Now, all these years later, whats happening, pandemic, disaster, isolation, I think of you, I think of you and then I think fuck you and then I go on and later I think of you and I wonder if you’re okay, if you’re going to be okay, amongst everything else if i am not okay will the secrets be buried with me or with you? Is it over? Of course it is, and yet I think of you, and I wonder, do you think of me also? Now after all this time…am I the one you think about when youre sitting in your fainting chair drinking pink rabbits? I’m drinking ginger beer, I feel an overwhelming sense of doom…sometimes before, times before, I wondered who would outlive who and I’d joke to myself, sometimes in mockery, othertimes in anger, would I dance on your grave? But I’ve forgiven you since…we never spoke truly about what you did, about who did what, about what really happened…I was so unable to articulate then…I scrambled for words…but nothing covered it, not truly, thousands of words, some said, more written, nothing covered it, I loved you, I wanted to agree to you, to things that didn’t fit, I compromised when I said I wouldnt and then we pretended it was no compromise at all, like that song…losing my religion…that’s was me in the corner…in the spotlight losing my religion…every whisper every waking hour Im choosing my confessions, trying to keep and eye on you and I never knew if could do it, oh no I said too much, I haven’t said enough?

Did I set it up? Did we set ourselves up to fail?

I told you I loved you, but then I told you I didnt want to move forward, but then I didnt want you to leave, but I wanted to leave but then I didnt want to leave, like my subconscious was taking over in ways I could neither understand nor comprehend. Why couldnt I tell you in simple words? Why couldnt I keep it simple?

Why did you have to go so far? Why did we have to go so far?

We went so far…I remember gazing into each others eyes…I remember when I was cruel, I remember you on the edge of the bed ever so quietly saying words that sounded like “I love you”, but all I saw was a man hunched at the end of a bed, all I saw was someone who was appalled by his own confession and all I heard was “elephant you”….oh God…

I was so scared. I did everything I could to keep you at an arms length while pulling you towards me…was it just me? Did I imagine it?

Why do I still think of you? Do you still think of me?

We never had closure. Do you even understand the lines you crossed? Do you ever feel the weight of regret I have walked with?

Its so confusing trying to understand it all with clarity. I remember you screaming at me over the phone, so many words I know so well, my heart feels the same bang when I recite them in my mind, so many…

I think of you and then I have to bury it until I think of you again. It hurts too much to remember. I can only hope to hear something positive from you sometime, though its only in the hours like this I hope for such things…I don’t know if I’d even have the courage to respond…but there are things I’d like to know.

Were you the love of my life? You couldnt have been mine if I wasn’t yours?

Is there some connection that we still share, how could it be that I still hold the big ball of broken love alone? Perhaps I do…

I don’t think I ever let you know me, I’m the kind of deep roller that rolls so deep I make it look like I’m gliding above the surface, but thats a skill, no, you can’t have loved me, elephant you makes no sense, but I loved you so deeply it scared me into the masquerade, or perhaps I should have known that my fear was an indication of what was to come, perhaps it was. I guess its not possible you could feel what I feel now.

You’re just a ghost.

Miss u

Dear MB,
Missing u n thinking about u lot more than I should. Can’t get those clear blue eyes off my head. Sometimes I wonder if u felt the same intense pull I feel… Does ur heart light up too when u hear my name ? Then I say to self – even if the feelings resonated we would n could have done nothing.
Ah! Feeling hopeless n miserable.
Don’t want to loose what we‘ve got although you cannot loose someone u don’t have.
Miss u every moment of this living hell that I fee in am in without u around.

One and Only

Mr. ?

I have a million and one things I could say, but it always comes back to balance.
There was never any balance. Life with you is so heavily influenced with your insecurities and doubts there can never be any equality. Your partner, lover, friend, or one-night-stand all have to be so disproportionately below you how could anyone get close enough to even hold you, or kiss, or make-love all night long?
I don’t know if you believe me or not when I have said I can feel people, even when they are not near me. I have felt you from far away and still do, but it will fade with time because I have no purpose for caring anymore. (There are so many others that will be there for you, to care for you, to give you what you need). I will never apologize nor complain for my kindness, generosity, or empathetic qualities, for now I truly see what a blessing they are.
I have no intention of writing anymore, anywhere. Talking, communicating, or whatever it is you do, while online/on the computer is a perfect world for you. The coldness and distance fits. I have tried to find places where it could work for me, and it never ‘feels’ right, and I’m okay with that. I like touching and holding and feeling whomever I communicate with. We truly are in two different worlds, that can bump into each other, but never hold tight. One can never be a part of the other.
Therefore, it is time to go. I do not desire to be a part of your play, to be used again and again. That would be such a disrespect to myself and to where I came from. My soul . . . . . my soul kisses your soul, forever connected to a time that has passed.

Mrs. ?

Hopeful utterances

I am so used to being utterly crushed
Demolished, incinerated between the
Telling lines and the next hopeful gaze!
I am always hoping to stir my soul awake
Where watery eyes in fields of flowers
Are the permeating staple on the brain.
Where love circulates the room
and seeps into my tendons!
Days where grace and mercy hold my hands
And we no longer pray
Because my soul has been infused
With an everlasting loyalty
To see life’s doors open up finally
And the air become an inescapable relief.


How do you know what’s real and what’s fake? What is manipulation? What’s not? Was I supposed to know the difference? Were you the real you with me or a fake you so you could bed me? Did you waste a single second thinking of me? Did you ever care if I knew or were you working double time to distort the difference? What reality were you and how could you enforce that hell on me? It’s better to have never known love than to have known a kind of love, loved and lost. That much I know. I wish I had never met you but chances are you never blinked. A blimp on your radar. I’d trade it all to forget you. Some demons are walking on Earth. I’m sad that you cared more for your needs and put mine so beneath you. A fucking mirage. Closure is a myth. I wish I knew your thinking but that’s the difference. Clarity can be a reality. You worked so hard to keep me from it. Fuck you, from the bottom of my heart. I relish the day I can tell you that.

Last Place

Dear A,

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand exactly how I feel. The last few years have felt like I’ve been running a race waist deep in water while everyone else has the advantage of dry land. The truth is: I’ve always hovered over an infinite ocean. And there was always something or someone that kept me above the surface that maintained an even playing field. I was never truly out of the race.

A — You were my bridge. You kept me going; encouraged me in ways I could not find anywhere else. Hell, with you I even felt like I was winning most of the time. I was always ahead of the demons against whom I compete. I know you were bruised and broken most of the time, often quite literally. But we complemented each other so beautifully that our goals were never out of reach. You have saved my life countless times figuratively, and even once quite literally.

And then I had to fuck it all up, like I do with everything. I didn’t just burn the bridge that you were. Out of my own insecurities and twisted frames of mind, I planted explosives, detonated them, and then jumped overboard into that ocean you were protecting me from. I hurt you…. I broke you…. and then I made sure that I left no way of ever getting back to you. Even if you were able to be repaired and made whole again, which I am quite sure you were, I cannot reach you from the depths to which I descended. You are still a bridge — a beautiful, expansive bridge that can take you anywhere you want to go while I flounder here waist-deep in this ocean of despair, running a now-pointless race I have no hopes of ever finishing, let alone win.

It’s been a few years now since I destroyed the only relationship that truly kept me sane and made me feel worthwhile. I’ve fallen lower, so much lower than I’ve ever been before, even when you saved me from myself. And not a conscious hour goes by where I don’t think about you and what you meant to me. I’ve completely lost myself. The enemies in my mind are taking over and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I’ve been trying to just live life, take care of my family, and feel some semblance of importance or value, but ultimately I have none. You were the only one who understood me and how my mind worked. You were the only one from whom I had no secrets. I could speak openly with you without fear of judgment and you could provide actual emotional and mental support and stimulation. Even in my marriage — hell, especially in my marriage — I can’t even come close to the level of connection you provided.

I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I deserve none. I’m not asking for reconciliation or any sort of amends. You have your family to provide for and yourself to care for. I would only get in the way in all forms of being. But I am sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry for shutting you out, putting you down, and essentially demolishing our entire friendship that kept us both going. I was the epitome of an asshole, and even that phrase should be awarded “Understatement of the Century”. My heart is and will continue to be heavy with regret every waking moment for the rest of my days. The only reason I am still here is because of my daughter, and I fear one day even that may not be enough.

And if that time comes, you won’t be there to save me again.


The sum of the fractional limits

I’ve been thinking …

Why couldn’t you just love me? I didn’t need a romantic relationship. After awhile I just wanted to know that those with whom I once felt close still regarded me as a person who was valuable to them.

I’ve seen you out a few times now. When I do I disappear quickly. I don’t want any more awkward conversations about nothing when I know that I don’t fit into your life anymore. But, I am happy now. These really are just the trace echoes of irresolution that no longer holds much weight for me. She shored it up when she became the only person to genuinely care how I may have felt growing up alone, without much of a family to speak of. She isn’t an only child herself; she just gets me. It feels right in a way I can’t explain.

I’m not sure why it’s important to me that you know all of this.

Perhaps to clear the confusion.