Love is ridiculously hard

So I love someone, trouble is, that someone is not my partner.
And I have known for years I don’t love my partner, not how I should, I know that I should be happy when I see them, be pleased to be sat beside them, I should want to be with them, but for years I have known that yes I love them, like a best friend, like a family member-And we do have children.
But whilst for years I have just gone along, making them happy, I am not, and worse now, I want to be with someone else. Someone I think likes me too. I see a life there, one I would be happy with, but I am weak. How can I hurt the one I am with?
So my thoughts are this, first find out about the other person, if they do feel for me what I feel for them, not rush into anything, we have known each other months now, and still it is electric, we love being around each other, share interests, share the same humour, music, books, even movies.
We have shared secrets, what we have not shared is sex. Nor will we, for numerous reasons, if we were together of course yes, but my thought is, find out if the depth of emotion in me, is shared, spend more time to really learn more, be around each other and decide, do these feelings hold.
Now, if they say they like me but not that way, or not enough for a relationship, fine, move on remain just friends.
But, if they do want to be with me too, then what?
I can’t seriously destroy someone can I, but on the other hand, do I want to watch this other person accept we never will be, then go on to be with someone else and worse, as I work with them, have to see and hear about it, and know I could have been that person?
I am angry, angry at my own weakness, I should long ago have pulled off the band aid, said, we are not right, I can’t do it.
Am I so horrid that I want to love someone I do love properly and be loved by them, to build a life, be married to them?
But I feel so awful, to even think of leaving who I am with, to hurt them, yet this rages inside me, I cannot feel good, every day I want to come home to someone else, but I care for my partner so much that it sets an internal war going I don’t know how to move forward.
And yes, I think of the children, but they could manage, we are neither of us the type to hurt the other with using them, besides which, even if this other person doesn’t want me, should I now face up to life as it is, rip us apart and then at least be able to be with another person, or no one if that is fates path, but not feeling wrong every day?

Home

While everyone is asleep after s bout with Young Frankenstein I chew up some plump little hallucinagenic mushrooms for one night of solo indoor adventure .
I start the event with a good cuddle with my kitty in the dark before soaking up a warm shower, kind of marveling how the light made everything look a little iridescent, and imagining the shifting grays on the floor to form lavish scenes.

The living room is filled with holiday lights and gives me a warm glow to spend the rest of the evening in, alternating different workout activities with my video game and dusting a layer or two on a few paintings. The lights make the popcorn ceiling look like a school of fish battling a current and I contemplate different stages of my life and how I felt I navigated the personal challenges I faced.

It was a good night, I clicked out somewhere around 2:30 am.
31 still having fun.

The universe and it’s games

I feel like such a fuck up. A total failure. Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. When will it stop? When will the universe cut me some slack, instead of ripping the carpet out from me and laughing in my fucking face every time.

I think I am really attractive physically; I feel the need to say that to the readers so people can know that I do have a pretty good self esteem over all. I was laid off this year due to COVID-19, but I’m in grad school full time for clinical counseling and I am extremely good at practicing therapy. It’s my niche.

So tell me why, dear fucking universe, you have allowed me to experience so much pain. Rejection after mishap after rejection after mishap after rejection and so on and so on. It’s never ending. I pray, I learn, I am resilient, I practice meditation, I am mindful, sweet, dedicate my time toward helping others in any way I can, I love big, I persevere, yet… I can’t ever catch a fucking break. I’m tired.

I finally met a good man (my brother’s roommate/best friend) anddd he ended it because my brother was upset over it. He stopped answering my texts and I just don’t get it. People come in an out of our lives for a purpose and a lesson, but, I am so sick of people walking away and never being the one that gets chosen.

Maybe I just need to be a stone cold bitch in order for things to finally happen, because up until now I have gotten nowhere. At what point does becoming stubborn, mean, or rude outweigh kindness?? It makes no sense. Nice people finish last, but I am tired of being last.

How To Fight My Mind

I usually post some cryptic short story or a poem that only I’d understand on LINS. It’s easier that way because I can still hide behind the idea of misconceptions. Now I can’t. I fight my mind every day to remind myself that what I have is good. Like so many people, I have anxiety, OCD, and depression. The trinity of being controlled by your own mind. You see I was doing good. So good my doctor and I decided to take me of my meds. Maybe I could really get better at not controlling it but finding away to live with it. Things are great. That’s something right there. If I type that out I have to fight to believe that typing it won’t make it become untrue. It is crazy… maybe I’m crazy. Still it’s something that scares me. I put a system to everything and if I can’t get that VERY specific system correct then my world might implode or so I tell myself. I fail to complete my systems over and over to the point where I breakdown. I scream and want to cry, out of fear that screwing up the most mediocre of tasks will cause me to loose everything. There are words I try to say. Sayings that’s I say out loud to combat these systems and to convince myself that I won’t loose what and who I love most. (Typing that was something I feared like I mentioned earlier. Just referencing the idea of losing my love scares me.) The problem is these sayings become systems themselves. Negating the whole point. I try more and more things but in my head my life is not safe unless she’s there. If she’s talking to me or she’s just there spending time with me… then I have no fear. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her to be the only thing that can save me from myself. I need to be able to save me. Soon I’ll be going back to the doctors and I’m going to tell him that I’m not doing too hot. Hopefully we can get my meds back or find another way to help me with my mind. Till then I have to fight myself and my fear to make sure that the fear itself doesn’t become reality. I’m not sure why I’m typing this. I think it’s to reach out to others who feel just as trapped as I do sometimes. I think I just don’t want to be alone in my head and that if I know others are feeling like I do then we have hope that we will make it through.

Maybe

It’s from watching The Queen’s Gambit but I’m thinking of when I was twelve in Georgia and trying to commit suicide through mixing a cocktail of pills in my folks medicine cabinet and was then sick for days before changing the movie tone to Men in Black : International where I hear Liam Neeson’s High T repeating the concept that the universe has a tendency to lead you exactly where you need to be at the right time, and Chris Hemsworth’s character following up with except when it doesn’t.
I liked how that movie ended, lots of serendipitous events culminating in personal story development. Perhaps it got me thinking about the different ways I was enlightened or guided into sticking around.

Relief, my house is recovered of illness, and it is concluded the foot issue was caused by a small fracture. Theres a number of childrens toys I could probably deduce are potential culprits.

My mom later texts me to let me know a number of my family members in the isolated town of Rangely have caught the Rona, and while she hasn’t she’s postponing her visit to be sure.

Also in for info recieved for today, one of my girlfriends and her boyfriend Lev were hit by a car that drove off. A good samaritan grabbed the plates and while both of them are mostly okay Viera’s walking away with a tooth chipped to the nerve and the need to get hip xrays.

I dont know

If I have Covid 19, but I get reports a few people near my partner at work have tested positive.

Previous to this information I had a few rough days, pain in my chest when I would inhale, stuffy nose, so at throat and stranger still the bottom of my left foot covered in small painful blisters. My kid just has cold symptoms .

I’m not sure if my symptom manifestation could be psychosomatic, as intense as this year could be.. so we recluse ourselves but hold off on getting tested, as per my partners request, that is..until another positive test comes back fro. His co workers, closer to his shift. Even though my partner exhibits no symptoms, our kid being under almost a full week of stuffy noses, I suspect this might not be just a cold.

There’s not really a clear cut way to handle this right? Beyond the reasonable doubt is cast on testing facilities for inaccurate tests, even if I test positive what treatment can these almost full hospitals provide me when they’re focused on trying to keep the ones with more severe symptoms afloat. We wear our masks, we sanitize, and our income is balanced on our ability to strategize the best course of action.
Grateful grocery and restaurant delivery is offered here until we know.