Category: To You

Dear J,

You asked me a couple weeks ago if I still believed that one day we would end up together. I told you that I did not believe that any longer.

But I lied. I guess I thought that making me say that aloud would make me believe it, that I didn’t believe in us anymore. But the truth is, you are still the only person I imagine my life with. I have been seeing a few different people. Some I really liked and was smitten by. But at the end of the day, I still envision you. I made a promise to myself that I would stop believing you when you would say things like “I want to see you more, lets hang out more again” and “you’re my person” “I still love you,” etc. I know you mean well and I think you truly mean those things at the time but theres just something that makes you keep running away and for my own good, I’m going to just stop believing you. It’s not fair to me. I need to at least try to move on. I have already begun imagining my life without you. Possibly with someone else, or just on my own. I have goals and a lot I want with my life and I don’t need to end up with anyone even if I’d like to. But even after all of that, I still see you. I see you after you have figured your shit out. I see you remembering that we are meant to be. I see you loving me and our little girl. It’s probably not healthy–which is why I’m changing my perspective–but some days, my gut just won’t shut up about you. When I meditate and I’m completely not thinking of you, you somehow still pop up. Maybe this is just my brain and emotions messing with me and returning to old patterns. But maybe its not. Maybe we will end up together. So yes, I lied. I do still think that we will. I hope that you do too.

With my love always,
Jos

Hey,

It’s your birthday today. It’s been almost two years since we broke up and you’re happy with your partner and I’m happy with mine but there’s still something in me that makes me miss you. Maybe it’s because you’re the first person that I saw forever with and then you left me with a hole in my heart and even though I’ve moved on, it hurts when the wind blows through just right.

I feel wrong for even feeling this way. I’m engaged to someone else. You’re with someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m in love again to someone who can give me things that you couldn’t. You’re in love with someone else that can give you things that I couldn’t. But I woke up and pulled on the Warp Tour t-shirt you gave me and suddenly all those suppressed feelings came up. And now, I’m on this website before hopping onto a zoom lecture trying to understand why things are the way they are.

There are times where I wonder why. Why I dated you. Why I let myself love you. And then I think of the year 2018 and I think about how I couldn’t have gone through any of that alone. I begin to think that maybe that’s why you came into my life. That’s why I was so willing to lose your sister-in-law as a friend to flirt with you at her and your brother’s wedding. It’s not just that I think I couldn’t have gotten through it alone, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to. My fiancée makes fun of me sometimes because there is such an age difference between us, but that never mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I’d go back and relive every good and bad moment.

When we were in the midst of the initial break-up, you said something to me: you said, “if you really love me like you say you do, you’d let me go. You’d let me be happy.” I can’t ever say that I’m going to stop loving you, so I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re in a better place now.

Happy 21st birthday, I hope it’s great.

Love,
Your first ex-partner

Our site is back up! You probably won’t realize that but…I miss talking to you!
RH

I had trouble being happy long before I met you. Its not fair to blame you for that. But I want to be happy. I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy! And I want you to be happy too. Ideally, I’m a reason for that.

I know that, when I am most happy, it usually has something to do with you.

Just wanted to wish you the best on your birthday always thinking about you and miss you A LOT. Was hard to let you go but knowing your happier and dating others confirms my decision. Many blessings to you may your days be happier and full of laughter and joy.

I’m taking shots in the front line, but just knowing you are here, in my life…in my corner…

You make me feel safe.

You think I’m strong, but I’m nothing without you.

Thank you, Love. xx

I ran out of words and let go about this time last year. I hope that puts your mind at ease.

Congratulations, I guess. I wouldn’t want to wish you any ill will on your wedding day, and I won’t, but I need to write this for myself. I wish you chose me, but you didn’t. I wish you made it clear that this was never what I thought it was from the beginning, but you didn’t. I know you know what you were doing, but you acted like you didn’t. What I do know, deep down, is that it would have never worked. You wanted the proper good girl, the modest one, the normal one, the skinny one, the one who probably never drank or smoked a day in her life, the one who was mentally and emotionally stable. She’s probably all of the things I’m not. And that’s okay because I’m used to this. This is my life. You don’t know this but I can’t imagine being loved by someone, so I’m not really sure why I ever thought it could be you. I can’t say I’m surprised, yet for some reason my mind doesn’t seem to comprehend what my heart already knows. This is it for me. My life will never be filled with hearts and flowers and dates and romance. No. No that’s for those girls, the ones like her. I know in your eyes, I’m just me. I’m like your family, like one of the guys, but certainly not someone who needs support, not someone who would ever be vulnerable or needs help, or spends her nights crying herself to sleep. It’s sad that the girls who need it the most are the ones that never have that comfort, that support, arms to hold them when they’re sad, a shoulder to cry on. At least that’s been my experience. I don’t know why the same thing happens to me over and over again. What lesson God wants me to learn from a third instance of unrequited love, but whatever it is, it hurts. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But still, I wish you well. I hope you’re happy. I hope you have the life you envisioned for yourself, I hope you made the right choice. As for me, I pray that I don’t go through this again. I pray that one day someone will love me the way that I love them. I pray for some semblance of happiness. I pray most of all that I’ll get over this… you. I pray that I can see you with her and not feel such discomfort. Until then I’ll try to steer clear, for my own sanity if nothing else….

When you said “you’re not entitled to anything”, I wish I’d heard what you really meant, ‘I have nothing to offer….to you.’

I still have this neato thing called a “phone number” that you could message if you really gave a shit about knowing me.