I lied

Dear J,

You asked me a couple weeks ago if I still believed that one day we would end up together. I told you that I did not believe that any longer.

But I lied. I guess I thought that making me say that aloud would make me believe it, that I didn’t believe in us anymore. But the truth is, you are still the only person I imagine my life with. I have been seeing a few different people. Some I really liked and was smitten by. But at the end of the day, I still envision you. I made a promise to myself that I would stop believing you when you would say things like “I want to see you more, lets hang out more again” and “you’re my person” “I still love you,” etc. I know you mean well and I think you truly mean those things at the time but theres just something that makes you keep running away and for my own good, I’m going to just stop believing you. It’s not fair to me. I need to at least try to move on. I have already begun imagining my life without you. Possibly with someone else, or just on my own. I have goals and a lot I want with my life and I don’t need to end up with anyone even if I’d like to. But even after all of that, I still see you. I see you after you have figured your shit out. I see you remembering that we are meant to be. I see you loving me and our little girl. It’s probably not healthy–which is why I’m changing my perspective–but some days, my gut just won’t shut up about you. When I meditate and I’m completely not thinking of you, you somehow still pop up. Maybe this is just my brain and emotions messing with me and returning to old patterns. But maybe its not. Maybe we will end up together. So yes, I lied. I do still think that we will. I hope that you do too.

With my love always,

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