Author: Anonymous

How am I still in shock from you having cancer? It’s been three years since you died, and I still can’t manage to move past it, but that’s alright, because there’s no time limit on when to stop grieving. I would feel insulted if anyone expected me to move on from it. And so what if I can’t? I don’t have to answer to anyone for taking the time to grieve about you dying. Plus the fact that you were my fiance, that is what makes it that bit extra tougher to recover from. Everything happened too fast in year 2018. You’d only passed away four months before it was year 2018. I remember not wanting there to be a new year, because I wanted year 2017 to stick around, as that was the year that you passed away. Everything happened too fast in year 2018. I didn’t really get much time to grieve about you properly in 2018, because all sorts of other nightmare things were going on
Things that I should have stayed away from, when I look back on year 2018. I actually don’t want to remember any of that. It doesn’t signify to me as any importance. I was always, and still am quite reluctant to ever have another “Happy” new year. I’m not sure about anything in life anymore. But then, why would I be? Not many people my age, lose a life partner to death. I was only age 36 when you died. I don’t have any idea as to how anyone at that young age would even begin to move on.

Dear P,

I don’t think you still care about our relationship that much, so it wouldn’t matter anyway if I ever decide to move on with a different lad. And I will find another lad to move on with. I always do. You shouldn’t stop me from being with another lad, because that’s my human right, and if you aren’t showing how committed you are, then I might aswell give up all hope for us, and get with a lad who truly deserves me, as much as I deserve him. Obviously, I’m not so sure who that is but I’m sure whoever it becomes, he will show up in time. I don’t say this lightly. I can’t even be that sure that you’re that interested these days, so this is why I’m going to go my own way. Finding love isn’t everything, and it’s not all there is to life, but if I can find a lad who I know deserves me, then I’m sure that eventually I will find this special person. This is a friendly way of telling you to move on, and to let me be with a lad who truly wants me. I’m only human.

We can fly into a lavender sky,
Just two love birds…
You showed me the light, see
You showed how it’s supposed to be
I love it when you’re close to me
You need to know, need to know , need to know it’s me…
Just feel the love, feel the love through the poetry.

M:

…I feel a need to get this energy out there, even though you will never see this. I got carried away and told you something I can’t stand by, but I can’t tell you because it won’t make a difference on what reality is. I’ve locked all the doors behind me and am better off. I want to keep my head clear. Talking to you about anything at this point is not wise.

I forgive you, I want you to be happy, but I – this is hard to say. I would hate saying this to anyone. It’s probably unnecessary to ever say it directly. It’s one of those things you can do without announcing, and things will take care of itself, so no need to hurt feelings.

But this is it. I don’t want to be your friend or anything else in the future.

There are things about you that you will never change. And those things are, to me, disrespectful. There’s a history of disrespect. There were some pretty big things that happened that made me realize… never again.

You showed genuine remorse. I don’t doubt that. It always came way later than it reasonably should have. But since you seemed, and still seem, to disagree that you were wrong on one very important issue. That you were justified back then and free to say or do whatever served you and I should have just understood. There is also this misunderstanding that I could still secretly have feelings I don’t, because you took my feelings for granted, or that I would ever be able to continue to like someone in that way who did that to me. Because of those things, it’s uncomfortable for me.

I realized I would always end up feeling used in some way. That’s the problem. That’s why my interest in anything is gone and has been since before I even realized.

I think you may have had the wrong idea that because I had feelings like any person would in the circumstances which you contributed to, or needed reasonable things from you in that case, you were in a position to “accept or reject” me or compare / juggle me with some other person who you always had to emphasize you cared about more, that something you said regarding my value would have an impact on any of my life choices. That wasn’t true at all. Those things really had the effect of removing feelings I had, permanently.

Since when trying to be nice to me after all that, or showing that however you messed up before is somehow not related to what I know it is, you also often contradicted yourself and were in the same sentence as telling me how great I am, always alluding to what I know was wrong that you did not think was wrong, and are, probably despite yourself, showing more disrespect for me.

The thing that is also uncomfortable, I know you didn’t tell me things, and you never made it right. You can’t be sorry but not tell the whole story. You can’t be sorry and not take things back.

I know a lot of things you don’t realize I know. Like who it was. Things you tried to keep me in the dark about that the universe handed me at the right times, in mysterious ways. For a time I waited for a demonstration of change that never came. Definitely too long, and wasted energy on my part. I gave up long ago. Talking to you has always stressed me out.

Because your mindset about all these things is so not in line with how I do things. I don’t need that. I don’t want even a friend who thinks they are in some position to pick and choose among the people they meet, or decide whether another person or that is interesting, or boring, or attractive, and comment on it, overlooking that I may not even like that, because I know that when someone talks to you like that about others they are talking or thinking about you behind your back in that way too. That they are somehow higher than you.

And with relationships, I don’t think finding someone is about checking boxes or just finding whoever because it’s more about convenience. I don’t like that kind of thing. It doesn’t go along with the way I want to see or treat others.

I don’t like situations of vagueness where someone creates mental confusion. I naturally move away. I like it where there is clarity and trust. Equality and respect.

I don’t have any bad energy towards you. I just want to be separate and leave it in my past. I gave you other, easier reasons to keep you from feeling worse.

I didn’t want to hear from you anymore because I knew by then I would never be able to go backwards with what I know. I would never be able to see you coming around for anything besides a temporary reaction in your life due to some “lack” you were feeling in the moment. As it always was.

If you think you have any feelings for me or ideas that I would be okay with something later, which I admit would be partly my fault, being too nice. But as I said anyway, you need to move on. It does no good to hold on to ideas that are unrealistic.

I’m not the right person for you, not able to be a friend anymore. I know that is right, because enabling you or going against the insight I gained would never be good.

M

I’m outside the school with my husband waiting for the kids to file out for pickup. There are a few other parents about and the high schoolers trickle out from the school across the street.

Suddenly there’s this loud rapid clicking sound behind us, I turn around to see a young Hispanic looking boy hanging out of the backseat of a car passing by, aiming a large paintball gun at another group of high schoolers that had just crossed the street. It’s empty and no one is hurt but the threat of intimidation is clear. The group of kids being aimed at, when they realize what is happening, pick up the pace to get away .

Glad I wasn’t alone to witness this one, very often when I’m relaying things I’ve seen to my husband I feel like the seriousness of it gets diluted because he doesn’t see it for himself . Does that mean we can do anything about it? Not really, but if those kids recognized the instigator they could. Maybe I can email the school but I’m not sure that will accomplish much with the little description of the incident I can provide.

I’m trying not to let this shut me down to the outside world. My kids been wanting to do ballet so I got her enrolled in some after school classes. She loved the first lesson and I look forward to seeing her first performance. Later in the year they’ll be putting on shows at a few local nursing homes and I think of how my late great gram gram would have loved that. I was in gymnastics myself in my youth and even won a few medals, I found the experiences to be both rewarding and a force to rip me out of my fear of presenting in front of my peers.

It really isn’t all about you. There are a billion other people on this planet. Why do you act so spoilt rotten? It’s not going to come across well to a lot of people. There is more to life. You could start earning people’s respect, by not behaving as if your entitled to the world and it’s exclusive kingdoms that no-one can even get into without some magical key. I don’t know anyone who behaves quite as entitled as you do. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, and accept that the whole world and it’s axis, doesn’t revolve around YOU and only YOU. Jmho, but I think that your parents didn’t give you enough attention or love. That can’t have been very nice for you. Yet please don’t take it out on the rest of the world. You’re just making yourself look stupid and ignorant.

Hey love,
Its been awhile since I last wrote on here but here I am. Its been 8 years since we’ve last connected and you told me you were getting back with you ex.

My birthday was this past week and you reached out mom to inquire if I was married? When she told you no, you told her a brief update about your life. I know you and I know you wanted me to know that. I appreciate the birthday shoutout. But I wonder if its genuine, considering you are no longer with you wife. Not sure what happened but I wonder what you think of you now.

To be honest, I miss you and was hoping you would reach out to give a birthday shoutout. Funny thing is you haven’t notice that I unblocked you over a year ago and you could have just wrote to me indirectly.

One day, you might need me more than ever before, but right now, why would you even bother believing that in the present? Believe this, I’m older than you, so I’m WAY more experienced in life. I’ve been that girl who managed to escape from a bad guy, who i used to be in a relationship with. Not because other people were telling me to leave him, but because I could see right through him MYSELF. In his actions and the way he said certain things. Deep down in my gut instinct, I knew really that he was too much trouble to stay in the relationship with. Just because I was once engaged to him, it didn’t mean that I should have felt obliged to go ahead and marry him. It also didn’t mean that I had to stay in the relationship. I have my own mind as much as anyone else does. I can also choose who to be with for the long-term, just as much as anyone else can. Please don’t stay in a bad relationship just because it pleases the other person in the relationship. It won’t do your sanity any good in the long-term. Just because you haven’t found a man more deserving of having you, yet, it doesn’t mean that you won’t find him ever. It takes patience. And if you do want children with a man, somewhere down the line, just make sure that he is wise, and has a sensible head on him. No more of the street gang crap. I think you know YOURSELF deep down, that some rapper street gang member isn’t really want you want. Also, just because you might have a crush on a guy, it doesn’t mean that he is the right one for you. Love is very different to just having a crush on someone. Please don’t be sucked in and manipulated and used by men from street gangs anymore. It won’t do you any good.