I miss you all the time but I know you deserve a better friend. You told me about how she didn’t love you back and I would’ve given anything in the world to make you feel alright. I wanted to be strong and there for you, but all I could do was look in the mirror and wonder why my love was never enough for you. I listened as you called her sweet words you hadn’t called me in years. I told you I loved you as well and you said you were the unluckiest man alive. It’s not your fault, you deserve much better. I had to pull away from the situation because it caused me so much harm. So much so that I couldn’t see the point of living for a while. Please know I’ll always love you. I left because I didn’t want to drag you down with my selfishness. In the end I want your happiness over all, and even if that involves never seeing each other again I’ll do it. As my first man, you’ll always have a special place in my heart.
I am going to live loving a heart that will never be mine
And die knowing I never gave mine away fully.
Misunderstood, angry, discouraged, lonely….thats how I feel almost all of the time. Scared too. That this is just how its gonna be from now on. That I’m just some kind of irretrievably broken, and that, as you would probably want me to believe, I deserve the overall misery I feel. What I’ve apparently failed to convey to you no matter how many times I’ve tried, is that, on those rare occasions when I felt respected by you, appreciated by you, wanted by you, I didn’t feel those ways. Sure, you’re not responsible for my happiness, but you do have more of an impact on that than anyone else alive. My mistake for ever entrusting you my heart.
When have you ever abided by any of the ‘rules’ you established? ‘Don’t try to make me jealous, that’s childish’, as you nonchalantly exchange numbers with my friend two feet away from me, knowing how special it was for me when we had done the same thing not long before. ‘You get back what you put out there’, as you surgically remove me from your life every time I try to tell you how I feel. ‘We can’t have a legitimate dialogue if you’re gonna just be judgmental all the time’. You’re right about that one. Been judging me basically since day one. My posture, my complexion, I talk too much, I use too much ketchup, I let people walk all over me (namely you), my jacket is fake and not expensive enough, I’m delusional and a lunatic, my taste in music mostly sucks, I’m just not cool enough for you. And look, no real conversation! Amazing, even after I tried to sit up more straight, went out bought nicer coats, started listening to different music, nothing actually changed.
I’d be remiss if I made it seem like it was all bad. There was one time you made me feel more secure about my body image, which I really needed, and still do. One time when we texted (and you actually replied) you made me feel cool, like someone who deserved to be talking to you. Scattered amongst the times you taunted me with how nice your new SO’s car was, there was one time you made me feel better about not having a car, which had always been a major insecurity for me. And one rainy summer night you were actually both proud of me and not ashamed to be in love with me. Small moments littered throughout the years, but if I still remember them now, you know they made an impact.
I’ve always wanted to help you too. Maybe I never did a very good job, but I tried. I always treated your family with respect no matter how little I got back in return. I never talked shit behind your back no matter how much I struggled not having anyone to talk to about you (maybe that’s why I write here). I basically cut off anyone I knew who talked ill about you, whether they were my best friend or just good friends who treated me really well. The handful of times you opened up and told me personal things I tried to really listen and be empathetic. The last time I remember you opening up, you told me how excited you were about applying for a new job. You told me about your interview, what you wore, etc. I could see it in your beautiful eyes and smile how much you wanted it. And then the next time I saw you I followed up and you started yelling at me because you didn’t get it. You didn’t invite me to your graduation, but I would’ve come and been proud to cheer you on. You never invited me to any birthday party. You stopped going to the annual neighborhood Thanksgiving and Super Bowl parties once I started showing up. The truth is, there are so many times I wanted to be there with you, for you, so many parts of myself I wanted to give you to make you happy. But whether it was shame, anger, or revenge, it became more and more clear over time that there was nothing that you wanted from me.
So I guess that’s it huh? Reminds me of the time I asked you “Why am I still here?” and you said “You tell me.” I walked away that night as I did so many times because you just cant stop the gaslighting for 5 mins to even acknowledge what we had was real and could’ve been forever. To provide me with the smallest semblance of sanity, confidence, stability, or credibility. I guess its just easier to put it all on my broad shoulders. I told you I was in love with you. You told me I was “your fucking nightmare.” There’s a million other things I could say, but honestly, whats the point?
Why am I still here?
You are gone, at least the way I knew you.
You are dead.
You are gone.
You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.
then you left and abandonded me,
much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.
when my mom left and didnt come back for year.
Is that why, then,
that i keep imagining that there will come a time,
in the future,
a time when you will come back
and you will be there.
make it right
do it right
be good to me
and hopefulyl never change
never go away again.
is this a flashback
is this right
i think that make ssome sense, there, but
i never thought of it in that way
until just now.
but it seems to be making some kind of sense
something you can never do.
not for yourself
or anyone else
and that is to your very own detriment,
because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt
the pain you feel is descending therough your body
like blood in your veins
it fills you
in every way
and it never will, stop
and i feel for you,
i think you do know that muich.
but i akso know
that feeling for you does nothing
and will never mean anything,
so whats the point?
i cant help how i feel.
but i CAN help how i think
how i process and how i deal.
how i cope
its a tough road ahead
the past has been
and its not over yet.
not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before
when you lifted me so high
i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away
and i hate you for it,
as i hate you,
for so many
so many, many other things, related
this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks
and you just sit where you sit
and you just be you and moe on and
act like i was
nothing at all.
that is exactly
exactly how i feeel.
and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.
and i hate myself.
i want to blame you for so many things,
i know it isnt right,
but i want to put it on you
maybe because i feel if i do that,
if i out it all on you,
you can take it all away.
mayve one day
if you ever become self aware
maybe you can understand what you have done
what you have
done to me
by coming and going
by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.
AND NOT FEELING A THING ABOUT IT
JUST MOVING ON AS IF I NEVER EXISTED
THEN, HWEEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP MY NAME
YOU TAKE OFFENSE AND GET ANGRY
YOU SAY i AM RUINING YOUR LIFE
I AM MAKING YOU FEEL GUILT THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN
ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point
and now im dead
and you dont want to have anything to do with it.
you want to walk away as if i never existed .
but you made me who i was when iwa swith you
and then you took that babygirl with you
when you left
and now its just me
and thats okay
because it doesnt make any difference anyway
im sorry you are who you are
but i am also so happy yu are who you are
or were who you were,
but now youre not that man and im devastated
abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone
but you wouldnt even if you could
the sad oart is
i would let you
at least at this poit in the journey
i still feel i would
i would let you
i would let you try
and i hope one day taht you do
i hope the day comes before one of us dies
iu hope you love me again one day
i hope forever
i will not feel this way
so full of dismay
i sit here
and i still wonder why
and i need to know
but you wont et me go
and i cant ever grow
because only you know
and it dfoesnt kill you
or at all.
not at all.
and im sorry i am who i am
that i am not more worthy of that
thatkind of love you once gave to me
i am sad
i am saddneded
and gone from who i was before
i am sorry.
i want you to be here
and make e feel
so happy again.
but i know tht will never happen
but i still hope that it will
that you will come back
and make it eright
like my mom did
and im sorry
because it is so
pathetic thast i am sorry.
that you hurt me this way.
that you left
right when i needed you most
and you promised youd stay
that you were on my side and
you wanted to be there every day
in every way
i was the light of your day
you said you wanted it all
all of me
all of it
do it right
with a smile
and im a fool
i am a fool.
im sorry taht i am
forgiving myself NOW.
send me flowers to the door — I love flowers and their scent
a letter, a note, a card in the mail — I love handwritten sentiments
ring the bell on my door — I love surprise visits
wait for me outside my office — I love the idea because nobody has ever done this
call my cell and say something — I would love to hear your voice
something – little things so very big
a single first step showing you really care
.. I may be reluctant to believe you
but what we have, always had, is bigger then fear
.. just like I do.
nothing else matters
You know what I want? I want the type of relationship where we can talk about anything, literally anything without needing a reason for it. I want to be able to tell you you’re beautiful when you believe you are at your worst. I want to be able to tell you you’re amazing when you’re feeling down. I want to be able to tell you that I love you on a whim. All this, without needing a reason. I just want to tell you all these things and more because I want to and I want that to be reason enough. Would you be willing, when the time comes, to let me say these things to you?
It’s been over 10 years since you died. I still tear up when I think of all the fun times we had. I still see your face perfectly when I close my eyes. You were home for me. God I miss you. Life hasn’t been the same and I definitely am not either.
I am having surgery in October and tbh the only thought that calms my nerves is knowing that if things go wrong I will be able to see you again.
I miss you Ryan!