Thanks.

Hi. I have so many mixed emotions, I don’t even know what to say. I can’t say that I hate you, I can’t and I never will. I remember a simpler time when I could love you and you could love me and everything seemed perfect. When it all came crashing down I almost killed myself. It was never your fault, but I was fragile, and your love was the only thing keeping me afloat. That was stupid of me, I see that now.

But I don’t think that I ever got a chance to thank you. Because at the time it sucked to even think about, but you leaving my life in that way made way for something new. It was scary, and I’m still trying to navigate it. I have made a lot of mistakes and I am definitely not the best at it, but I think I found someone, and they found me. And I doubt myself all the time, and I never know what I’m doing, and you probably don’t care about all of that, but I think that if you saw how much progress I’m making you would be proud of me. I’m trying to love, and I’m trying to be the person that they deserve. I’m learning past what you and others did to me and I am trying, and I think that you would be damn proud.

So thanks. Because you taught me what love shouldn’t feel like, and now I know. And I am through with doubting myself. I will follow my dreams one day and I will rise to the top, and when I do, I will be thinking of you. I am so much more capable than I ever thought that I was with you and I have so much more strength now then when you left. I will make you proud, and I am really happy that I can still consider you a friend.

something i’ve always kept

Hey there,
I’ve decided that it finally was the time for me to talk about myself and my feelings. As you know I’m a really closed person and I don’t like to share my emotions, but I think I really need to exteriorize everything. I’m tired of always feeling lonely, even if i’m surrounded by people, like my family or my friends but I feel like no one really understands me. I’ve started to kinda isolate myself, always locked in my bedroom with my music. This is how I like it, calm and peaceful, no one there to disturb me. Why have I started to be like that ? Well because I can’t stand my family’s problems anymore. There’s always something wrong, I don’t have a good relation with my father, he’s never told me “I love you” and neither do I. I’ve always had a good relation with my mom, but since a few months it’s not the same anymore, I don’t know why. And my brothers, always there to talk behind my back with my mom when i”m not around. They don’t even know that I always hear their conversations. Anyways, I’m just tired of all of that, I want to leave the house, be independent and maybe have a new start. I’m tired of not being understood, and I don’t even know who I could share my feelings with, I don’t really trust a lot of people and I’m always afraid of being judged about that. I didn’t even talk about a third of what I feel, and why in this letter but I guess it’s just a start. I’m sorry if i’m just complaining here, but as I said it before, no one knows about how i am, no one really asks and even when they do I lie. It’s the first website i’ve found to write something anonymously, so there I am. Oh and by the way sorry if my english isn’t really perfect, I’m French.
Thank you for reading everything if you did, and have a great and happy life, I hope 🙂

Joker

Put on a happy face.

That’s all I can do anymore. There’s no room for showing emotion apart from the ones that make you happy. During every interaction with you, I roll up my sleeves to conceal my heart because you can’t handle the truths that swirl within it. Out of sight and out of mind — as long as I appear perpetually content, there must be nothing wrong, right?

I’ve become the Joker, but you were never my Harley. I waste away beneath the shadow of your dark knight, unable to be my true self because of the way my depression affects you.

So let’s bow to the queen, put on a grin from ear to twisted ear, and see what sort of mask I must don today. I get the privilege of being your anti-depressant, suppressing all that I feel every day to make sure you survive the night. You don’t need to know about the interest in self-harm, the demented daydreams, or the suicidal inclinations, because of course I can’t act on any of it without collateral damage. A sense of unconscious blackmail, so to speak.

I’ll just wither away internally — silently — as my insanity continues to build. This conversation with you has become so trite with repetition. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Except I’m not sure I ever expected a different result from you.

Oh well, back to my perfect life.

Getting Signs, I think…I am super optimistic

Hi there,
For as long as I can remember, I have always wondered if the possibility of getting married and having a family would ever happen for me. Lately, I feel that possibility is very much in my favor. This pandemic has allowed me to take the time and truly reflect on what is important and what I want. Usually, when I write here, I post about you or you.

Today, however, that will be different. I feel different too. I feel optimistic and spiritually connected to the signs I have been getting. Signs you have introduced to me to the spiritual and god-like messages from Pastor Michael Todd on his ideologies around relationship goals. You have also introduced me to randomly viewing Chachi Gonzales’ youtube channel and really looking “what healthy relationships” and being loved correctly looks like. It was genuine, heartfelt, and made me feel very excited when it’s my turn. Now I know for anyone reading this, may say…well that’s youtube and social media. That’s not real life. However, it was enough to get me to change my mood and look forward to the future.

For a long time, I was concerned with finding the right one and having a family. Spiritually you told me that I have to work on myself first to obtain all the things I want. I finally understand.

I am ready to receive the messages and reach the trajectory I meant for. I am ready to put everything into action.

to me

I know you love me,
There is always a way to receive love like we have never received before no matter circumstances.
Are you willing to ride the wave or you are keeping self sabotaging yourself hiding in a cave
not speaking your truth?
Will you ever be ready to receive ? When?
When do you start seeing you are perfect and you are worthy of love
Worthy of receiving love first but foremost from yourself.
When will you see how beautiful you are
When will you love yourself
When will you respect yourself
When will you get obsessed with healing yourself
you are the only one who can Pick up your broken pieces and glue them together
paint them with colours of art, music, hope, joy, bliss, peace, respect,
then dance sing listen music run jump swimm, splash your wings and fly
There is never a better time than now.
Your heart will sabotage you until you speak your truth
until you express your truth
until you create it and share it ,
until you serve it on a silver plate
and Spread it with love.
Once you know how to love yourself unconditionally
Once you will accept yourself unconditionally
You will vibrate with Love and unconditional love will find you.

Ice Queen

Fell into my well of tears,
Bubbling to the top was an
Assortment of fears.
Tangled up in my bluish stare
You opened up wounds
That inflicted pain everywhere.

Thoughts drool down my cheeks
Memories clash the cymbals
You can’t hear me speak.
Anger amounts in a rubbish pile
As I wince from it all,
you give off a devilish smile.

Your heart might me bright
and three times
The size to those you love
But it coils as a viper to strangers,
ready to strike from above.

You are pathetic
when you are so blatantly mean
Nothing is beautiful
about your face
when you are an evil Ice Queen.

Fell into my well of tears had you
And mocked pity with a false care,
Nothing lovely grows
from you indifferent glare.

Stop pretending,
its a farce just as cruel
As your throne,
The only reason you’re in office
Is because of your sly tone.

I’ll never vote you in to the kingdom
Of the kind,
never understand your banter
And its tomfoolery design.
You might think I am being harsh
But I am tired of your blows
There’s no place for you here,
so off you go.