Congratulations

Congratulations, I guess. I wouldn’t want to wish you any ill will on your wedding day, and I won’t, but I need to write this for myself. I wish you chose me, but you didn’t. I wish you made it clear that this was never what I thought it was from the beginning, but you didn’t. I know you know what you were doing, but you acted like you didn’t. What I do know, deep down, is that it would have never worked. You wanted the proper good girl, the modest one, the normal one, the skinny one, the one who probably never drank or smoked a day in her life, the one who was mentally and emotionally stable. She’s probably all of the things I’m not. And that’s okay because I’m used to this. This is my life. You don’t know this but I can’t imagine being loved by someone, so I’m not really sure why I ever thought it could be you. I can’t say I’m surprised, yet for some reason my mind doesn’t seem to comprehend what my heart already knows. This is it for me. My life will never be filled with hearts and flowers and dates and romance. No. No that’s for those girls, the ones like her. I know in your eyes, I’m just me. I’m like your family, like one of the guys, but certainly not someone who needs support, not someone who would ever be vulnerable or needs help, or spends her nights crying herself to sleep. It’s sad that the girls who need it the most are the ones that never have that comfort, that support, arms to hold them when they’re sad, a shoulder to cry on. At least that’s been my experience. I don’t know why the same thing happens to me over and over again. What lesson God wants me to learn from a third instance of unrequited love, but whatever it is, it hurts. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But still, I wish you well. I hope you’re happy. I hope you have the life you envisioned for yourself, I hope you made the right choice. As for me, I pray that I don’t go through this again. I pray that one day someone will love me the way that I love them. I pray for some semblance of happiness. I pray most of all that I’ll get over this… you. I pray that I can see you with her and not feel such discomfort. Until then I’ll try to steer clear, for my own sanity if nothing else….

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