j

dear j,
i’ve known you for three years and i’ll know you for even more to come. there is so much to our story and i need to say it all in order for me to let go of all the pain, sadness and joy you caused me.
you were my first love. the first person that made my heart giddy. you were the first person to make me shit myself mentally. we were young and i didn’t know better. you were just a guy who seemed to actually want to talk to me. it was so exciting to have some sort of romantic interest. we were great friends. we texted everyday, had inside jokes and so many good memories. because of you, i got out of my suicidal thoughts. the joy you caused me, saved me. and then, summer came along and we got out of school. i travelled that summer so we stopped talking for a bit but i knew we would bounce right back the second school starts up again.
and then we were in the same homeroom and you had the glow-up of the century that summer. i swear my jaw dropped when i saw how much you’d changed. unfortunately, we didn’t bounce right back. we were friends but you didn’t seem to have the same feelings for me. and for three months, i stayed friends with you, even though i knew i wanted more.
i remember on november first, i found out some heartbreaking news. through the year that i knew you, i was madly in love with you. i thought we were going somewhere but turns out, you didn’t care. turns out, i twisted myself inside out for you, just to figure out you lied about your feelings for me. apparently, i was just “experience”. you just wanted to see how far i would go for you. you wanted to bend me until i would break. and that night i did.
i remember trembling, shaking and just collapsing next to my doorframe. i had no words and my brain couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. i cried so hard that night. i replayed every smiling moment we had and realized that it was fake. your behaviour around me was fake. you were a stranger that i had fallen in love with. you were a stranger that i ripped myself apart for.
i deleted you out of my social life then. unadded you from every social media account. i wanted nothing to do with you. i was angry and hurt. it was my first heartbreak.
we still had to go to school together which meant i saw you everyday. we didn’t talk though. we didn’t interact at all. i never told you how that felt. when you broke it to me.
but then one day, our english teacher made a seating plan for us and we sat right next to each other. we couldn’t ignore each other anymore and we talked for the first time. we completely dismissed what happened two months ago. it was like a breath of fresh air and i know you felt it too. i know you missed me in your body language. your eyes lit up again. and just like that, we were friends again. we never even talked about what you had done to me. maybe you were embarrassed.
i knew that letting you in again would be a mistake but you, you were worth it. i told myself everyday that you had changed. i believed it!
i was wrong. a year had passed and we weren’t as close anymore. we were on good terms and then we weren’t. i can’t remember what it was but you hurt me. again. and i cried. again. there was so much going on in my life at that time. so much hurt from several different people and to top it off, you hurt me. you apologized. using desperate words to express “how much i meant to you”. i forgave you because you “had changed”.
throughout the year, you started to dislike me. always insulting me, not as a joke anymore. you yelled at me, dismissed me and talked shit about me. i thought you were being funny. but it wasn’t funny. what had gone wrong? what did i do?
i beat myself up about it for the whole time. i asked you if we were still friends. sometimes it was yes and sometimes it was no. i was confused, hurt and sad. but, i still wanted your friendship and company.
and then in march, you went to party and spread dirt all over my reputaion. about how i needed to “grow up” how i was “overreacting” and “jealous”. you humiliated me in front of fifteen people and for why? WHAT DID I DO? where did i go wrong?
my best friend and i confronted you and you told her and i different stories. to her it was more trash talk about me and to me, it was another overrated apology. it seemed so genuine and words can’t explain the feeling i felt when you had done this to me again. you put me in this position. you ASSUMED i would forgive you and everything would go back to the way it was. i wailed. because i wanted to forgive you so bad. i wanted it to be over. i wanted this indecision to end because i thought this time you had changed. for real. i forgave you again.
and when you hurt me again? i couldn’t be surprised. this time there was no apology. there was no me chasing after you, in tears. i knew that this cycle of hurt had to end. it couldn’t go on like this. i was tired, overwhelmed and just done. i was done being used when convenient. i was done being lied to and i was done letting you in.
so when i asked one last time “are we still friends?” and you said no. that was it. i didn’t reply. i left you hanging. for the first time, i had the power in this relationship. even though i wanted you so so bad, i reserved myself. i wasn’t about to be hurt again.
and now, i’m learning to let go. i’m learning to let go of everything you destroyed. my self confidence, self dependancy. i don’t need you. i deserve better. and you will never get me again.
sincerely,
m

ACAB

America. You are the land of monsters. Your monsters carry badges, they have intimidating and awesome titles, they run this shit show. It’s time for change.

Your country, once perceived as amazing, is looking pretty shabby now. Run by giant toddlers with tantrums. Actually, that’s really rude to toddlers. More like rabid, syphalitic wild boar. Again, sorry wild boar…

I’m so tired of watching the news. How many black people are going to be slaughtered in the streets, for just being black? Getting shot 7 times IN THE BACK? Police destroying cameras and footage, what the actual fuck is going on, America??? Something in your water?

What makes me sick is I have always been a police sympathizer. Almost always refusing to believe they were bad, having to hear the other side of the story. Knowing full well of course A FEW were bad, but genuinely thinking most were awesome human beings trying to make their prospective communities a better place. HA! This last couple of months…. jesus christ. I have openly wept more times than I can count….

ACAB. Here’s the thing, I’m sure there are cops who went into it for the right reasons, there definitely are individuals who truly wanted to help, wanted to make the world a better place. The problem, ladies and Gentlemen, you cannot watch atrocity after atrocity, keep your mouth shut, look the other way, plug your ears, hum loudly AND STILL THINK YOU GET TO MAINTAIN A GOOD PERSON PARTICIPATION TROPHY!!! FUCK YOU!!!! Oh, but you’ll lose your job if you say anything??? Well fuck! Why didn’t you say so??? Find another fucking job, go work at Target. Might not be glamorous, or pay as much, but a lot less blood on your hands.

Physically remove that orange nightmare from that building. Start with that.

Stranger

I know better to contact you directly, so I leave this here. I hope you’re doing well, smiling more and happier. You’re free from the toxicity and I’m okay knowing you are better off. I’d say sorry but I know my words have lost all meaning to you. Don’t worry I won’t make this a habit leaving you messages this has been the only time I’ve written something related to you besides my last email. This will be my last time. Be at peace, live life, smile more and enjoy a happier life. Don’t look back the past is there for a reason, what’s done is done.

Unrequited

I can’t get the image out of my head. You on top of me, thrusting slow and hard, while staring into my eyes. I can hear your heavy breathing. I can feel your face cupped between my hands. I can taste your lips. My legs wrapped around you. It’s hard to believe that something so real is so impossible. That I will never be able to experience that with you.

Be well.

Three months without you and my brain can’t take it anymore. I can’t get you out of my head – not during my morning coffee, not during my quiet evenings, and certainly not while I sleep.

In these unlucky times, I feel so lucky to see you, feel you, and taste you in my dreams. Be well. I hope to see you so soon.

m e l t

sometimes, i feel
b r o
k e n
i n s
i d e

you leave shards of glass in places i hide.
i take them out carefully and wrap myself up.
but instead of walking the other way,
instead of moving on, facing another day…

i see your face, and i walk towards you.

i jog.

i fucking run.

i’m not d e s p e r a t e,
s t u p i d,
c o d e p e n d e n t,
s p i t e f u l.

you make me m
e
l
t

Dynamite

The saddest part is

I dont get to care. I am not allowed to rail at you and scream how embarrassing this is that you have so much more potential than you are showing. That i KNOW the kind of pain you are in. That i KNOW why you photoshop photos and lie and manipulate. That you segregate your friends so that lies are better hidden and smaller groups are easier to use.
You believe you will never be good enough. So this creation, which is bullshit, is your passport to world.
But i dont get to tell you that because your disease is so strong it only turns the truth into more cancer.
I dont get to tell you that you ARE enough. That the lies and games never ADD to your being, they subtract. You are selling yourself so short and giving power back to those that set you on this path.
I dont get to scream that you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen because you see only lies. I thought for a long time that i was the one of little faith but it is you.
No faith in love or goodness or yourself.
These are the reasons my heart breaks every single day. Living without you is easy. Living with the knowledge that your time is wasting away and you are in pain is infinitely harder.
But Im still praying and hoping.
“Let the angels go where you can not”

huh.

things can be easy.
we can live fast in the slow lane
things can be so, so easy
not complex, but happy and plain

you and i, me and you
against all obstacles, we’ll do what we gotta do

just listen and follow my voice
i’ll show you what you need,
you’ll always have a choice
but i’ll show you how to succeed
simple steps in the right direction
but i’m not always going to lead
you gotta show me some affection

i need to be loved in the right way,
not this “you vs me” type way
it’s us, together,
change your mentality
so no matter the situation,
we won’t weather
this isn’t just a fallacy
something that doesn’t exist
it’s real, true and deep,
something most people miss.

it comes down to the little things,
i keep saying that, I know
lil notes, random hugs,
at the end of every day,
love is what you need to show.

fuck the technicalities,
fuck the toxic behavior,
i want this shit for real,
growth is mandatory,
from both sides of the hanger

you hold me up,
and i’ll hold you down
when we come up,
we ‘ll see who is still around
cause if i got you,
and you got me,
it ain’t nothing else in this world i’m gon need.