Nikki,
When I came back home in July of last year after spending 13 months away, I planned to start working as a way to stay the fuck away from home and make my own money to get ready for leaving this place. I remember the night I sent in my application, my mom had made me cry on the phone, and I remember thinking that I had to get out of here and really start thinking about me. I wonder where we would be if that never happened.
I liked you from the beginning. I also liked him from the beginning. I don’t remember what drew me to you at first. It was like you didn’t draw me into you in a conscious way, I just naturally knew you mattered to me. That I liked you. I know I did nothing but love on you for the better part of a year. I showed you that I was nothing but together. But you see, I grew to be lying about that more and more.
I’m so sorry, Nikki. I’m so sorry that I once again had to destroy something good. This is my pattern. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. It’s something I’m aware of, not that I’m making excuses. I recreate the trauma and chaos that I’ve always known in my life perpetually. If you know anything about PTSD – I compulsively recreate trauma. Put myself through it.
This isn’t meant to be a pity me sob story, at the end of the day I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible, I am accountable. I control me. But the twisted things I want to do often overpower me. And believe it or not, I think this is still a process of me getting better. I want to be better.
Nikki, I am sorry that you were on the receiving end of this. It tore me up for days. It tore me up the whole time it was happening. I was so sick, it was all over me. Again, this is not about me, I cannot imagine how you felt and feel.
I’m not going to parade around like I’m innocent, and I’m sorry if it’s coming across like I am. I am terrified of this. I am horrified at myself for allowing it. I am disgusted at these things I did. I am so sick to my stomach about it. But I emulate someone stronger than myself so I tried to control my emotions and stay neutral. As much as I fought against getting emotional, as all I am is emotions. I wanted to fall before you and beg for your forgiveness. I wanted to see all that damn pain leave you. I wanted the warmth that I intended to melt that coldness towards me. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that, and for a rightfully so reason. It felt like my upset stomach was poured into one of the soup pots and stirred by your hands.
And I know this has to feel like a crash you hear in the kitchen, running towards it just as you first heard it and falling on broken glass. Everything you thought you knew falling to pieces in front of you. And Nikki, I’m so sorry.
You have every right to feel the way you do. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could pour my heart out to you and tell you all of everything like it’s something that would help, like it’s something that would make you see and understand and forgive me. God, I know that can’t happen. I know now I will only ever be a very shit person in your already full circle of pretty shit people. I am now something I never wanted to be to you, someone who doesn’t treat you in a way you deserve. And that was everything I always spoke against to you. I called myself your friend. Looked you in the eyes as I said it. And turned around and stabbed you in the back as I never even gave you a warning.
Nikki I am so sorry. You don’t even know. I will never be able to show you. I sabotage everything good. I put myself through pain on purpose. I have never known stability. I’m sorry.