Gone Daddy Gone Girl

You are gone, at least the way I knew you.
You are dead.
You are gone.
You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.
then you left and abandonded me,
much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.
when my mom left and didnt come back for year.
Is that why, then,
that i keep imagining that there will come a time,
in the future,
a time when you will come back
and you will be there.
again
at last
forever more
make it right
do it right
be good to me
once again
and hopefulyl never change
never go away again.
?
is this a flashback
is this right

i think that make ssome sense, there, but
i never thought of it in that way
until just now.
but it seems to be making some kind of sense
realizations
perceptions
inner reflection.
something you can never do.
not for yourself
or anyone else
and that is to your very own detriment,
my friend.
because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt
the pain you feel is descending therough your body
like blood in your veins
it fills you
in every way
and alqays
and it never will, stop
and i feel for you,
i do.
i think you do know that muich.
but i akso know
that feeling for you does nothing
and will never mean anything,
to you.
so whats the point?
i cant help how i feel.
but i CAN help how i think
how i process and how i deal.
how i cope
its a tough road ahead
the past has been
and its not over yet.
not until
not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before
when you lifted me so high
i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away
and i hate you for it,
as i hate you,
for so many
so many, many other things, related
this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks
and you just sit where you sit
and you just be you and moe on and
act like i was
NOTHING
nothing at all.
well,
now,
that is exactly
exactly
exactly how i feeel.
and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.
and i hate myself.
i want to blame you for so many things,
i know it isnt right,
but i want to put it on you
maybe because i feel if i do that,
if i out it all on you,
then somehow
maybe
you can take it all away.
mayve one day
if you ever become self aware
maybe you can understand what you have done
what you have
REALLY
done to me
by coming and going
by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.
AND NOT FEELING A THING ABOUT IT
JUST MOVING ON AS IF I NEVER EXISTED
THEN, HWEEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP MY NAME
YOU TAKE OFFENSE AND GET ANGRY
YOU SAY i AM RUINING YOUR LIFE
I AM MAKING YOU FEEL GUILT THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN
ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point
and now im dead
and you dont want to have anything to do with it.
you want to walk away as if i never existed .
but you made me who i was when iwa swith you
and then you took that babygirl with you
when you left
and now its just me
here
here
here
here
missing you
missing me
missing it
missing that.
and thats okay
because it doesnt make any difference anyway
anyway,
im sorry you are who you are
but i am also so happy yu are who you are
or were who you were,
rather,
but now youre not that man and im devastated
abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone
but you wouldnt even if you could
you can
you wont
the sad oart is
i would let you
at least at this poit in the journey
i still
i still feel i would
i would let you
i would let you try
and i hope one day taht you do
i hope the day comes before one of us dies
iu hope you love me again one day
i hope forever
i will not feel this way
so dissarray
so full of dismay
i sit here
and cry
and i still wonder why
and i need to know
but you wont et me go
and i cant ever grow
because only you know
and it dfoesnt kill you
sodtly
pr slowly
or at all.
not at all.
and im sorry i am who i am
that i am not more worthy of that
thatkind of love you once gave to me
i am sad
so sad
i am saddneded
and broken
and gone from who i was before
i am sorry.
i want you to be here
and make e feel
so happy again.
but i know tht will never happen
but
but i still hope that it will
that you will come back
and make it eright
like my mom did
eventually.
and im sorry
because it is so
damned
pathetic thast i am sorry.
that you hurt me this way.
that you left
me
right when i needed you most
and you promised youd stay
that you were on my side and
you wanted to be there every day
in every way
i was the light of your day
you said you wanted it all
all of me
all of it
this life
do it right
with a smile
and im a fool
oh
i am a fool.
im sorry taht i am
i
am
a
fool.
forgiving myself NOW.

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