The one thing I don’t think I’ve ever said to you is “Thank you for your patience.” I’ve spent enough time focusing on how things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, that I forget sometimes that surely you had a different outcome in mind as well. I know that I am….different. And I can understand how it could be difficult to formulate expectations when I don’t really abide by the ‘best practice’ rules of society. I don’t ever thank you for, more or less, staying by my side in spite of my behavior, which probably makes no sense to you or anyone else. Not always me either, to be honest. So then let me take this moment just to say: thank you.
In a lot of ways, I’ve been happier the last few years than any other time I can remember. Not like every day, but overall. I feel a bit perverse thinking or feeling that way given what led to this chapter of my life. But its true. I got saved from a job I despised every single day. I don’t worry about my next meal or falling behind on rent. And maybe more than anything, when you kinda remove yourself from everything for awhile, you see how quickly some people move on, and conversely, how long some people hang on. I’m fine with this; I don’t really want anyone in my life that doesn’t legitimately care about me. Fakeness I abhor above all else.
I guess I’ve mostly just felt there isn’t any reason to return to my old life. I’m so less stressed out now. Not anger free, but less angry. Not sadness free, but less sad in some ways. More accepting of myself. But I know this must be a transitory period of my life, because there is no future to the path I’m on. I will never regret the opportunity to regain strength and reflect upon the parts of my life I usually bury deep down inside. Now its time to do something with this reinvigoration.
And I do have at least one piece of unfinished business waiting for me.