Author: Anonymous

And just like that. The static is back. As simple as you leaving. Such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. You walking out of my job, and the chaos usually consumes me, returns.
You walk in, and it’s gone. Completely and totally, gone. So gone I searched for it tonight while looking you in the eye. Nothing. Sweet silence I’ve missed so long. Safety. Safe at last.
Simply by you, being. So simple. Yet.. so complicated. It always is. I could write a book on all the ways our lives are completely too complicated for this to ever happen….but the chaos has completely overwhelmed me now.
Hello Darkness, my good friend
Goodbye safety

All arrive and all will go
A path with which design may flow
Beyond our Mortal finger tips
And betrayed by lips intended bliss

Seasons pass and the path will wind
Down narrow corridors and uphill climbs.

Success depends upon the key
You choose to unlock your life’s mystery.

Crafted with the minds intent
Informed by artifacts of ages
And of previous ends met
Then and now, here to there
Searching for what feels like fair.

My first relationship just ended.
I’m in highschool, so it’s not like I expected we’d last forever, but at least more than a month..One month, that’s how long we were together for. One month of dates, meeting his family, always hanging out at school. One month of “I’m sure we’ll last long, we won’t be one of those quick, ‘meaningless’ relationships”. We never even got to say “I love you”.
It didn’t end on bad terms, but I just don’t understand it. They said they weren’t ready, yet they were the one who initiated it. They said they were going through a hard time, and that it would’ve been better if we had gotten together another time; yet they’re the one who pushed the relationship to start this early.
I’m not trying to blame everything on them, at least I don’t want to, but I’m hurt, and I just don’t know what to do woth myself. I’m so confused.

i stopped talkin ’bout that ass & started talkin about u & u didnt like that either.

I started tellin u all about urself. U know the same way u did when u were sooooo fucking “taking care of me”.. ya, when i was sick & u fed me soup with a BIG fucking side of fucked up misogynist bullshit?
“Men r smarter”? huh? U want 2 tell urself im just being “mean”..
no, im just dishing back the shit u dished out to me.. u thought telling me all about how i’m over 26 & ive hit ‘the wall’ bitch, if i had been feeling 60% i would’ve hit u. I’m not being mean, im being exactly how u were being to me when u were so fucking “helpful” to me when i was literally on my deathbed u fuck!!
how u ever thought i was going to ever call u up & ask u to have sex with me as a favor?!?!?!!(i asked for help with the AC).. just goes to show how stupid u are..

i mean, come on, u literally used that whole week i was sick to try to brainwash me, to attempt to break me down, to tell me that how there were 4 other women out there just waiting for u(“there are 5 women to every man”)..
oh & u told me that ur dick & my vag are the same?
No, no they are not.
u never got as much attention from ANY women than when u were seen with me.
I raised ur worth, bitch, u didnt raise mine.
I raised ur estimated value, but to b fair, i’d been beggin ppl to spread rumors that i was gay too, so its not like I wanted to be seen as a target for all the cocks flying my way.

B4 u tell urself I dont mean this shit im saying.. remember this… I never said i was sorry when ive said similar shit to u b4, because i wasn’t sorry.
I didnt apologize for telling u shit like this before. never.
because i meant it.. i dont lie. and ive never taken back the shit u think of as “mean” because i meant it. I may have said.. “ya, that was mean”. but i never said it wasn’t true.
i never “took it back”, not once, because unlike u, at least I’ll own my shit. I wont claim to love u & then tell u shit to run u down.. my breath stinks?
bitch, have u looked in a mirror?
my bathroom scale has PTSD from how much YOU weigh.
I thought plenty of shit about u the ENTIRE time ive known u, the only difference is,.. i actually cared enough about ur fucking feelings not to tell u about the shit. so no, im not saying nothing now that i dont mean or would ever take back..
know i mean this shit. I may not have let ur weight or face bother me because i obviously had my eyes closed as well as my mouth!!
but I do have eyes & I appreciate art & a good looking body & a good looking face, u have neither!
SO lose the weight. do that.
but ur always going to have that face & that victim mentality.
oh my god i may have been through some shit but YOU have the mentality of a victim. Ive seen some shit, I only ever said i wouldnt see those ppl again without going to prison..but somehow what u HEARD was… “Oh, poor me”. no, bitch.
NO. those who have hurt me better never let me catch them anywhere.
I’m not helpless now. Im a fucking warrior. The difference between us..
the difference between you & I. I dont feel ashamed of what others did, i dont feel the need to hide my scars, i didnt do that shit to myself. u cut urself, u said u did. that ur a cutter, thats a symptom of shame. U carry someone else’s actions as ur shame. u r a victim & with that mentality, u’ll always b cryin & lookin 4 something, someone to make u feel better, drugs, sex. u can’t find happiness within ur own head without external stimulus. thats fuckin sad.

I found my happiest time of my life in those 4 months that i spoke with neither YOU, nor toby. I found myself crying tears of fucking joy over just waking up alone & the sheer gratitude for my life without either one of u around to start shit with me.
u didnt want to talk about him. so let me just go back to focusing on u….

u tried to shovel bullshit & lies down my throat along with that chicken soup u fixed me.. oh wow.. ya ur a fucking hero for using a god damn microwave to heat up soup!!! let me do for u what YOU THINK im supposed to be grateful to u for…
let me fix u some soup.. for ur soul..
let me give u a great big serving of the fucking gospel truth…
Everything ive said about u was true. as someone who claims to be bisexual, u should already know ur dick is small, come on, bruh, uve seen average sized dicks, im sure.. urs isnt up to the standard & thats the truth. oh & men dont eat pussy, yes, yes they do, literally every single one of the men I have fucked has gotten a face full & fat men eat it best. especially fat men with little dicks, they have a lot to make up for..so they will break a sweat eating a pussy if they ever want a callback for a repeat. facts. that “she’s busy right now” pic i talked about? That was something i totally thought of to send to u, T encouraged me to be evil, but me asking him if he would be the guy in the pic.. me telling him that idea kinda scared even him.. but he was down for it lol
I told him since he’s 9 inches.. oh ya, i can measure the length of a dick WITHOUT a measuring tape… I will forever be able to know exactly how long 12 inches is without a ruler or a tape measure. thank u, james where ever u are 🙂

if u ever hmu again, i will b sure to hit T up to take that pic just so i can send it 2 u. I dont care that he doesnt love me, or that i dont love him, thats not the point. the point is, he could take that pic with half his dick inside me while still enough of it was still visible to show u how u didnt measure up in that department. he was literally 3x the man u were in that department, cock wise. most men have to really lie about how much they got, but he doesnt have a problem sending dick pics with a fucking measuring tape to prove it.. he does really really well on social media with the women.. not ladies, but with the women. Ive always known. oh & the in the pic, he’ll be raw dogging it. so think twice before u ever try speaking to me again.

think 3 or 4 times before u tell urself I didnt mean what i said. i meant it..
so say thank you..
tell me thank u for returning the “favor” u did for me when i was deathly ill.
u expected me to thank u for LYING, now i want u to thank me for tellin u the truth.
u wanted me to thank u for telling me u had options?
“let’s not pretend we both dont have options” isnt that what u said..
so say thank u… Ya, i have options, like T & J… Im 100% sure ur not really ready to thank me for the options u’ll have ur choice from. ive already seen what u thought was hot… if not for T’s higher standards in beauty i’d be left feeling bad about myself.. he really does fuck with some beautiful women, i can’t even say they’re not, if anything i feel like the ugly bitch in what he thinks of as his stable of women. U… i know u dont have those kinds of women to choose from, so u should totally get to doing what u do. ur not chill, ur not mature enough to just fucking let ppl live their own lives with their own choices, as if u have any right to judge anyone. look at urself. u talk like a street rat, its not sexy, u sound stupid & u think u sound cool. its just fucking pathetic.

how desperate was i to ever choose u?? ive literally charmed a college professor, an architect, a high school teacher, a database manager, several business owners, men of value, worth, men with vocabularies that dont include words found in the ‘urban dictionary’.. u were a mistake. my mistake. I wont miss u at all, but i’ll remember a lonely heart makes for a terrible guide. u were essentially what happens when someone goes the grocery store hungry.. and thats never a good idea. u end up picking up shit u didnt want.

10:00 a.m. Tuesday morning I’m driving up to Jenns house from my stay at Great Wolf Lodge to help with last minute readiments for the wedding. I bring breakfast for anyone that needs a bite in all the chaos. It’s fun watching the stylists braid her massive amounts of hair into something akin to Lagertha from Vikings.

When it gets close enough to the event time I make the trek back down to Colorado Springs to pick up the other part of my trio. At some point I make a wrong turn and find myself behind a quirky license plate ,Wzzrds. My kid had chosen to dress like a fox for the wedding, and my husband dusted off his green wedding tunic for the occasion.

The venue the bride has chosen at The Oaks in Colorado Springs is gorgeous, and presents us with an elegantly decorated parlor for us to prepare. I have a scare when one of the other bridesmaids husband’s comes in looking for his wife and while I’m sneaking around the dressing room in my shapewear searching for some forgotten piece.

My kid plays Minecraft quietly while we get ready and it’s not until the ceremony is about to begin that I realize she’s gone missing. Initially I assume she’s found her father, who had been sucked into to a game of Munchkin with David and his groomsmen, so I take my position as Maid of Honor next to the grooms brother Devin before our entrance into the ceremony area.

The curtain is pulled back as Devin and I are announced, Jens family and friends are seated in a semicircle on a raised platform around the wedding arch. The officiant, dressed on her very best viking attire waits for us at the center, and then I see my husband sitting on the right side of the circle but our daughter is not with him and internally I’m panicking but I have to keep my best poker face on.

I signal him before the brides descent and he understands me bur he can’t do anything at this point without drawing attention either.

The brides mother walks her down the aisle. Jens looking stunning in her black lace Maggie Sotterro ballgown.
The ceremony is beautiful and punctuated by the occasional witty joke by the officiant.
I’m screaming at my husband with my eyes, but he’s as unwilling to interrupt the ceremony as I am. However, relief floods me when my little fox eventually appears in the entry hallway, lurking just on the outskirts and Im able yo smile genuinely now at the absurdity of it all. I’m able to eventually signal her father to collect her during the mead mead toast after we give the new husband and wife a good howl at their first kiss.

About the game? u sent that “female” (cringe) pictures of u in ur boxers(double cringe).. how’s that about a video game? fucking gaslighting sack of crap. You have ALWAYS hated women, toby. You have always been a classic case of what happens when a man hates his mother. Don’t come back in a yr when u need something. I wasn’t looking to reconcile with u, stupid. I was finally saying what i needed to say. Only a misogynist prick would use women and only display loyalty to their fellow men. Think what u want. I guess even with the final warning that you have truly burned through the last bit of concern I ever had for your well being, I will still be the villain in the delusional fantasy of ur so called life. And im totally ok with that now. I said my peace. i literally dont care if u read this or not. I just needed to put it out into the universe that I made the attempt to let u know that i will be laughing in ur face when u find urself in need of a friend and u think u ever did anything for me to warrant my friendship. YOU gave me NOTHING. what a $100 tablet that u literally had me drive to the police station to give back to you?? oh wow.. because someone paying the rent that kept a roof over ur worthless head for MONTHS.. a month here.. a month there.. you have NEVER put a roof over my head when u werent in need of my car and had it in exchange for said roof, in other words.. ive always paid my way.. u have literally NEVER done anything to pay ONE bill in my ENTIRE life and dont say my dentist because THAT was me being smart and getting back the thousand dollars u had already spent out of MY WALLET BACK.. that was me getting MY MONEY BACK, not u paying for shit!!.. so go fuck urself and ur dreams of you were ever a good man to me or any woman. you never were.. thats why no woman took ur bullshit seriously. Thats why anea thought ur relationship was a joke. thats why she was accepting dates from any guy who asked her out on facebook. I told u once that u and anea deserved each other.. i meant that.. i meant that bc i knew she accepted a date with J that she was clowning u the way u thought u were getting one over on other women by talking to multiple women while u were telling them all that u loved them. and telling all of them u were committed to them.. ur a liar. and u lie best when you believe ur own fucking bullshit. uve convinced urself of it.. but i saw u. Dont come back in a year when u need someone. just dont fucking bother. I wont be available to waste any more time with ur shit.
just delete this without reading it. i just fucking can’t stand the lies..
YOU LIE TO URSELF about urself.. its just gross how u lie so hard about things that are literally RIGHT THERE.. in black and white or in this case .. ON A SCREEN.. those WERE NOT PICTURES of a game.. i saw there were deleted pics too.. were those pics of ur dick? i dont know, u deleted those.. but u were NOT Talking to her about some game.. dont try to gaslight someone who’s got a memory like i do.. im not crazy im just fed the fuck up. and YOU WILL NEVER convince me that i didnt see what i saw.. but thats literally the ONLY card u have.. is the denial card.. even with the truth right in front of u.. u still deny. wow. karmic-ally, gaslighting someone who thinks enough of mental health, that they see a consoler sometimes for just a “checkup” has to be about as close to shooting ur own dick off.. but u’ll find out i guess. Best of luck. hope it finds you and when it does you can’t find me 🙂

Thanks for ghosting me. You are some kinda special.

POS

My heart is an open door
One that cannot lock anymore
Chalk white with shards of stained glass
Pink and blue and green as grass
The colors spew forth a kaleidoscope
I study it incessantly, searching for hope
My heart is an open door
Do I dare to knock on yours?

After much discussion with the brides mother about what would make an enjoyable bachelorette party for her, the bride ultimately picked axe throwing for herself. It was a lovely little tie in to her brother who had also has his bachelor party with the axes a few years previously.

The establishment that she initially wanted that was closest to her home in Castle Rock was not quite open yet for the date we needed, so I found the next best thing and reserved our spot a few weeks in advance.

My husband and I show up few minutes earlier than everyone else and are able to get settled inside without much fuss.
I’ve prepared a sweets box for the event, filled with canolli and cream puffs.
I’m a little concerned about a noisy baby pit bull in the quiet studio when we first arrive, but after giving him some love and letting the manager ( who wears a gap toothed grin and a mjolnir around his neck) set up the TV and music, his lady departs with their puppy.
When the bride arrives with the other party members I get hers, her mother’s, and her fiance drink order in before we start throwing axes around.
I land my first axe in the target to get the game going , the brides mother really shows us what’s up absolutely dominating on points most of the match before the brides fiance who’s wearing a Prince shirt sneaks up to her at the end and takes the crown. The bride herself also lands a nice array of bullseye. My husband picks up the tab of 270 something, which is rough but makes us evensies for her contribution to our wedding when her partner at the time paid for half our wedding cake.

Afterwards our group of six migrates next door to Asuka Ramen, which my husband yells me means bitch in Russian . The food is alright . My bride hashes out her game plan for the wedding day, and divulged a few tidbits about the D&d character sheets she’s made for everyone attending the wedding. Her father and his wife are chaotic evil aligned , attributes she projects on them based on their political volatility. Her mother is a centaur based on her deep commitment to the equine arts, her brother and his wife, orcs and half orcs. I told her a therapist would have a field day with this. I vaguely remember her telling me my character name was Kava , that my partner and I were dragonborn and we’d be sitting at the Silver Dragon table ( they painstakingly 3d printed dragons for each table)
I won’t be upset if it’s different than I recall from her earlier planning stages though.
I wanted to keep the night going and migrate once more over to one of our favorite bars down the way Trve Brewery, but my husband who had been working all day crashed hard during the brides conversational tangents into her next cosplay passion project from Warhammer.
One week and counting.

This is the last letter I will ever write to you. We will never be anything anymore. It doesn’t matter it’s the end. You have died in my heart.