Stuck

I’m so confused here. My heart will always want you but my mind is so sick of feeling tricked and lied to. I think you have this way of making people fall so helplessly in love with you that everyone believes they’re meant to be with you. Which makes my situation a lot less special. Maybe I’m just brainwashed and I’m not meant to feel this way. Maybe we won’t end up together. It makes me sick to think about that. I have never acted the way I act with you. You make me so crazy I lose my mind. I wish that it were more simple but if it were maybe I wouldn’t want it as much. I wish I knew the truth about how you feel about me. I wish we could just spend a night talking and crying for hours to finally come to a conclusion about us. I don’t know why I feel so strongly that it is you, but I do. That won’t leave no matter how hard I try. What do I do? Do I keep trying to move on and hope that feeling leaves? Do I try harder to be with you? Do I leave my heart open for you in case one day we are both ready and sure about what we want? You have this pull on me, but not just me. On everyone you meet. You leave this mark that sticks with everyone and they cannot ever entirely get over you. How are you so convincing and wonderful at the same time? How are you so intriguing? You frustrate the fuck out of me and make my crazy white girl come out but It’s scary how much I think of you—I think the world of you, I think of you like this amazing untouchable person and it’s possibly the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me.

So long

So long the broken, promised words.

You were beautiful

Celestial light, overflowing love,

Spilled heartbreak that were mended by

Your nimble fingers and sharp dance moves.

At last you are free, whitest dove,

Purest first snowfall,

Dim light igniting up rooms of my heart!

So long flower bouquets and songbirds.

I have found what it is like

To exhale, to breath notes of love

In another’s arms.

Foolishly. I Surrender to this love.
Oh stubborn beast!

Love yourself gently

Live your life daringly

Think of me softly

Until I am not there at all.

You were a beautiful love

Meant for an ethereal splendor.

One day, you will find love breaking down your door

Answer it with open arms my love.

So long, so long, so long!

Exodus / Movement of Jah People

The one thing I don’t think I’ve ever said to you is “Thank you for your patience.” I’ve spent enough time focusing on how things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, that I forget sometimes that surely you had a different outcome in mind as well. I know that I am….different. And I can understand how it could be difficult to formulate expectations when I don’t really abide by the ‘best practice’ rules of society. I don’t ever thank you for, more or less, staying by my side in spite of my behavior, which probably makes no sense to you or anyone else. Not always me either, to be honest. So then let me take this moment just to say: thank you.

In a lot of ways, I’ve been happier the last few years than any other time I can remember. Not like every day, but overall. I feel a bit perverse thinking or feeling that way given what led to this chapter of my life. But its true. I got saved from a job I despised every single day. I don’t worry about my next meal or falling behind on rent. And maybe more than anything, when you kinda remove yourself from everything for awhile, you see how quickly some people move on, and conversely, how long some people hang on. I’m fine with this; I don’t really want anyone in my life that doesn’t legitimately care about me. Fakeness I abhor above all else.

I guess I’ve mostly just felt there isn’t any reason to return to my old life. I’m so less stressed out now. Not anger free, but less angry. Not sadness free, but less sad in some ways. More accepting of myself. But I know this must be a transitory period of my life, because there is no future to the path I’m on. I will never regret the opportunity to regain strength and reflect upon the parts of my life I usually bury deep down inside. Now its time to do something with this reinvigoration.

And I do have at least one piece of unfinished business waiting for me.

Years

Almost 10 since my ex had last contacted me at a belated hand off of goods at Sakura hibachi grill. We had parted on as about as amicable as I knew how, but I did the whole social media removal thing in Hope’s of not falling into the many obsession traps I knew to exist in long term partings.

I was now married to someone links to my time in Wyoming, with a daughter a few years old.
I get tripped up in describing what came next because I dont know how to define when you have a conversation internally that then manifests .

In my early motherhood I would get real stuck on the worry that somehow I had chosen a partner that would bring about my darkest fears, and had sent out this telepathic line for an outside party with experience just to kind of scope out the situation and evaluate.

Lo, not much time passes and it’s my ex contacting my now husband about attending a metal show together . He does this not just once , but a few times. I reach out to inquire, to get a feel for why hes deciding to make his presence known over this way and also reestablishsocial media contact. He tells me my husband a good guy, sends a few likes to some pictures of my daughter and the cats and let’s me know about the electricians path hes been walking.

I’m more inclined to let things rest as sometimes our conversations are not physical and sometimes even if things don’t work out in company the opportunity to say I’m still looking out for you may also become a space of behavior.

Not that I haven’t considered more dangerous alternatives.

I know you’re here, Wolf

To Who Howls at the Moon,
I could not help but follow the sound of your wail.
You whined of pains that I knew so well.
Your words spoke to me as if they were my own, and so I harmonized as I walked to your cliff. I arrived.
You sang me so many songs, so happy someone would listen the cries you only could tell the sky. You sang me promises of a love larger than the world as your eyes glittered like the stars.
In return I put myself in the path of the hunters without a thought because you would do the same for me, or so I thought.
I have followed your wail for years, hoping to teach you a ballad of joy.
I have seen your wounds and have done my best to stitch them closed.
Yet you never heard my lullabies of loneliness, or held me as I cried.
Recently I have tried to share your pain, but you bit me. You pulled out your stitches and opened your scars just so you can bleed and wail once more because I wasn’t enough. All the same I cleaned them up and bandaged you. I was always there for you.
An old audience member came back to listen to your songs. I knew she was there. I was happy you had someone else to talk to. I wish you talked to me more but if she was helping I understood.
I didn’t know you left the cliff to see her. I didn’t know you sang her the same songs you sang to me.
Then you said we needed time apart. I asked why and received no answer. I thought there was a chance but it hurt.
I was broken, and sad. I was bruised and wounded. You needed someone stronger because I wasn’t enough. The stars of love you had in your eyes for me was over casted by clouds of her.
Your love is like the moon, it has phases until its gone completely.
I tried to ask for another chance but I heard you singing for her. You were as we were still together.
You broke every promise you ever made to me, like breaking my bones. It wasn’t until you ripped out my heart I even noticed it’s all I had left. I was eaten alive by the shame you made me feel, and tossed on the large pile of all the old audience members, rotting, broken, and worthless.

What did I expect by falling in love with a selfish Wolf?

– Your Burden