Letters I'll Never Send

Last night I had sucha wonderful dream about you, I never wanted to wake up. You will always be the girl of my dreams.
I love you immensely

N.carter.

Dear A,

I saw a pic the other day on social media, one of those anniversary/nostalgia things. You weren’t in it, but it was taken around the time we met. Now 9 years ago. Truth be told, I can’t really remember much before that happened. And ever since has all been one big blur. I’ll skip past all the heartbreak, trying to express that has never done me much good. I just wanna ask you why? You know how much you meant to me. And we actually had pretty good chemistry I think, most of the time. Remember the Valentines I walked through the snow to see you? You were legitimately happy to see me; you’re not that good at faking. I think we could have been happy together. I think we could’ve formed a team that would’ve been stronger than the sum of its parts. So why did you turn your back on me for good? Did I say or do something to deserve your….hatred? That’s the only word that’s feels right. I’d be so happy if you just randomly popped back in my life some day, there’s nothing that can’t be forgiven, eventually. But, in the meantime, can you at least tell me why you left me?

You will never ever realize what such a good quality fiance you’re about to lose. Why should I have any reason to think that you still want to be mine? You only contact me when you feel like it, for your own selfish reasons. You put on a good act. Take a bow. But be with someone who is as fake as yourself. I am too good to be with YOU. I know another man who deserves me. Even though me and him are only friends. He gives me the attention that you should be giving me. Plus he lives in the same building as me. He also cares about me and shows me compassion. It’s made me question why I’m even still “with” you. It should be HIM I’m marrying. Too late to apologize. Keep kicking your salty wounds. I never quite believed in you anyway. Goodbye.

I’m not going to be the fool who sits around just waiting for you for the rest of my life. Time doesn’t stand still. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. I give myself permission to find a lad who is decent, because I deserve it. I’m not so sure that you’ll end up going to heaven, the way you’ve abandoned me. Either you must have passed away, or you have just decided to become a coward by not telling me that you don’t want me anymore

Maybe I should move to Sweden after all, seeing as living in Britain will only remind me of what we had together. I’m allowed to be with another man if you can’t stick to your promise. You don’t get to choose who else i may end up with. Serves you right for damn well abandoning me. And you know it.

Thanks, girl, for being there for me, and for keeping me company earlier today. I really appreciate it. You went out of your way just to come out with me. Thanks 🙂

Yes I did enjoy myself those two weekends that we spent together, but you don’t really seem to show much interest in having me around. If that’s truly the case, then there was no need to use me or ask me for my phone number. I don’t like being used. I must have only been useful for you those two weekends, cos screw it about how we treat each other in the future. I feel so used by you. That isn’t being a decent friend or looking after me. You aren’t as credible as you think you are. Just because I told you that I enjoyed my time with you, it doesn’t mean that I will always think of you as the last decent lad left on earth. What if I end up meeting a lad who pays me more attention who treats me with more respect? You’ve got competition until you can prove me wrong that you do actually “care” about me and my feelings. Being a decent person to me, doesn’t mean leaving me to my own devices when I’m depressed or going to harm myself, oh but when YOU’RE in hospital or harmed yourself, well then I have to care why? From where I’m standing you only really care about how you yourself is feeling. Screw ME. I’m just another person you ignore because you’re so selfish. Either be true with me or leave me alone, because you don’t want to end your “unique bond” with me. Or do you? The ball is in your court. It’s up to you to pick it up. Only you can decide how you treat me in the future, if I even ever end up hearing from you anymore. What’s the point in asking me for my phone number if you only text me every now and again. That isn’t being a good friend. If you don’t like to hang around with me, then leave me alone. Why DID you ask me for my phone number? For laughs? It certainly feels like it. Oh and those planned “Projects” that we discussed working on with each other, well I’ve still heard nothing from you about them. I’m tired of being ignored by you. If you don’t want to stay in touch with me, then please go away. I don’t have to have time for your crap. Let other lads treat me with respect. At least they’re more capable of it. Why would you even care? You don’t realize what a true person you have lost by neglecting me. That is mean ENOUGH. You expect me to reach out to you, yet you never reach out to me at all. It’s just strange. I can’t work that out. Anyway, get on with it. I know who I WON’T be buying a christmas card for. And don’t bother inviting me to any of your birthdays, as it might take a while for me to even think about relying on you ever again. You just carry on getting all of the attention that you crave. Don’t mind little me.

If the girl you want ever calls the police on you then immediately RUN! Give up on her. She’s not worth it! She just broke the trust and unspoken contract you had. It’s impossible to trust someone again after a betrayal like that… but believe me! There’s plenty of fish in the sea…

I would absolutely never date or marry a girl who would resort to calling the police on someone who loves her. That’s despicable and disgusting.

Love goes hand in hand with trust and if you can’t trust… then you can’t love. Unfortunately I lost the ability the trust anyone years ago….

Everything happens for a reason but true love is one in a million…. I’m not really sure I believe in love anymore anyway… everything is just a fucked up illusion.

Never let anyone try to lower your self esteem either. Toxic girls try to do this in relationships to make you more whipped and beta.

Your real love is out there and she won’t call the police on you, she won’t cheat on you, and she won’t be a complete bitch. Never settle for anything less. Stay optimistic and good things will happen. Don’t “simp over these hoes” like the kids say now lol… best of luck to everyone. I hope we all get what we’re searching for…

Even just in friendship. Having someone to talk to like this was interesting and fun, until it wasn’t.

You know, the last time I found myself in an abusive relationship, our mutual friends were taken aback that I didn’t say anything to them about it until he (a “friendship,” long story) had been gone for over a year. I told them that since he hadn’t been that way toward any of them that I didn’t want it to affect the way anyone else saw him. They still wished I had been more transparent. They were good people. Still are. But I will never be that transparent with others.

With you, it went from fun to something much less so; the following year reflective of the maladjustments I’d assumed over the previous two. No, you weren’t abusive. She was. But I never told you that, and then you insisted that I keep a friendship with her so that you could be comfortable around *me.* You know how sometimes reading it rather than just thinking it can reveal a “new” dimension of ridiculous? I think this might be one of those things. Unless you knew she was abusive and still insisted that one friendship was necessary to make another one work—I’m not gonna waste the amount of indulgence in negativity it takes to describe a person who does that.

But I figured it out and let go. And then I got really happy. But I never had to become happy for everyone else’s bullshit, of which only I or a few with me among them would be privy to, to be safe with me. I just want you to know that I’m actually happy. She makes me happy, but I became content before I met her … and I think it’s *why* I met her.

Please take care of the people who open up to you more sparingly, because they aren’t really hiding anything. It’s easy to confess; it’s much less easy to not spread negativity around like an infectious disease. And it’s nearly impossible to see what others aren’t doing to keep you safe. We’re all better off only speaking kindly of our exes. But some will never be candidates for continued friendship.