reflections on communication

Something I’ve been thinking about… if I could do it all over, I would keep things real life. Not texting or any online/chat/app communication. It’s easy to hide behind a screen and say things you couldn’t in person. Even on the phone, you can’t look at the person and get their full message. So much room for misunderstandings. For people to be careless and say things they don’t mean just for thrills or to temporarily feel less lonely. I want nothing but real connection anymore. We’re all so conditioned to not expect it anymore, to even be uncomfortable with it. But we all need it so much.

Because I had a relationship that was based 90% on chatting back and forth, things eventually fell apart very badly, to the point in-person interaction became something that caused anxiety, when it probably could have solved everything and saved a lot of heartache.
I recently let go of friendships that were based on this… not applicable to long distance friends, ones I’d already established a solid friendship with… and now my life has less day-to-day interaction, less notification interruption. Less texting frustration when I hit the wrong letters, which makes it take 3x longer. 🙂 I would happily be friends with these people in real life, but they were very engrained into the virtual friendship thing, at least with me, and tended not to want to do in-person things. While I miss them, I know that it’s just not the right type of connection for my energy, or the quality of my life and friendships.

If I ever date again, it will only be with a guy who initiates… not via text. In person. And if face-to-face is not possible, phone is okay, but I really prefer to see and hear someone when I’m talking to them. I’ve never been one to go after guys, but I did see in past relationships how ones who connected with me mostly virtually seemed to want to do less work, or were more likely to be hurtful and not tuned into me as a person, and I ended up in a role that I wasn’t comfortable with, doing more work than they did. I also would misunderstand them. So it just wasn’t good.

I guess this isn’t a letter, more like thoughts I wanted to spill, as I’m sure others on here would relate. This site is all about writing letters no one will ever see. I wish I had the courage to communicate in person to someone that is on my mind, who probably has no idea who I really am inside because it was all this back and forth in writing and misunderstanding. But there has already been way too much back and forth. It became such a tangled mess. I still feel torn inside.

But I also have this peace of knowing the best thing to do is leave it. If you are meant to be with someone, you will be, and it will not require you to do anything either wrong morally, or wrong according to your own preferences/needs for living your life and how you want to conduct relationships.

I do wish they knew that despite all the miscommunications and baggage, I deep down hope for a clean slate someday and a chance to start over, if that is where life would lead, even if it takes a long long time. I am peaceful and patient and already let go of any sort of need to “make it happen” or make some definitive decision. I’m just living my life now. It feels good to be okay with myself and not afraid to be alone if I am not able to find like-minded people. I’d rather be by myself than uncomfortable and doing things that don’t add value to my life.

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