Author: Anonymous

I miss you.

It doesn’t matter, knowing that you weren’t good for me, or my self-esteem and self-worth, for that matter.

It felt as if you were the one to break things off. After processing this feeling for awhile, I realize it’s because you hadn’t really given me any other option.

There are so many things that I love about you. Your silliness, your sense of humor, your generosity, the way you felt, your nervous tics. I wanted to be able to withstand your downfalls enough to hold onto these pieces of you forever. In a way, I will hold onto those pieces of you forever. Who knew that the shortest lived romance would impact me the greatest. I still smile when I think about you. I still water our $0.50 plant, and I’ll think of you when she blooms. I don’t mind giving the ring back because it means one more time to see you. Even when I’m stone-faced in your presence, know that I’m absolutely crumbling inside.

I’m sorry about the birthday plans. I’m sorry about ending things. I just needed to feel safe again.

Dear Snide,
When did you become this self pitying burnout? You are a fucking crisp shell of who you once were and now I am truly done with you. Go on and tell yourself it’s all good, chew another “candy” and become even less alive. I was angry because I had wasted so much time trying to get into your drawers to restart something that happened too too long ago and now I am disgusted by you. Is it any wonder why your alone? Now you are just more alone and I finally don’t give a fuck anymore. Take your made up OCD’S and your “candies” and have the world you want, alone! Good bye, good luck. What an asshole I was for so long a time, jeez what a waste.

This might seem feeble and pathetic but I do not care – I want it out of my head.

At my new job I encountered the most narcissistic person I have never met – I have never been more let down or shit on in my life. She spent the whole time on her high horse shitting on all the staff below her because we were younger – yet I’ve managed to achieve more than her in my short life.

She moaned about the pay and how she could make more sat on her arse – so I question why did you take the job?

I decided to confront her one day in an informal setting in order to put us at a more even playing field however she had had 5 drinks before I even got there so was drunk alreadt. Anyway I decided to proceed and asked her why she took the role and what her role involved? She became so threatening and defensive from this question and decided to annihilate my personality and how I would never be able to do the job when that wasn’t even my question – it continued for about half an hour when I told her to just leave it and that she was right so I could enjoy myself she continued to make a scene.

After I stopped giving her the attention she wanted she left and then I later found out that she quit the job – honestly am relieved but still feel like I am in the wrong for confronting her but she was making my life hell at work and I just wanted to have a conversation about her job and why she kept letting me down when she was supposed to be my support system.

So a big FUCK YOU to her and I hope I never see her again – and i hope you never get hired by anyone else again so you can’t treat anyone as badly as you treated me.

I hate to say this, but I was wrong. It is entirely possible to hate a person when the rose-colored glasses come off. I told you and myself that I could never hate someone I loved, and it kills me that this might mean I’m finally moving on, finally letting go. I am afraid to let go of you. You’re all I’ve known for so long. And it’s been so long without you that I can’t really remember you anymore, can’t really remember us anymore. I’m scared. But I’m happier too. Freer. How did I let you hurt me so badly for so long? I guess the price we pay for love is pain … and this pain is never-ending. I mourn the love I gave you, I mourn the pieces of me I lost in you, and I mourn the idea I had of who you were when you shared yourself with me. I mourn the sentiment that I could never hate you, and I mourn the night you watched me break with not a thought of remorse. I will forever mourn these things, perhaps, just as I will forever avoid your name and the thought of you, just as I will see you in everything I do. Time will heal all, yes, but it can’t come fast enough for me to seem to move past you and the impact you’ve made on me.

Hello. How are you

I’m sorry…

I hate what an unbearable person you can be. And not unbearable because of how you are but because of how you behave. Your selfishness and narcissism have no limits and I had to pay a very high price for loving you, a reinforcement to the trauma but not a common reinforcement, a reinforcement so strong that not even the original trauma has weight, it is like a new trauma where the person who loves you the most betrays you and justifies it and does not ask for forgiveness. Your actions your shortcomings do not define me however they are hurting the present with someone who is a great guy, and above all they hurt me. I have to let it go because I have already forgotten you, but that weighs on me and bleeds me and I hate it and it’s not fair.

Dear Josh,

No one tells you or prepares you for how irrevocably alone you will feel as a schizophrenic. My sister urges me not to write to you like I did Dana, so I settle for here. You have no idea how maddening I feel, or how much I hate myself for the delusional thoughts I have had. I hate myself beyond anything you could possibly understand. To be delusional for so many years, has me convinced these unearthly thoughts will result in my own self destruction. My sister has discussed how it would be embarrassing to send you a letter. It would be embarrassing but I have experienced lifetimes of embarrassment from my actions. Who cares for one single more? In truth I don’t hate you for dodging this bullet, but I cannot explain the irreversible damage I have contained, nor fathom the loneliness and isolation it feels to tell a boy you love him while sick and to have thoughts that aren’t meant for this earth. I am sorry for my part in your story. I wish I never met you honestly. I wish one day that I will find peace buy frankly normalcy has never been a friend of mine. I wish to write this letter for my own recovery in the hopes that this pain subsides. I hope you forget about me. No one prepares you for this feeling. I hope you never experience it.

Sincerely,

Nicole