09/15

My lady friend next door let’s me borrow her car for an outing to the green store and Cat food pickup.
Good News first, a lovely older woman at checkout named Jackie compliments a tattoo of a butterfly I had given myself the day before above my knee and tells me it looks quite professional. She takes a moment to tell me about her own children’s love of the tattooed arts, and I thank her for her encouragement. I receive similar positive inquiry at the next store.

The bad news, I locked myself out of the house again. I drop off my neighbors keys and a joint with a soda I had picked up for her before I message my husband. Thankfully he’d just got on lunch and obliged to make the trip back home to help me out. He says he was initially mad but thought about his own recent transgressions and knew his was worse overall. I tell him it’s evensies for me as he saves my ass once again. I know he’s been feeling guilty about the car accident and the guilt toward the kid along with the fiscal burden that reduces the probability of us going to Mexico in the spring significantly.
Silver lining, his consultation with the lawyer confirms that we don’t need to look into hiring an attorney until after the court date .He returns to work and I play catch up for awhile.

Everything I Want to Say

I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of none of you responding to a single thing I say and then apologizing so casually. I really, honest-to-god don’t believe you want me around anymore and it hurts so badly because yes I found another group while you are all gone but they are not the same. I want you four, I NEED you four and you have not been there to pick up the phone for so long. Please, just look me in the eyes and tell me you’ll still have me. Anything to make me believe I’m still welcome here. I don’t want you to say how much you miss me just because I’m crying over you. I want it to be genuine. Why is a little effort so much to ask? I’m starting to hate our dynamic, but I still need you. And the kicker is that if I said anything, all I would get back would be excuses and empty assurances. I wish I had the strength to leave you all before you leave me because I can see it coming no matter how much you try to convince me it isn’t.

I think that no matter what, you’ll always have a hold on me.

9/9/23

I will always remember this day. Still in shock. I knew that we couldn’t do this forever but… Sometimes I think this life is punishment for a life I had before and didn’t appreciate enough. I met beautiful souls. I fell in love with a few. Two of them were like soulmates. But none of them stayed. I’m done with soulmates, I’m done with romance.

my thoughts and feelings after “because i liked a boy”

I had already wrote like 2 or 3 letters in this website, but I just keep doing it, if feels right, even though there is no answer to my letters I feel like someone will understand me, so I’ll keep writing this as long as it makes me feel good.
Today I want to write because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. There is people that love me, and I love them, that isn’t the problem, the thing is that I just don’t fit in with everyone else. I don’t know why this happens, I try to act like everyone else, always trying to remember being myself, but no one seems to like that.
I’ve realise that people ussualy blame me for things, when there is a problem that involves more than one person, I am always the one that will surely end up in trouble. That has lead me to losing friends. I don’t think this only happens becouse of me, it surely is related with me being a women. That sound dramatic, I know it does, but it is true. If I kiss a guy that has already been with someone I know I’m a slut because I can’t control myself. If more than one guy likes me and I don’t know what to do with that they will presure me, they will say that I’m a bitch for doing this to them, that I am playing with their feelings. If I talk to “too many” guys I’m a whore, I should be faithful to only one and stop doing that.
With all of this I want to make a point, If a guy my age (15) kisses his friend’s ex they will say that she must had approached him, it was probably her fault. If lots of girls like the same guy or if he talks to a lot of girls at the same time he is a winner, his friends will celebrate him, and the other persons probably will think the same.
I just think that the world is such an easier place to be in if you are a man, I just want to experience that, I want people to like me, I don’t want to be call a whore anymore.
Please, if you are one of this persons that just make the world as awful as it is make a change.

Sometimes

The feelings are intense. As I shut my eyes it feels like you are right next to me. The feel of your skin up against mine. Your warm breath on my lips that works it’s way down to my neck and then to my breasts. My fingers grasping your hair as my breathing gets out of control. I can feel my eyes dialating as you whisper in my ear ” I feel you.” You start to kiss my stomach and my hips start to move. I bite my lip as your warm breath and soft lips work to my inner thigh.

I wake up

I left

I left him a few years ago…. I thought he had moved on. Why is he all of a sudden messaging me like he wants to hook up again? I’m thinking about it. Maybe all we needed was a reset. I’m so confused. He messages me asking if I remember when…. I do. When we first met it was extacy. He was obsessed. After year 10 he still treated me like I was the only one he worshipped. I started building walls about the 12 year mark. He notice. After 3 years of wall building I finally added a door and walked out. I told him I was going to. He acted as if I didn’t mean what I said. 3 years of wall building with a door added and a secret escape ( you) that was added I shut the door and locked it. I spent a few years healing from the chaos I had created deep inside. Is him texting me a sign to reconcile?
He has a girlfriend so why is he messaging me?
Maybe I need to find someone new to explore life with.
I have another guy interested. He is a Dr. We have hung out and for some reason he is smitten. When him and I hung out we had fun but never slept together. He did sneak a kiss when he dropped me off to my car last time we went out. The one problem we did face was everytime we would get up from a table at a restaurant to leave he wouldn’t be able to stand without calming himself down🤣. I would have to leave first and wait in the car for a few minutes. As flattering as that was I just don’t know if he was just sexually attracted to me. I would hope that if I did find someone new to be with that they would be interested in learning the deep things I hold inside chained away from the outside world in a chest made of steel.