for cleaning up. I open the door and when you handed me my wallet I assumed that would be the end of that. But you told me you’d popped a tire on the way over and that your friend was gonna come with a spare in an hour when she got off work and asked if you could wait inside til she got here because it was cold outside. I mean I didn’t need some wild rambling excuse to invite you in. I said yes and took your coat, immediately realizing how slovenly my place looked. ‘Mess makes them undress’, was that the saying? Definitely not. All of a sudden the nerves set in, I mean you weren’t supposed to actually come in. So I dropped the ultimate panty-wetter: “Jeopardy is about to come on if you like trivia.” You were very gracious in pretending like you knew what that was. So we sat, on opposite ends of my couch and watched Trebek sling some good ones. To my mild annoyance you got more right than me, but beginners luck right? After the show ended I noticed it had started blizzarding outside since you came up. You then got a text from your friend that she couldn’t make it due to road conditions. “Sorry to put you out, I guess I’ll call a cab.” “What kind of cabbie is gonna come pick you up when your friend won’t? Its getting late, why don’t you take my bed and I’ll make up the couch here for myself.” I laid down on my couch and peered at the light coming from underneath my bedroom door. Who would’ve thought this total sexpot would be getting naked and climbing into my bed tonight? If only it wasn’t for that pesky foreign boyfriend. All of a sudden the light disappeared, followed by a small shriek. You rushed out of my room still in your bra and panties and frantically began flipping the light switches in the living room. “Ummmm whats going on?” “The lights just went out. Didn’t you hear the Electric Killer broke free earlier tonight?” “Its probably just the storm outside right?” “Maybe, or maybe he’s about to murder us.” “I’ve got a bat in the closet if that would make you feel better?” “I can’t be alone like this, what if he comes in through the window? Can you sleep in there with me?” Far be it for me to benefit personally from a brutal psycho’s rampaging, but how I am supposed to say no to that? I climbed into bed with you, trying to respectfully keep my distance. You turned towards me, and the moonlight from the window shown just right on your face. “I’m really scared. Will you hold me?” I saw you there, trembling in the moonlight, and I knew you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I assumed the big spoon, pressing myself against you tight. Immediately, I began to harden, but you didn’t say anything. “Look, I know you have an international boyfriend, but I couldn’t live with myself having a goddess in my bed if I didn’t tell you how crazy attractive I think you are and how I’ve had the biggest crush on you since we first met.” You turned towards me and fired a quick slap across my cheek. “There is a psychopath serial killer on the loose, why are you telling me this?” “Because if we’re gonna die tonight I wanna kiss you first.” Despite your best efforts, a little smile crept out. “Well, if you must know, I don’t have a boyfriend. I met up with my cousin who lives overseas a few times during foreign exchange and some mean girls started rumors about me.” “Well, that’s a relief” as I began to lean in. “Wait” you said as you put out a hand to stop me. “I think you should know that I am a virgin, and I would never do this, but, I really don’t want to die a virgin.” Now was not the time to remind you that the virgin is the one who lives through scary movies. “Baby, if this is it, you deserve to feel like a queen before we go and I’m gonna do my best to make you feel special.” I touched my lips to yours, quivering from fear and cold and excitement. I kissed you tenderly as my hand moved to your waist. Your mouth opened and my eager tongue found yours. I rolled on top of you, careful to match my parts to yours. We continued to kiss and my hips went into auto pilot, gently grinding into yours. As your breathing increased, I understood this might very well be the only time any man was lucky enough to make you theirs and I had to make the most of it. I kissed you slowly down your neck til I reached your breasts, which I cupped in my hands as I proceeded lower. Your skin was so smooth to my lips and tongue. When I reached your panties, I could tell you were ready. But I refused to be murdered by the Electric Killer without first tasting your pussy. I pulled your panties down and worked my way up your legs, moving my mouth along every sexy inch of your inner thighs. You were turning me on so much with your soft moaning, I couldn’t help but bite you a little as I moved closer to your beautiful kitty. She was so small, and pink, and tight, and wet. I felt like Pooh devouring the sweetest pot of honey as I licked you. I could eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner baby, I want your pussy taste in my mouth at all times. When you pulled me up to tell me you were ready for me to take you, I was about to break you in half, but then you reminded me to be gentle. I rubbed myself against you, using your wet to lubricate me. I entered you slowly, just the tip, and you winced just a little. Rocking back and forth ever so gently, I inched into you further and further. You were being so brave trying to fit me in, I whispered in your ear “Good girl, I know you can take all of me.” And eventually you did. Whatever I felt licking your pussy couldn’t compare to what if felt to be deep inside you. With every small thrust, with every throb I could feel you trembling beneath me as your tight little pussy grabbed me and invited me in even deeper. I realized I had forgotten to wear a condom, but my primal urges were screaming to me that cumming deep inside of you with every drop I could produce was the most important thing any man had ever been called to do. But this was, more than anything else, about you and your pleasure. I looked up, saw you thoroughly enjoying our sex, and realized I was the luckiest man alive to be inside you right now, and the first you had ever let in between your gorgeous legs. You wrapped your arms around me and as I felt you cumming I pushed all the way in. You whispered to me “I want you to finish baby” and I filled you up so much it started leaking out when I removed myself. Without a word said, I spooned you again and we fell asleep.

All the while, had we not been so consumed by such mind-blowing sex, perhaps we would’ve noticed the faint outline of a man outside the window watching us, one who curiously chose to accessorize his straightjacket with a toolbelt….

Stuck

I’m so confused here. My heart will always want you but my mind is so sick of feeling tricked and lied to. I think you have this way of making people fall so helplessly in love with you that everyone believes they’re meant to be with you. Which makes my situation a lot less special. Maybe I’m just brainwashed and I’m not meant to feel this way. Maybe we won’t end up together. It makes me sick to think about that. I have never acted the way I act with you. You make me so crazy I lose my mind. I wish that it were more simple but if it were maybe I wouldn’t want it as much. I wish I knew the truth about how you feel about me. I wish we could just spend a night talking and crying for hours to finally come to a conclusion about us. I don’t know why I feel so strongly that it is you, but I do. That won’t leave no matter how hard I try. What do I do? Do I keep trying to move on and hope that feeling leaves? Do I try harder to be with you? Do I leave my heart open for you in case one day we are both ready and sure about what we want? You have this pull on me, but not just me. On everyone you meet. You leave this mark that sticks with everyone and they cannot ever entirely get over you. How are you so convincing and wonderful at the same time? How are you so intriguing? You frustrate the fuck out of me and make my crazy white girl come out but It’s scary how much I think of you—I think the world of you, I think of you like this amazing untouchable person and it’s possibly the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me.

So long

So long the broken, promised words.

You were beautiful

Celestial light, overflowing love,

Spilled heartbreak that were mended by

Your nimble fingers and sharp dance moves.

At last you are free, whitest dove,

Purest first snowfall,

Dim light igniting up rooms of my heart!

So long flower bouquets and songbirds.

I have found what it is like

To exhale, to breath notes of love

In another’s arms.

Foolishly. I Surrender to this love.
Oh stubborn beast!

Love yourself gently

Live your life daringly

Think of me softly

Until I am not there at all.

You were a beautiful love

Meant for an ethereal splendor.

One day, you will find love breaking down your door

Answer it with open arms my love.

So long, so long, so long!