Author: Anonymous

Words

Words.

Oh I got em. And I’m good with them too, or at least I’d like to think so. But those same words seem to so quickly turn into excuses or false promises. My intentions are good, but my words betray me.

Nope, just kidding, my words, in and of themselves, are innocent. I betray my words and myself with my actions. Maybe it’s not even betrayal, maybe it’s sabotage. Maybe a bit of both. It’s like a well-thought plan. I have one, but what is that worth without the commitment to its execution? By any and all means.

In the end, I believe actions are more meaningful than words, and results are more meaningful than actions. So, I know it doesn’t matter how many words I put together, or how eloquently, if they ultimately ring hollow. That’s not what I want to be – a man whose statements and beliefs and acts are separate entities. That’s what’s called a hypocrite. They should all be in alignment, and I know I’m not nearly there.

You are, of course, right, about pretty much everything. You always have been. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, lolz, but there’s a bit of a maturity gap between us. I could talk about the crushing despair I felt inside every time you asked the same question: “where are you living now?” The truth is, I never knew I could be so selfish. But those are just more words, and how crushing was that despair really if my behavior barely changed at all??

There are so many more words I could give you, like an unending filibuster of my love. But they would just be what this entire letter is: just words devoid of any meaning beyond attached actions and resultant outcomes.

You deserve better than that. And while I wish I could offer you more than stupid words at the moment, I can’t. I am trying. I really am. To put that aforementioned plan into motion. The actions are starting to match the words, getting there at least. But, at this point I know you need results. And if they come, hopefully soon for my own sake, you’ll know. In the meantime, I’m inclined to stay in my dark place and just focus, but I can adjust that position.

Short of results, I feel like I’m just wasting your time. The picture in your head, it deserves to be real. That is the most truly honest set of words I can give you right now.

Well, not quite. I think about you often, every day. And it always makes me happy :). I love you.

Happy Birthday Linda

It’s been many months since you left , I considered sending you a card and gift for your birthday tomorrow , I won’t though you left for reason and I know you don’t want me in your life so I’ll stay away , Happy Birthday Linda 💋💋💋 Enjoy your day I sincerely hope you don’t feel as bad as I did on my birthday , I cried a lot today I missed you . I know you don’t understand me but someday you might , it’s not right the way your family treat people it’s not right that your mother shows a picture of a crying 3 year old and says Linda’s never happy laughing we both now why the little girl was crying , This night last year I was planning our little trip away I know you didn’t enjoy it or appreciate it but it was my best effort I spent a lot of time planning our few days . Happy Birthday my love . Goodbye 💋💋💋

April

A new neighbor starts moving in. I’m a little suprised at the speed of turnaround. The wife of the guy that offed himself over there sold the place to a rental company that was able to lease the place pretty immediately, surprising considering the rent is 1800 (we currently pay 800 but that is with ownership and a few refinances under the belt).

I first catch sight of the lady and her adolescent daughter through my window overlooking the parking lot. She bares a striking resemblance to Toni Colette. We become more formally introduced over her need for the garage key. I haven’t asked about what brought her here but she willingly offered up that she was a teacher of Reiki healing. I reckon if ever there was a space that needed energetic healing that unit definitely constitutes and I ponder the chances of her being drawn to that location for such an effort to be achieved.

My husband and I helped her move some boxes into the garage and I printed off a key so she wouldn’t have to stress about it anymore. Some of the items she’s trying to get rid of hint at her previously coming from a much larger home and when she tells me her daughter is with her father for the weekend and an older son in the military, I understand the likelihood of recent divorce but I don’t want to pry so instead I tell her about a shop a little ways away called Ritualcravt that I think she would really enjoy exploring before we part ways for the evening. She seems like the friendly sort.I hope her stay there is comfortable, and the neighborhood shows her a good time.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday !!!! I got you a card and wrote it and gave a gift to the Ukrainians on your behalf as I wasn’t going to give it to you , they seemed to like it , Last year I blew up all your balloons and got your cake and took you on our little sight seeing trip and cooked your your Birthday dinner we got three days out of it 😂😂😂and it wasn’t good enough , hopefully this year what your getting is good enough take care . I love you goodbye , I’m sorry for everything .

Happy Birthday

Hey again , it’s the end of the day , end of your birthday day thank god , I haven’t seen or heard from you in months , I miss you I really do but that’s life , I bought you a present and card today and had cake with my workmates in your go out they didn’t know it was your birthday but we had cake , I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday with me last year I done my best to make it nice for you , but I’m sorry I don’t know how much I could have don’t differently but still I’m sorry , at least this year your with your family that’s where you’ve always wanted to be I know that that’s why I sent you home and no anywhere else , I’m sorry that your family and I don’t get on but I tried my best at all times to keep away from them and that worked for three years I don’t understand there need to put other people down and mock them and all the things that they do or to be honest all the things you and your family do , anyway thankfully your home with them and I’m alone the way ye all wanted it and yes I’m heartbroken every day I keep busy and hope for better times , I was seriously upset yesterday morning I cried very very hard today not at all so far I thought I would be awfully upset today thankfully not yet . I know you hate me and wish me all the worst maybe someday you will understand my feelings and that’s it’s not nice to be treated badly by your partner to be made feel bad about being yourself I know I’m not brilliant or fabulous but I never claimed to be I’m a ordinary man , you know any person in this world would condemn your family’s behavior full stop it’s not normal to have a big laugh at everybody and everything everyone else does and for them to be so brilliant but it’s them who laugh at you and say nasty things about you , I know I’ve lost nothing but i still hurt but I feel you have lost the only person every to stand by that little girl in the picture the one your mother laughs at and says you were never happy ……….. I wonder why that little girl wasn’t happy !!!!!!!! Your family are animals and your “ parents” truly belong in jail for many many years hopefully you will see this at some stage in your life and you won’t feel as alone as I feel , you never had my back I always had yours ,

Take care and Happy Birthday

I feel this for me is the absolute end I wanted to get over this birthday of yours I managed my birthday and Christmas and new year alone now for me I feel I’m strong again

Enjoy your life , Goodbye

Spring break

And we get it kicked of with a prehistorically good time, taking a visit to the Jurassic World exhibit at the National Western Complex. It was a short but sweet display of how far animatronics have come in time, giving the impression of being up close and personal with a blinking, roaring Tyrannosaurus and it’s fabricated relative the Indominus Rex. My kids favorite part was the creation lab with the baby dinos, the detail they put into the baby dino puppets really delighted the little adventures in our group. It’s a pleasant distraction from the other news we have coming in right now.

My husband’s grandma gives him a call from Russia, he’s pretty grim talking about. By her own account , his grandma supports the war on the Ukraine, giving the impression that Russian troops are only there to ‘help’,, but this is already after the time when speaking against the war on Russian soil is prohibited and penalized. I’ve heard more from Putin talking that crazy talk about caste systems and bloodline superiority, even though I read that Facebook has been banned in Russia itself I still catch posts here and there from Russian artists I’m friends online with. It’s possible they’re using proxy servers but I don’t actually know but in some ways I get more or at least different news from all these folks over the battle of opinions I see broadcasted on the side by side news channels that I see at the gym. My husband shows me a vk video of a burnt out Russian military truck and there’s body parts strewn about around it, the camera pans to the ground and an ass that’s laying on the ground unattached to any torso or legs. Giving me a whole different perspective to the phrase “Hold onto your butts.”

Tuesday my husband gets a day to hang out with his work buddies. They enjoy some mushrooms and getting silly for a few hours. It sounds like a much needed bit of laughter for the hubs and all in a safe setting. As an added bonus , he came own with a big bag of fungi for us to split when we have bits of appropriate time over the next few months, we might enjoy a nice walkabout when we visit my folks next month and have grandparent childcare available.

Farewell

V,

Wow, I guess that’s it. Was it really that easy to cut me off? One mistake? To make matters worse, it took me a full 2 weeks to realize. I guess I was so busy making you a cd I was gonna give you today to realize you don’t want any part of me in your life. I’m such a fool.

Maybe I deserve it. I mean, there’s no way I was ever going to change your mind, so what’s the point of keeping me around where all I can do is cause damage. Of course, from my perspective, I felt like I had to try. But as usual, it seems like I just made up a lot of shit in my head that was never real.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. How does a person fall in love with someone convinced that the feeling is reciprocal when it’s not? Was there ever anything you felt for me? Maybe you just felt bad for me and wanted to be nice. It doesn’t matter now I guess.

I definitely did/do love you. It took me awhile to realize how special you are because I’m a stupid idiot. There’s not a thing I would change about you. I spent so much time fantasizing about having a life and family together with you when we never even went out once. In reality, I’m such a mess. I hate myself so much and I already hate myself even more now, not that that’s your problem. But that voice in my head, it’s been saying this whole time I was never close to deserving someone as amazing as you, and I guess it was right.

I’m gonna disappear for awhile now. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything drastic. It’s just like, when you lose a lot in life, each new loss compounds on the previous ones, like a snowball. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to recover from this, but probably a long time. The thing no one tells you about rock bottom is it’s not some finite point. There’s always more room for things to get worse. And if I don’t take some time to grieve, it definitely will. It probably will anyways, but here I am, the consummate loser, as optimistic as ever.

In that same vein, I’d like to think I’ll see you again some day. Maybe I’ll finally have my shit together and things will be different. But I’m probably just being delusional again that you would ever want that. Either way, I love you, and I miss you, and I sincerely hope the next chapter of your life will be as wonderful as you deserve.

Love,
E