i’m feeling overwhelmed asf.
too much to clean, too much to pay, too much to think about.
i’m fucking over trying to keep my full time job happy, myself happy, him happy, all at once during a pandemic while society is anything but falling a part.
worldly issues have me depressed on top of being depressed.
i’m not sure how to pause the cycle, nonetheless fucking stop it.
i miss my dad.
i miss my friends.
i miss my life.
i miss being a child, not worrying about where i’m going to find my next $20 to make ends meet.
i miss being a teenager, getting high with my favorite people surrounded by nothing but love and laughter.
i miss January of 2020, only 8 months ago but it feels like a lifetime.
I can’t help but wonder how it’s like for someone to point at you & say “this is my favorite person in the whole world”. To make you actually stand out of all their other close friends.
I never knew that feeling.
Yes I have best friends and yes I have people in my life who I know that they really care about me and want me to see me do well. But I can’t help but wonder if i will actually get to live the life i imagine in my own mind.
Like… you don’t get it I literally have a whole another “perfect” life inside my head that I want my real self to live. I’m this popular loved sweetheart that is always fun to be around and when she comes in the room , all heads turn around. She has these male friends that she’s super comfortable with (something the real me struggles with) , her & her friends always do these stupid challenges and travel around wherever they feel like going (thanks Vlog Squad for this:) )
She is a reeeeeal extrovert and she doesn’t mind letting everyone know what she wants. She’s a real flirt too.
I have this perfect scenario in my head that i do whatever i put my eye into. And when I get back to reality I’m just this insecure little nugget who doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there and whenever one of her friends show her a little bit of affection she gets weirded out by it. Because she can’t imagine for someone to actually give a f about her being. She’s so used to be there for people that when someone wants to be there for her , she pushes them away.
I can’t help but wonder if I will get to make it to be the brave independent girl in my own imaginary world.
I know i said ‘She’ a lot in this letter I’m sorry lol <3
It’s funny how your mind can make you feel so worthless
Today my family held a celebration of life for my uncle and great grandma in their passing. The ceremony was beautiful, a lot of family and friends attended. I stayed up late the night before trying to troubleshoot a projector issue for the presentation.
I genuinely enjoyed seeing my family members that are scattered all over the country, Iris enjoyed playing with her cousins and I reminisce how formative my interactions with my own were.
In the afterwards, we’re invited swimming my moms childhood friends daughters, the twins. I’d always known their mother had adopted them, but we referred to them all as family.
After we returned from swimming. Theres a few of my cousins and a stranger who I later learn is both my moms neighbor and the birth father of the twins. Hes already drunk when we arrive. Initially its jovial, I love you guys stuff, but quickly gets fuckin weird.
First off, he keeps aggressively looping into hate speech about black rioters and his tax money going to welfare. Hes aggressively calling me and my husband out of towner Democrats, when I was in fact born here and never brought up any political affiliations because it’s the day to grieve my gram gram and uncle. He’s also rudely saying my other cousins have man guns in when they come in, all the women present except myself take their hair down eventually during the prodding.
Things get darker when I feel like the remarks hes making to the twins are suggestive. I think my husband must think the same thing because he pulls me aside for a herbal calm down and shot because he cant deal with this guy without drinking, he drinks himself sick, hes apologizing but he makes a few clawbacks at this guy that are of appropriate note.
The twins are sent to walk the guy back to his home, which I’m a little why at but they return a short while later saying he passed out in the hall. His wife who had joined us at this point, and the twins adopted mother are all trying to give some dialogue on how hes normally not like this, and hes not a racist at all and would help anyone.
I’m sad, but the twins are sweet, their camping out with my daughter in the back yard and eating smores.
Tired of riding against windmills
I give up
Maybe just for today
Maybe for good ..
Who cares, really cares
All I ever wanted to be
and I am not
I just had to be
What if hell on earth is just hell? I hope that death equals feeling nothing anymore. In this case there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I am 17 years old and i feel like i haven’t experienced life at its fullest yet.
I don’t know the feeling of another human being , loving me that much that i actually return it.
I don’t have the career i’m seeking right now and i’m stressed that i won’t make it sooner than i planned to.
I know i am the problem , but i wish someone knew that and still decided that i was worth staying around for and help me fix myself.
I just want to be appreciated and validated.
This life was just a failed experiment i guess.
I’ve decided that it finally was the time for me to talk about myself and my feelings. As you know I’m a really closed person and I don’t like to share my emotions, but I think I really need to exteriorize everything. I’m tired of always feeling lonely, even if i’m surrounded by people, like my family or my friends but I feel like no one really understands me. I’ve started to kinda isolate myself, always locked in my bedroom with my music. This is how I like it, calm and peaceful, no one there to disturb me. Why have I started to be like that ? Well because I can’t stand my family’s problems anymore. There’s always something wrong, I don’t have a good relation with my father, he’s never told me “I love you” and neither do I. I’ve always had a good relation with my mom, but since a few months it’s not the same anymore, I don’t know why. And my brothers, always there to talk behind my back with my mom when i”m not around. They don’t even know that I always hear their conversations. Anyways, I’m just tired of all of that, I want to leave the house, be independent and maybe have a new start. I’m tired of not being understood, and I don’t even know who I could share my feelings with, I don’t really trust a lot of people and I’m always afraid of being judged about that. I didn’t even talk about a third of what I feel, and why in this letter but I guess it’s just a start. I’m sorry if i’m just complaining here, but as I said it before, no one knows about how i am, no one really asks and even when they do I lie. It’s the first website i’ve found to write something anonymously, so there I am. Oh and by the way sorry if my english isn’t really perfect, I’m French.
Thank you for reading everything if you did, and have a great and happy life, I hope 🙂
For as long as I can remember, I have always wondered if the possibility of getting married and having a family would ever happen for me. Lately, I feel that possibility is very much in my favor. This pandemic has allowed me to take the time and truly reflect on what is important and what I want. Usually, when I write here, I post about you or you.
Today, however, that will be different. I feel different too. I feel optimistic and spiritually connected to the signs I have been getting. Signs you have introduced to me to the spiritual and god-like messages from Pastor Michael Todd on his ideologies around relationship goals. You have also introduced me to randomly viewing Chachi Gonzales’ youtube channel and really looking “what healthy relationships” and being loved correctly looks like. It was genuine, heartfelt, and made me feel very excited when it’s my turn. Now I know for anyone reading this, may say…well that’s youtube and social media. That’s not real life. However, it was enough to get me to change my mood and look forward to the future.
For a long time, I was concerned with finding the right one and having a family. Spiritually you told me that I have to work on myself first to obtain all the things I want. I finally understand.
I am ready to receive the messages and reach the trajectory I meant for. I am ready to put everything into action.