j

dear j,
i’ve known you for three years and i’ll know you for even more to come. there is so much to our story and i need to say it all in order for me to let go of all the pain, sadness and joy you caused me.
you were my first love. the first person that made my heart giddy. you were the first person to make me shit myself mentally. we were young and i didn’t know better. you were just a guy who seemed to actually want to talk to me. it was so exciting to have some sort of romantic interest. we were great friends. we texted everyday, had inside jokes and so many good memories. because of you, i got out of my suicidal thoughts. the joy you caused me, saved me. and then, summer came along and we got out of school. i travelled that summer so we stopped talking for a bit but i knew we would bounce right back the second school starts up again.
and then we were in the same homeroom and you had the glow-up of the century that summer. i swear my jaw dropped when i saw how much you’d changed. unfortunately, we didn’t bounce right back. we were friends but you didn’t seem to have the same feelings for me. and for three months, i stayed friends with you, even though i knew i wanted more.
i remember on november first, i found out some heartbreaking news. through the year that i knew you, i was madly in love with you. i thought we were going somewhere but turns out, you didn’t care. turns out, i twisted myself inside out for you, just to figure out you lied about your feelings for me. apparently, i was just “experience”. you just wanted to see how far i would go for you. you wanted to bend me until i would break. and that night i did.
i remember trembling, shaking and just collapsing next to my doorframe. i had no words and my brain couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. i cried so hard that night. i replayed every smiling moment we had and realized that it was fake. your behaviour around me was fake. you were a stranger that i had fallen in love with. you were a stranger that i ripped myself apart for.
i deleted you out of my social life then. unadded you from every social media account. i wanted nothing to do with you. i was angry and hurt. it was my first heartbreak.
we still had to go to school together which meant i saw you everyday. we didn’t talk though. we didn’t interact at all. i never told you how that felt. when you broke it to me.
but then one day, our english teacher made a seating plan for us and we sat right next to each other. we couldn’t ignore each other anymore and we talked for the first time. we completely dismissed what happened two months ago. it was like a breath of fresh air and i know you felt it too. i know you missed me in your body language. your eyes lit up again. and just like that, we were friends again. we never even talked about what you had done to me. maybe you were embarrassed.
i knew that letting you in again would be a mistake but you, you were worth it. i told myself everyday that you had changed. i believed it!
i was wrong. a year had passed and we weren’t as close anymore. we were on good terms and then we weren’t. i can’t remember what it was but you hurt me. again. and i cried. again. there was so much going on in my life at that time. so much hurt from several different people and to top it off, you hurt me. you apologized. using desperate words to express “how much i meant to you”. i forgave you because you “had changed”.
throughout the year, you started to dislike me. always insulting me, not as a joke anymore. you yelled at me, dismissed me and talked shit about me. i thought you were being funny. but it wasn’t funny. what had gone wrong? what did i do?
i beat myself up about it for the whole time. i asked you if we were still friends. sometimes it was yes and sometimes it was no. i was confused, hurt and sad. but, i still wanted your friendship and company.
and then in march, you went to party and spread dirt all over my reputaion. about how i needed to “grow up” how i was “overreacting” and “jealous”. you humiliated me in front of fifteen people and for why? WHAT DID I DO? where did i go wrong?
my best friend and i confronted you and you told her and i different stories. to her it was more trash talk about me and to me, it was another overrated apology. it seemed so genuine and words can’t explain the feeling i felt when you had done this to me again. you put me in this position. you ASSUMED i would forgive you and everything would go back to the way it was. i wailed. because i wanted to forgive you so bad. i wanted it to be over. i wanted this indecision to end because i thought this time you had changed. for real. i forgave you again.
and when you hurt me again? i couldn’t be surprised. this time there was no apology. there was no me chasing after you, in tears. i knew that this cycle of hurt had to end. it couldn’t go on like this. i was tired, overwhelmed and just done. i was done being used when convenient. i was done being lied to and i was done letting you in.
so when i asked one last time “are we still friends?” and you said no. that was it. i didn’t reply. i left you hanging. for the first time, i had the power in this relationship. even though i wanted you so so bad, i reserved myself. i wasn’t about to be hurt again.
and now, i’m learning to let go. i’m learning to let go of everything you destroyed. my self confidence, self dependancy. i don’t need you. i deserve better. and you will never get me again.
sincerely,
m