Depressed

I am so done with this quarantine.

I have no doubt that it has saved lives and greatly flattened the curve, at least where I am at, but it is driving me insane.

I feel stifled, suffocated and worthless. I know my worth is inherent, blah, blah, blah…. But when you cannot do the things you love to do, when you cannot express yourself the way you long to express yourself… When you trapped inside a home, a cage of your own making, with nothing but a toddler and husband for company…. You start to go insane.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my son- more than anything- which is why I continue to abide by these goddamn rules that are squashing my individuality and killing my soul.

You see, my responsibilities did not stop just because a virus decided to announce itself… And yes, I am stating that it is a virus that is ending our lives as we know it, not human beings or political leanings (although some leaders are more effective than others). The virus is NOT going away- and the world does NOT stop simply because there is a pandemic.

I am dealing with tragedies everyday. I am burdened with human suffering of those around me, with no where to escape. I cannot outrun my responsibilities. I am sick of paying the price for the rich to sit in their goddamn palaces and tell us all to stay inside. I have bills to pay. I need freedom to be able to pay them. Yes, some will die, but that is inevitable. And unless we decide to tax the goddamn billionaires who are profiting off of this plague and create universal income, alleviate debt and institute free health care- we have little choice in dealing with the ultimate outcome of this plague- death.

I sound so pessimistic, but I am also a realist. The only way out of this virus is going through it…

As for the tracking and testing- great, that gives us data, but it is a false solution becaue we live in a capatilist society that will go bankrupt if we close down the cities each time their is a spike in cases- and don’t fool yourselves. it will happen over and over again, until we reach herd immunity or a vaccine is developed. Herd immunity WILL happen first.

So fuck it all. Open it back up. And let people make their own choices to stay inside or face death by venturing out. Freedom of will. That is all I want.

I forgive myself completely

You always elude me

Even in daydreams .

I need softer kisses with

Lips flushed and cheeks blushed

And your name on my tongue

Finally being sputtered out

And your voice among the sound waves.

But you often elude me

Except in nightmares

Where I am reminded

Of the monster

Inside me.

But there is a new trend

I am learning

New perspective

New mountainsides

As I give out a battle cry

I decide

My head will be

A temple,

My forgiving

Heart its holy land.

Your name will

Not provide guilt

Any longer.

I will write the verses

Of my own bible

And learn to forgive myself

Completely.

My senior year of college

So I graduated from college with my Bachelors degree in painting, 3 years ago. But my senior year of college was literally the worst. I got kicked out of my apartment on campus, I was Cat called, I witnessed a stalking case that took place, and this dipshit blamed me for his own depressive episode which ended in a suicide attempt. I tell you it was the worst year of my life, unless you count my freshmen year of college where I just went through shitty room mates. But despite all this, people payed me random acts of kindness’s and I actually managed to graduate. But that year really was shitty. My younger brother just got accepted to colleges and I’m really hoping for his sake that his years at college aren’t so bad.

Mortality

With the present situation
I become more aware
of my own mortality
human live
time so precious
how fast it few by

I am not really scared
if my time shall come
so be it
no regrets

In moments like this
I think of you, too
Would you even know
if I were gone?
If so, what would your thoughts be?

What if you were first to go
I’d find out by some media
wow, just now i feel this ache
and I won’t even go there

Guess it doesn’t matter
it matters what we do while
still being able to breathe

What silly thoughts I’m having..
time to divert and numb them
with some Comedy on Flix