Happy Birthday


It’s your birthday today. It’s been almost two years since we broke up and you’re happy with your partner and I’m happy with mine but there’s still something in me that makes me miss you. Maybe it’s because you’re the first person that I saw forever with and then you left me with a hole in my heart and even though I’ve moved on, it hurts when the wind blows through just right.

I feel wrong for even feeling this way. I’m engaged to someone else. You’re with someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m in love again to someone who can give me things that you couldn’t. You’re in love with someone else that can give you things that I couldn’t. But I woke up and pulled on the Warp Tour t-shirt you gave me and suddenly all those suppressed feelings came up. And now, I’m on this website before hopping onto a zoom lecture trying to understand why things are the way they are.

There are times where I wonder why. Why I dated you. Why I let myself love you. And then I think of the year 2018 and I think about how I couldn’t have gone through any of that alone. I begin to think that maybe that’s why you came into my life. That’s why I was so willing to lose your sister-in-law as a friend to flirt with you at her and your brother’s wedding. It’s not just that I think I couldn’t have gotten through it alone, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to. My fiancĂ©e makes fun of me sometimes because there is such an age difference between us, but that never mattered to me. It still doesn’t. I’d go back and relive every good and bad moment.

When we were in the midst of the initial break-up, you said something to me: you said, “if you really love me like you say you do, you’d let me go. You’d let me be happy.” I can’t ever say that I’m going to stop loving you, so I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re in a better place now.

Happy 21st birthday, I hope it’s great.

Your first ex-partner

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