Month: November 2020

K,
I’m having a very strange day today, maybe I forgot to take my medication last night…

I had a dream about you and it made me think very deeply about you. I hear you had a child :), my daughter fills my heart with so much happiness, I hope your kid does the same. Did you get married? My wife is more than I deserve… Thats basically all I can say about that ha. Either way, I hope.you had a moment where you knew he was the one, its a nice feeling to be so sure about someone you love.

Sometimes I feel like I want to reach out to you… I don’t know what I would say and I don’t because I’m sure your response isn’t something I want to hear… I am curious if you think about me… like, positively ha. I hope you understand that I was unhappy with my life and although I did and said things I didn’t mean I loved you very much.

I was 13 and as a recent Rangely Colorado transplant was nudged into a club by my guiding adults. Destination Imagination, formerly Odyssey of the Mind was a creative problem solving think outside the box kind of club that was global.

My team , after much conflict and members threatening to drop out, long nights blasting rammstein in my friends garage while we hacked away at our respective projects and 3 successful competitions , we achieved an invitation to the global competition in Knoxville Tennessee.

We raised the money to get there to perform our skit. In the Alice in Wonderland based show we put together a few of my peers engineered a machine guide for our Alice as she travelled to the Berlin Wall, Neuschwanstein Castle, Big Ben Clocktower, and the Golden Gate bridge to conquer the challenge presented by myself the mad scientist. I was also in charge set design and had to conquer my anxiety to sing Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall pt 3 a few times.
While in Knoxville we were all given a series of custom pins to go forth and trade with our various peers from different states and countries. Unfortunately China was under quarantine with its Sars outbreak so they were not present for the exchange or ceremonies parade, but the Thai , Japanese , and Korean teams I met were so sweet and eager to exchange pins, I also got a few from new york and various other states. Some of which I gave as favors to friends back home who helped us.

What a trip. We were set up in college dorms and given free range to explore. Our team ranked 24th or so out of 50. I might be wrong on that I just was proud we were somewhere in the middle, if felt like proof of effort.

My love is like a failing dam. It does not seep through until the city is flooded over time. It breaks and cascades and leaves those in its wake soaked with the intensity of it. Most drown, but I had hoped you to be a better swimmer.

I’m sorry. You deserve better.

A quarter of my life stolen for no fucking reason other than to amuse you. Absolutely nothing given back over that time. Look at the trajectory of my life since I met you. Why didn’t I listen to all the people who tried to warn me what an awful person you are and to stay away from you? They were right, you suck. Grow the fuck up. Or don’t. I don’t care anymore.

I understand now that I had no grasp on how bad your alcoholism was

and that you wanted ‘alone time’ so I couldn’t keep tabs on you,

and I became so unattractive to you because I always knew the truth

and you couldn’t handle it.

I know you better than anyone. better than the owners of the restaurant we work at, better than Lxx. better than your high school friends. better than Rxxxxxx or Sxxx or any other girl you cheated on me with. Better than your own family.

At least this version of you.

And you couldn’t fucking stand that I was always on point. I was so in tune with you I always knew when something was up.

You couldn’t communicate with me because you were always having this internal battle with yourself.

you lied to me for a very long time.

I understand now that alcohol took away all the best parts of you. Everything I loved about you. turned you into someone I don’t recognize.

a part of me wishes you told me the truth. trusted me enough to try to talk to me and work on it with me. I would have done anything for you. I thought even in our darkest times we were together forever.

But you made a different decision, I felt you slip away from me in my sleep. You tapped out. you saw me as something else.

I had the best part of you for a year, I can’t be mad at that.

I mourn the loss of the future we could have had.

The sweet taste of the celebration once you figured out your shit and reached sobriety.

But you never really wanted that. You still don’t know what you want.

You treated me horribly (not to say I was an angel, I take full responsibility for my shortcomings). A large part of it was due to the alcohol, but it was also you. A lot of it was just you.

You had it all baby, we had it all. I loved you to bits. I would have done anything for you.

In return, you burned this to the ground.

I wish you all the best. I am always sending you good vibes. I hate this version of you, and I doubt we will ever reconcile as long as you are still under the spell of that bottle.

This is goodbye.

p.s. also, for the record, I never cheated on you. You came up with that narrative to redeem yourself of your guilt and justify your actions.

Eventually, you ruined the concept of a night out together. The idea cocktails at civil and GS stopped feeling so frivolous and romantic. I went out with friends, most of the time Misha, and cried in public at the bar down the street from our house about how I was losing you. How this was all going downhill, how I could feel in my bones you didn’t love me anymore while they told me it couldn’t possibly be true.

So while you sat at home and drank yourself to sleep on those late nights, know I was medicating in the same way. I felt this coming for a long time, I was just stupid enough to think you loved me too much to let this actually happen.

I know better now. I will never let that happen again.

No one has ever made me feel the way I feel for you. I don’t know why that is, after all these years. It doesn’t feel the same to meet the gaze of another. It felt like a blessing at first, but maybe it’s a curse now since I’ll probably never see you again. I wish we were at least friends before these feelings hit. It would’ve made it easier for me to talk to you and just be comfortable around your presence. I’d spend the nights imagining how to greet you and how our conversation could go. But whenever I saw you, all the plans went out the door and I just forget the words I wanted to say. All we ever did was just stare at each other. The longer this went on, I felt like I was undeserving of you. My low self-esteem certainly didn’t help at all. I wish we had met at a different time or that I was different then because now I’m stuck here missing the things that could’ve been.