Author: Anonymous

You lied

Dear John,

I feel fucked up from this. You fucked me up. You spun me around in circles and went back on everything you said. You said you wanted to be with me but I just had to wait until you got your financial shit in order. You asked me to be patient. You asked me to be compassionate to your situation. But what about me? What did you do for me in this period. Absofuckinglutely nothing. I hated how much you said I was a priority to you because that was a lie.

I hate that you said your ex wasn’t an issue when she was. Even if you didn’t have feelings for her anymore, saying you’re not ready for a relationship, when you initially said you were multiple times, fucking hurts. Canceling our trip fucking hurt. I knew this was going to happen. I knew we should have never booked something so premature in our relationship. And the night after we ended, I didn’t cancel anything hoping that you would realize what an idiot you were being. But you did cancel everything. And then you texted me and asked to let you know when I sent you the money for the things I booked. I hate that you did this to me. I hate that you wasted my time and made me believe that this would work out. I dreamed about our future together. I dreamed about us moving in, I dreamed about us creating a strong partnership together. But I guess that’s why it was all dreams. I want you to be the person you showed me at the beginning. But that person isn’t real. It’s John on his best behavior. It’s the John trying to pretend he’s not a mess and a terrible communicator, Johnn. I miss the beginning and I miss you. I miss us, but I know this won’t work.

IDK why this hurts so much but it does. It really fucking does, and I really miss you, but I can’t let myself reach out to you.

Fuck this,
G

Up dragon

My mom felt the urge to have my brother at I join her for sunrise service out of town , my kid and husband would have joined too but she had the sneezes.
There are a handful of cars parked off a dirt road where people have gathered singing by a cross to watch the sun come up. I’m not too impressed by the sermon, something along the lines of if you are not dutiful in your attendance to the church you are viewed as dirty in need of cleaning like a dish in the sink. He actually uses an analogy of house servants who play while the house lord is away and then later akins suffering on the whole as something God plans for you to be closer to ‘him’, rather than the chaos that it really is, beyond the control of any one thing.
The food at the church was good though, I was suprised to see my old boss there and everyone was quite friendly and welcoming.

We later visit my brothers farm. He’s lived there for years but is now getting the paperwork done for purchasing it. I get him some of the fungis my husband and I enjoyed the day before, him and his partner then show me the path their likely to take on their walkabout, beyond the chickens and ducks, through the horse pasture and into a Grove of trees growing at a bizarre angle. The space nestles nicely in the shadow of the mess, and is about 20 feet away from river access. I think they have a beautiful time ahead of them.
We head back to my mom’s around 3 to rejoin my grandma and them for dinner. Mom made way too much, She was really eager to make the space welcoming for Zachs partner, and even invited fewer people this year to make sure he showed. They arrive with gifts of fresh duck eggs for us.

I planned a family game if bingo with mom, we normally werent the type to do games at family events but I thought the cornhole tournament at the family reunion was so cool and wanted to do something grandma would enjoy . I picked up a bunch of prizes before hand for the winners and when the game was a bigger hit than I expected, mom had some mystery wrapped gifts we were able to toss in.
I used to love playing bingo with grandma at the Elks. And I was really glad to see her have such a good time playing with our family, mom called numbers and everyone won at least once, except for grandma who was the grand Victor winning a whopping four rounds and getting prime pick on prizes.
We’ve had a hard go cheering her up after great grams passing, so I was super pleased when this was such a success with her and the rest of the fam.

The Main Point

Now you do.

1. If that is truth that really makes me sad.
2. This one I can totally buy. It still makes me laugh though.
3. Do you mean being respectful and not ruining things when time was off?
4. This one is what I like to call USEFUL INFORMATION

Okay now read both again.
Now read #4 again and let that sink in.

Sincerely
Britney

I always wanted to try

Going on a magic mushroom journey around my hometown stomping grounds and today got to be that day.

After enjoying a morning of family festivities for the holiday, my husband and I left the kid to do some baking with her grandma’s while we went for a hike out of town.
The hike actually turned out to be a number of stops from the Kokapelli petroglyphs on down to white bird, cow canyon where we saw a large group of deer, and then finally the State Bridge site where we were able to wonder around a bit more. I let my husband have a greater portion so I could guide things if I needed too.

The communion with nature was intense, we hiked up a Ridge overlooking a pasture of grazing cows and took on the mesas for a bit . It was a perfect spring day with all the wild buds peeking out of the baked earth , and nice breeze.
I caught site of some encroaching rainclouds though and thought it might be best for us to get closer to the truck in case of a downpour. What ended up happening though was much more satisfying, once we got to the truck and it hadnt started raining yet we explored a little cave area through a gulch and then settled into a little alcove to watch a show in the clouds. They were smoke like in their darkness and wisp, but they just seemed to hover in place overhead in weaving patterns that shifted like ocean waves. If I stared hard enough it appeared there was a kaleidoscope like grid manifesting itself in grey tones in a private scene if wonder.

As it got later I needed to get us back to town to take my grandma to work but my husband would say it was the perfect reset the mind day , and I gave myself a little pat on the back for guiding a safe and enjoyable experience where we were still able to come back and rejoin my family for food and egg dying activities, sharing the tale of the day with my brother and having some genuinely good laughs with everyone.

home

home

i have been so busy
or kept myself so busy?
too busy to breathe
to contemplate
to think
the moments i’ve had i sat and one thought
kept penetrating my mind

home
what is home?
the platitude of home is where the heart lies
came to mind first
and questions followed
never allowing myself to really finish those moments

well, here i am now
in this moment
trying again
as i feel i must
yet unclear why

so here it goes

home is where the heart lies
but what if your heart seems to be free falling into nothingness?
but what if you somehow forgot along the way that your heart is more then just an organ
more then just there to care for others?
but what if your heart has always been so unreliable leading you …
leading you …erm…me …to where i am?
not that there is anything wrong with where i am, quite tho opposite
but, but rather lonely
in those moments i allow myself way to seldom

ok ok focus…
home is where the heart lies
ist’s just not lying anywhere
not lying down at all
my heart is hmmm missing, i suppose?
na, not missing either
it is too big that it exploded into a million peace’s
all alive and well somewhere with everybody
and maybe i am just looking for a little piece left for
myself

still, doesn’t really answer my proverbial question
or does it?

home
is home where you are born?
is home where you lived the longest or the deepest?
is home where you’ve had the most pleasurable memories
or is home where one escaped to?
is home a bond between people?
if so, love comes in all shapes what people?
friends? yeah surely but what if they’re living scattered all over the world?
family? whoa family, an entire different subject matter to ponder over… but what bloodfamily i would consider still part of my life, still me still searching for this home