Category: Thoughts

I was working in the kitchen when daddy came in. I was spicing the meats and forming the patties. We were going to have a hamburger lunch. Me and my mom and my daddy all together eating burgers. That was the plan. Well daddy came over and he looked at me right in the eyes and without saying a word he leaned over and pushed his dirty kunkels into the meat patties and crushed them. Then he called my mom over and pointed at the ruined patties and said “oh look, honey, our boy is a genius” in a real sarcastic voice. I tried to explain that those were my daddy’s kunkel prints in the meat patties but no one believed me even though his kunkels are much bigger than mine.

What is a colored person? Just a human being. We’re all colored. Differently and beautifully!

If you’re happy with the result, enjoy. Whatever was necessary, I didn’t get it.

All I want is a baby. A beautiful bundle of joy. I’d take it into the local park and show it how beautiful nature is. I’d expose it to every new experience a baby should have. I can teach it how to stand, how to walk, how to read. I’ll play silly games (with educational purposes) til it passes out from exhaustion. I can watch baby shows ad nauseum and giggle alongside. I’ll always be understanding; babies don’t understand much, so yelling or being mean serves no purpose. We can go shopping, and pick out whatever cute baby clothes my baby wants. Pancakes every morning. Juice boxes on command. All the problems in the world, they don’t affect babies. They’re just happy and silly no matter what. My own life, no one cares, not even me. But that little baby, I can put everything I have into supporting it and showing it the best ways as best I can. Babies are the ultimate form of human life, it just goes downhill from there. And I want one. That’s all I want.

I miss the old me. I miss myself. I miss who I truly am. I never thought that my joy and hope for life would be stripped so easily from me. I thought I was strong. I don’t know if I can look past this. I hope someday I can find my centre again but for now I am just a broken compass.

He just stands there, the man from church. The last time we saw each other he almost said something to me. But he always stands there. Looking. Quiet. Small smile on his face. Like does he like me or not. Is he married or not. If he is I won’t mess with him because I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. Yes, I like him but the way he’s acting makes me feel unloved and unwanted. I mean why can’t a decent guy just act normal around me without making me anxious as to whether am I delusional or not about him. Like I get being shy or extremely shy but it does a weird number on a girl when you never know if the guy is interested or not or whether married or not. It hurts a lot to have a guy act like that around you only to find out he has someone in his life. Like what the hell, I don’t need this. But he just stands there, looking, quiet, small smile on his face. Will he ever speak to me, if not it means that he was just playing with my feelings and he has someone in his life but just wants to see if he can still fish in the sea. Mxm, very frustrating. Still, he just stands there, looking, quiet with a small smile on his face.

Recently I was in the middle of a binge on Squid Game with my husband after a large amount of our circle of friends hopped on that visual entertainment train. Occasionally I like to pick a character from what I’m watching to do an art study with. This time I chose player 001, the old man with the brain tumor and I used a still from the marble episode Gganbu (best friends).
The timing was unfortunate on my part. I showed it to my girlfriend hidden in the comments of a Squid Games meme she posted , only to find out the next morning that one of her best friends , a young mother and wife that had been battling a brain tumor for years passed away within hours of this exchange.

I think of Sae-Beok and Ji-Yeong and I’m crying.

Mom started reliving the event where she was stuck at JFK in conversation.
Almost out of nowhere just strange because that same morning I thought about you deeply.
Lots has changed since back when.
Listening to her stirred my own set of memories. The only time obvious you stepped out of your comfort zone. Yet it didn’t seem a bother to you at all, it felt as if this was a natural reaction. No big deal to you just showing you care. Or so you made it seem.
Putting all other circumstances around it at the time aside and other situations you failed over the years thereafter.
Your heart is beautiful if you let it and this man I had the fortune to get to know, in so many beautiful moments,
is the one I will always love!
Maybe one day, Lady Fortuna will send me one just like that to be by my side to ring out the rest of this crazy life.
If not, I’m fortunate enough to have a heart full of beautiful memories of how things could be without having to settle for less. I haven’t, I won’t.

I don’t trust any male friend anymore. This is why I only have female friends.

Pain is what I feel. Pain so mind numbing I wish for death for it to stop. Pain as I cry for the love I lost. Pain in the knowledge that the one I loved saw no worth in me to fight for. Pain that I am here and he is there. Mind numbing pain that I was a fool. Pain that he is with another and a child they have been blessed with. Pride brimming in his very veins for the gift that the heavens have blessed him with. A baby, a beautiful baby boy. I remember my prayers of before, my lamentations for the thing I so longed for. Scared and doubtful I reached out but my fear overtook my senses sending me running away from the one whom I thought was my answer. Alas I came up wanting. What is it about me loving were I am not loved. Needing were I am not needed. Giving were nothing is given back. What is this cross I bear. None have cried for me. None have needed me. None have seen me worthg to stick around with. None have wanted to help break the walls that so ruthlessly keep me prisoner. Mind numbing pain at my failure for love. Mind numbing pain for loving that which does not love me. Mind numbing pain for seeking that which does not seek me. Mind numbing pain for needing that which does not need me. Mind numbing pain for praying for that which does not pray for me. UMind numbing pain. Is this my lot, this pain I so bear. Tears trickling down my cheeks I ask myself what is the use of life if one cannot attain that which brings life to everything, which is love. For without love all is in vain. All is for nothing. For love is life. Love is purpose. Love is grace.

#womanwalksalone