Day: September 15, 2020

forbidden, inevitable (in another life)

i’ve always told my sister i’d do anything for her. i know what i need to do now.

i’ll bring her my smiles and laughter, saving my heartbreak and tears for another time when she can’t sense my pain. i’ll keep my eyes locked with hers, listening to her every word of every story, doing everything i can to avoid shifting my gaze to meet his and getting lost in another daydream.

she loves him with her entire heart and my heart is getting out of control. i owe it to her to process these feelings alone. i owe it to her to lie and say everything is fine, and of course i’d love to come over for dinner, and of course i will be in her wedding, and of course one day i’ll be the best aunt to her baby. there’s no one else she trusts more than me. of course i’d never hurt her.

i have to let it go.

i’ll sit with the guilt i feel when i think he deserves more, and rinse myself clean of the feeling that he’d be happier with me. i’ll bite my tongue when she criticizes the parts of him that i know so intimately – the ones i’ve known and loved since before he and i even met. i’ll never tell her how many times i’ve wanted to be alone with him when she’s in the room, or how quickly i fell for all the parts of him she can’t stand. i’ll help her see that those sides of him are worth loving; i’ll never let her know that i loved them first.

i’ll be his friend, just like always. i’ll make dinner with him and drink on the patio and play cards until morning for as long as i live. i’ll never hold his hand, or stare at his lips for too long, or crawl over to the driver’s side and give him the love we’ve both been craving for so many years. i’ll go on dates and fuck other people until someone makes me feel even close to the way he does – so loved, so appreciated, and so deeply understood. i won’t think about how i could give him everything he says his life is missing. i’ll give up the fantasies and the photos and the memories and leave a hole in the pit of my heart and my stomach if it means she will be happy forever. i’ll never tell him what i’m thinking, even if he asks. and i know he will always ask.

i hope he never finds out. i hope she never finds out. maybe there’s a universe in which i’m happy and he and i are together, but i’ll do everything i can to let that feeling go so she can be happy in this one.

Wonder Woman

What’s the happiest you’ve ever been? For me it was on a beach on the Red Sea. Blue seas as far as the eye could see. I swam out to meet the dolphins, but they were too fast to catch. But I didn’t mind, they were so free I don’t know what I’d do if I caught up to one. Maybe just say hi. They were so majestic. That day was the happiest I had ever been. And then my mom died. And I realized there were so many times with her that far surpassed my time with the dolphins.

There is nothing in this world more beautiful than a mother’s love for her child. If you want to find a reason to believe in God, just watch NatGeo for a little and see how regardless of species, pretty much every mother is programmed to love their children. You could be a little baby bear, or a little baby lion, or a little baby human, completely defenseless, and your mom is gonna take care of you. No matter what. That’s a real superhero.

She was diagnosed with cancer a month or two before I met you. If I had any spine I would’ve flown home and taken care of her immediately. But I didn’t. That’s on me, forever. The only person who has ever taken my side always and loved me unconditionally, she was dying, but I was too busy smoking pot and playing video games. ‘Hey Mom, good luck with the advanced breast cancer, I’ll see you at Christmas. Yeah, ham would be better than turkey.’

As she crumbled, physically and mentally, she never asked me for anything once. She wanted me to be happy and successful. And she was so proud of me. I didn’t deserve that. I was the only person in the entire world that could’ve saved her, but I was too focused on me. I failed her undying love for me over and over again, not just at the end, but throughout my entire life. Now I never get to see her again, when what I want more than anything is to see her one more time to tell her how sorry I am. Saying it to her unconscious body wasn’t good enough. She deserved so much better. Hopefully, I’ll get to see her in Heaven someday.

No matter what I do for the rest of my life, I let my Mom die miserable and alone. I’m a piece of shit, no matter what. That’s a mistake I can never amend, I just have to try to life with. The only thing I can do is try to honor her legacy by being as good as I can to show what an amazing Mom she was and how instrumental she was in my life. I’m doing real good at that, don’t you think? And yet she’ll still be proud, somehow.

How Original

Extreme daddy issues. Refusal to open up or expose any vulnerability whatsoever. Won’t respond positively to anything other than neglect and abuse because of conditioning. Feels no need to give anything of themself because of the hurt inflicted by others in the past. Enjoys inflicting pain.
Cannot conceptualize how anyone would feel aggrieved by their actions, no matter how mean-spirited or self-consumed. No capacity for empathy for others, because no one offered any when it was needed the most. Craves attention and recognition from strangers because never got it at home as a child. Therefore everything must be a public spectacle. Embraces alternative lifestyles to create an aura of specialness; won’t believe anyone who just thinks they’re naturally special. Thinks showing respect is a sign of weakness while manipulation is a form of strength. Thinks any genuine gesture of love or affection is fraudulent; while mistaking blatant fakeness for authenticity. Thinks anyone who wouldn’t constantly exploit all of the painfully obvious aforementioned to their advantage is a loser because thats all you know. I’d feel bad for you if I didn’t think you’d hold that against me too. So tough.

Hi..

hey.. i honestly wish you had told me sooner that you liked me. i don’t even know why i wish that so much, especially considering the fact that i was in a situation-ship at the time.. perhaps it’s because i used to have a small thing for you, before i met the other guy. you’re sweet, fun, and overall a great person to be around. i don’t know what more to say, especially knowing that you’re never going to see this, but you literally shocked me so much that i can barely think straight.

Upon Reflection

to a v,

I heard something the other day along the lines of ‘the lonely know themselves best’. And that resonated with me because I fully understand how all that time to yourself forces you to focus inward. Why do literally all my relationships fail? Even with my family? Its gotta be me right? Ordinary people don’t ask themselves those types of questions. Ordinary people don’t ever question how they themselves may in fact be probably part of any particular problem they encounter. They just live, for themselves, at all times. Life is short, who could blame them?

Extraordinary people, on the other hand, are willing to be strong when no one else will care. Integrity: doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Its easy to work out a lot and build muscles and show off how strong you are. Its easy to bully your social subordinates, solidifying status among your peers by showing how much ‘stronger’ you are. Its easy to only stand for that which is socially acceptable to stand for. But like Hamilton told Burr, “If you stand for nothing” then “what will you fall for.” True strength comes from that which doesn’t provide any extrinsic benefit. I don’t sacrifice my principles to ‘prove loyalty’. I don’t pay all my debts so I can brag about it like a Lannister. I don’t stand up for the bullied so I can be exalted like the bully sought themself. Being honorable, treating others with respect, doing the right thing, these actions make me proud of myself as much as any achievement I’ve ever earned, regardless of any recognition from others. I’d like to think you understand that, but I doubt it. Doesn’t seem like anyone does. The “loudest wears the fattest crown”.

Strength, based upon any definition, is based upon confidence, no? If you asked yourself about anyone you yusually perceive to be weak, low confidence would surely be a characteristic trait. And yet you think I’m weak, you think I have no confidence, I know you do. You couldn’t be further from the truth. You could give me a 12 pack and a couple bowl packs and I’d still be smarter than anyone you know. You could hit me, but I’ve been hit before. How can a good cross hurt when you’ve seen someone wither from cancer? That’s real pain. You could yell at me for hours but I’ve been there done that too. My toughness and confidence comes from the fact I don’t need any validation; I know better than anyone what I am capable of in all regards.

You need to fill your bed at night? Need to not feel so alone? You’re talking to the wrong person. Yeah I’ve been teased about being single, can’t get action yada yada yada. If you were hungry and I told you I’d make you any soup you want, would you ask for borscht or matzo, or ‘anything Campbells’? You can get chicken noodle anywhere. But make no mistake, every person you have sex with, I want you less.

a real man