I can’t remember what I said last post, just that it mentions love.
But why I am sorry is a push too far with the stupid jokes.
When first we met there were things you said and did made me believe, maybe if i were younger and single and free, we would have a chance, like “if i asked you out i’d just say where we were going”
To which you said “If YOU asked me i wouldn’t say n…….er forget that, nothing”
Or telling me secret desires, sharing difficulties and so forth.
But i guess the “reasons/excuses” are valid.
The sad thing is whilst i accepted that we wouldn’t ever be together, i did want to matter, i did love you and went over the top to show it.
What happened then was, you grew cold and distant. So in a stupid attempt to matter, i was nicer, over bearing.
Some i did not see, but in a different way you wouldnt either, remember when we first met, it wasnt me coming to you, it would be you coming over saying, how are you, coming over?
You came to me, you talked to me.
I realise now that was because i WAS a really good friend, so you DID love me, you DID love being around me.
If i wasn’t a moron i would have seen it sooner.
So i was a total tool and and tried harder to matter when i already did, it was a pure accident me talking over you, interrupting or taking over conversations with others, i was genuinely interested and wasn’t trying to block them from you or anything like that, but in the context of “He really really likes me” you probably suspected how much and got scared, so you eased off the pedal. I get it now.
What i want, is not changed, well actually it has. I accept i wont be with you, even if i became single and other things changed, that ship has sailed by my own doing, i mean i could have lied to you in the beginning an then…well no way on earth would i betray you and what you are, so i wouldnt even though the reasons were obvious before i even told you about or you discovered them.
But now, i am open eyed, if i can, i want back what i had, the friend love you offered, the way you too used to be happy to see me, you too wanted to come to me.
I would promise anything and stick to that promise to earn the friendship where you would want to be around me, and felt safe and trusted me.
Well hopefully you still trust me and feel safe but you know what i mean.
So i intend to say hi, smile, be normal nice and when i see you, just be like, hey im here, if you wanna catch up, come see me, if not, no sweat.
If i am lucky, and maybe i f’d it up too bad, but if i am lucky, you will truly forgive me being such a blind idiot and we get back to where we were.
You know if you should stumble on this, that i am dead serious now and then when i said in your life is better than not, i will NEVER push you for anything romantic, and anyway they were stupid jokes because i trust you, when i said, if you change your feelings tell me, i trust that you would.
I was just stupid to keep making a joke that clearly went too far too long.
I really do mean this apology because i see it now from how you used to be, that the friendship i want from you, you gave to me for free, literally you showed me a love and happiness in seeing me that made me feel more special than many others, like i was your number 1 friend.
That did not lead me on by the way, i am not that stupid.
And it was only today i realised if i love you, then you matter not me.
So to make you feel bad, awkward, sad, because if you liked me and were thinking i dont want to hurt him, but i have to not be friends or else he gets the wrong idea……well i am a total ass for putting you there.
I think it will take time to make you feel right again, or maybe it wont, but my only goal is that position i was in before, or at least to how it felt, you felt totally at ease around me, you felt you could rely on me to have your back, and you thoroughly enjoyed my company and yea like i said, i did feel you liked me more than many others.
That should be enough but obviously you are dealing with a fool here.
Well fool has learned his lesson.
No more overtures, i mean i am not saying i wont EVER say a nice thing about you, but the good thing is, you know, you know because i already told you so i dont need to say how i feel for you, i dont need to tell you how you make me feel, you know it, so it is literally like a friend knows someone cares and respects them, and they are someone elses no1. So whilst i may say hey nice hair, or you look nice at some point in the future, there wont be any “hey beautiful” although i never did that. I wont tell you how happy you make me, i will not be overly nice, just normal me.
I will happily be there for you for anything YOU want to talk about, which if its a boyfriend i can deal with that and my interest is you being happy so totally feel free there.
I will be quieter with others around so you dont think im blocking them out, i will leave it to you to come to me, most of the time, like maybe occasionally i will come to you but in general you dictate the contact, and if i am a super lucky idiot, then you will allow me to stay in touch when you go off on travels, and you will be happy seeing me when you get back.
If i behave as i should, then i get to hear how you are, and maybe once in a blue moon ill get a spontaneous message from you saying how you doing or just a stupid joke, that is more than enough for me. I count myself grateful to be in your life still and i swear to you i will not f’ it up this time, you said you forgive me so i will earn my friend back and be a good better one than the idiot i have been, thank you for forgiving me, thank you for not kicking me to the road, i dont deserve this chance but as you have given it, i will not make you regret the chance to just be my friend again like you were to begin with.
Thank you for listening. Now, i’m parched, go make me a coffee please.JK