I don’t know how

I don’t know how to get over you.

I don’t know how to forgive you.

I can’t forget.

And it’s been years, and it still hurts.

I have lots of happiness in my life, but that part of me that was for you is still here.

It’s the powerful emotion I’ve ever felt, all of it in relation to you.

You never gave me closure. You never helped me make sense of it. Of all the years. To this day I don’t know what your intentions were.

So many years of you, and so many years after you, I still feel you, like there’s some connection I can’t explain.

I fear you. I love you. I can’t hate you but sometimes in the quiet moments I’m still angry enough to feel the glow of hurt rage.

How could you? How could you? Did you mean to? Did you know? Do you feel it now? Remorse? Or was it always the intention?

It’s not just the heartache that makes it so hard, it’s the process of recovery and healing from the actions, the actions that only you and I know.

I feel part of it is that you won’t let me move on, everytime I get so far there’s a new reminder, by you, from you, and if not that it’s from the ether.

You left me so wounded I don’t think I can love again. I feel like that part of me is dead.

There is more to life than, I know, but in the quiet moments, I try to put it all together and none of it ever makes any sense at all….

I don’t know where to go with this, I can’t go to you, I can only run from you, but it hurts me so. You wanted to avenge me because I wouldn’t commit? Or you just wanted to hurt me for the sake of? What on earth did you expect? Why can’t you take ownership? Do you still think like you did then? That everything was my fault?

There’s a part of me that when it comes to you that really is completely crazy, sometimes the moments hit me,
memories like a video and in my home on my own I feel the same stab in my heart and I fall to the floor. Not metaphorically. Really.

How do you heal when the love of your life went out of there way to destroy you? When you only had love to give, as imperfect as it was? And I’ll never know why?

I know I wasn’t clear. I know I wasn’t open about my feelings, but I tried to be. Maybe my cavalier masquerade was some part of me knowing something from the future. The future that is now the past that I have to at all costs protect myself from. I know after a certain point I wasn’t even sane anymore. I don’t feel good about that; there was only so much I could take. I still feel you. And it hurts so bad.

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