Alone in outerspace

Dear Josh,

No one tells you or prepares you for how irrevocably alone you will feel as a schizophrenic. My sister urges me not to write to you like I did Dana, so I settle for here. You have no idea how maddening I feel, or how much I hate myself for the delusional thoughts I have had. I hate myself beyond anything you could possibly understand. To be delusional for so many years, has me convinced these unearthly thoughts will result in my own self destruction. My sister has discussed how it would be embarrassing to send you a letter. It would be embarrassing but I have experienced lifetimes of embarrassment from my actions. Who cares for one single more? In truth I don’t hate you for dodging this bullet, but I cannot explain the irreversible damage I have contained, nor fathom the loneliness and isolation it feels to tell a boy you love him while sick and to have thoughts that aren’t meant for this earth. I am sorry for my part in your story. I wish I never met you honestly. I wish one day that I will find peace buy frankly normalcy has never been a friend of mine. I wish to write this letter for my own recovery in the hopes that this pain subsides. I hope you forget about me. No one prepares you for this feeling. I hope you never experience it.



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