Category: Thoughts

Whenever he follows someone new I start getting anxious and wonder why?
Does he talk to them? Why else would he follow them
Does he find them attractive? It won’t ever stop
Why does he follow new people, why does he talk to new people

I envy that. I want to talk to new people, I want to do new things but I don’t have any particular goal in mind.

I wish he told me about the endeavors he’s pursuing. I don’t want to be kept in the dark. I also wish he told me about where he goes and who he goes with. Because I wonder if he’s hiding something or someone.
I guess that’s what bothered me the most today.

I also wish I could stop being so obsessive over him. I get that it’s healthy but only to a certain level. I don’t want to worry about every little thing that he does.
Especially when I love him more than he loves me.

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry that I’m not the briliant son you expected me to be. The burden of you being so successfull makes any of my achievments look miniscular. All of my achievements will never be as bright as yours when you were my age. All of my Ideas no matter how brilliant they are they will seem childlike and you will be on point to tell me what negative aspects they have blocking out all of the positive outcomes they can achieve. In my Early 30s you only remind me every day that i was prepared to be successful and not land lowpaying jobs and be a failure. My 2 businesses have grown exponentially since i started them 3 years ago, but to you they are only merchandise in boxes filling up a room and you can’t wait for me to throw them out and land an office job like all of your friends offspring have. Every time we try to talk about any random subject it all ends in the same speech: grow up, search for a good paying job, leave behind those business you made and get a 9-5 like everyone else does, and if you dont like the way im talking to you, you are more than welcomed to leave the house. I wish for once you heard my ideals, know why im doing things the way i am and not end everything in cons about what im doing and how i will be unsuccessful and everything im working towards will reach a dead end. i really liked how when in my early adulthood friends were over and you treated them how i wanted to be treated, you listened to them and talked to them about subjects we never talked about. for a brief moment i heard a dad that i wish i had that listened to those subjects and had a postive thing to comment. i love you and im sorry i did not accomplish everything you intended for me to accomplish by this age. I hope one day when I become succesful in your eyes, you see and understand why im taking the route i currently am.

Love,
Your Son.

Next month it will be ten years since I walked into that store you worked at. That moment is seared in my mind, you in light wash jeans, and your hair black as your t-shirt. There was no denying the sexual chemistry between us. You came out that night to meet with our mutual friend. We kissed that night outside the bar and the following night I was lying naked in your apartment. You were only the second guy I had slept with. We went on to date for 3 months before you sent me a text ending it all. But not really because we kept sleeping together for at least another month.

There wasn’t anything special about our time together. You weren’t some great love that I can’t get over. We barley had a title to our relationship. We mostly hung at your apartment and slept together. But now you keep popping back up and I can’t seem to hold you in my past. You married a woman I have a mutual friend of and your wife’s sister works in my new office.

Sometimes I wonder if your wife knows everything I do or if she just knows the new you. The you that apparently found god. The you that’s married with a baby. Does she know that during a 5 year relationship you had a 3 year affair? Does she know you used to slept with a heroin addict? Does she know how many women you laid with before you got in her bed? Because I know all these things. I know how you lost your virginity. I know your mom had you dad go to jail for not paying child support. I know you were there when your brother cheated on this wife.

Maybe it’s just because now there are daily reminders that I keep thinking of you and our time together. I remember going to your stepdads retirement party and you fucking me on your kitchen table afterwards. I remember our last night in your apartment before you broke up with me, it was almost Christmas and we exchanged gifts.

Maybe it’s the shame from that time I can’t let go of. I didn’t tell anyone we were together. You were 7 yrs older and going no where in life.

But now we live in the same suburb. I’m married to a different man, a better man, a better lover. Someone that knows every hope, dream and fear my body holds. Someone I’ve built a life with. Someone I met 3 months after you.

I hope in writing this out you leave my mind. I hope if I ever run into you I can pass you without a second thought. Because I truly want to be done. You ended it then and I wasn’t ready. But now I’m choosing to let go of the things I wish I didn’t put up with… you.

I don’t know why you appeared in my dream last night. It was weird and I was worried about you.

Can the universe give me a break or a bouquet of flowers for Christ’s sake?

Or tell me their sorry, and actually mean it?

Why am I always left bleeding, profusely apologizing for

Bringing love notes to their murder mystery party?

When will I get the invite for a brave New, Extraterrestrial world?

Come help me learn this new dawn.

The colors are striking, and purpose is forming.

Three little words are unveiling.

The slogan is “keep soft even when the rest of the world is difficult to love.”

I am proud kindness grazes my lips.

I remember someone use to call it a weakness but they became a hard husk of who they were.

Life will keep beating you down.

Keep soft. Looks at sunrises when it’s too hard.

Look at how astounding the sky reaches on bleak days

Singing “I am limitless and so are you!”

I think it’s already been a week since I started talking with my friends again. I guess it’s not as bad as I thought. We even planned on making a film about friendship last week. And that’s when I realized that all of us has a burden of our own. I may not know what kind of burden my friends have, but I sincerely hope and pray that my friends will all live a happy and carefree life. I know that just like me, they also once felt left out in the group. They may not see my love for them, but I hope they can feel how much I care for each of them. I hope that they can find their way out of the darkness during tough times. And I wish that there is at least one person by their side when they feel like the world is turning against them. In this time of our youth, where future is always uncertain, I hope that whenever I remember this moment, I can always look back with a smile on my face.
–Zn

She passed away a few days ago. My mom called to deliver the news .On Facebook the pictures on my cousins page radiated beautiful smiling faces and our dearly departed elderly, the news mom delivered to me over the years regarding her had been sad to put it lightly.She struggled with addiction and alcoholism, but was a mother of a few beautiful children. My mom when last she had brought my cousin up , had said the kids had been taken away by court order and from what was describedto me, there was child endangerment involved. Sometimes I wondered why mom told me, maybe she wanted me to reach out? Or maybe she was just relieved I chose to step away from my own extreme vices.

There was a considerable age gap between me and the rest of my cousins by about ten years give or take a few, and the distance that rests in between all of us could make it challenging for keeping updated on the dailies in each others lives.

The last messages I sent to Tracy were awhile ago, I had told her that I ran into a friend of hers getting a ride to the airport, and funnily enough my husband’s friend and coworker.

I think maybe I’ll always feel like I should have gotten in touch more. Our family is just so big, it’s mostly holidays, events, and the biannual family reunions that I get the change to reconnect.
I think I would have rather liked hearing about her finding a better space of being for herself instead, I would have liked that, it would have been better for the kids.
Can’t force a person to make healthier choices for themselves, but when they’re gone the loss feels unreal, a bad joke, and resolutions that never arrived.

I know I will hear them again tonight;

This parade of filth rummaging through my auditory nerves.

It is the longest battle of my life

Trying to separate the monster making riddles

And having a soundless sleep.

Tell me what do you do when your demons are asking the jamboree

To tell lies in close proximity?

For me, I weep and make art collages and vision boards.

We do dancing on Sundays and whenever they are heard a smidgen more,

We remember smiley boys and where sunrises were born.

30 more senseless minutes left,

All to voyage home to the empty basin

With a roof and shutters that I turn down everytime

I am there.

I keep searching for home in dark bars,

Cubicles, sunrises, lover’s mouths,

Fruitful landscapes, sensual touches and

Disposable memories.

Home is a state of mind

And I have gone bonkers

Trying to solve the last puzzle piece.