i just want you back.
I’m so confused here. My heart will always want you but my mind is so sick of feeling tricked and lied to. I think you have this way of making people fall so helplessly in love with you that everyone believes they’re meant to be with you. Which makes my situation a lot less special. Maybe I’m just brainwashed and I’m not meant to feel this way. Maybe we won’t end up together. It makes me sick to think about that. I have never acted the way I act with you. You make me so crazy I lose my mind. I wish that it were more simple but if it were maybe I wouldn’t want it as much. I wish I knew the truth about how you feel about me. I wish we could just spend a night talking and crying for hours to finally come to a conclusion about us. I don’t know why I feel so strongly that it is you, but I do. That won’t leave no matter how hard I try. What do I do? Do I keep trying to move on and hope that feeling leaves? Do I try harder to be with you? Do I leave my heart open for you in case one day we are both ready and sure about what we want? You have this pull on me, but not just me. On everyone you meet. You leave this mark that sticks with everyone and they cannot ever entirely get over you. How are you so convincing and wonderful at the same time? How are you so intriguing? You frustrate the fuck out of me and make my crazy white girl come out but It’s scary how much I think of you—I think the world of you, I think of you like this amazing untouchable person and it’s possibly the worst and best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So long the broken, promised words.
You were beautiful
Celestial light, overflowing love,
Spilled heartbreak that were mended by
Your nimble fingers and sharp dance moves.
At last you are free, whitest dove,
Purest first snowfall,
Dim light igniting up rooms of my heart!
So long flower bouquets and songbirds.
I have found what it is like
To exhale, to breath notes of love
In another’s arms.
Foolishly. I Surrender to this love.
Oh stubborn beast!
Love yourself gently
Live your life daringly
Think of me softly
Until I am not there at all.
You were a beautiful love
Meant for an ethereal splendor.
One day, you will find love breaking down your door
Answer it with open arms my love.
So long, so long, so long!
The one thing I don’t think I’ve ever said to you is “Thank you for your patience.” I’ve spent enough time focusing on how things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, that I forget sometimes that surely you had a different outcome in mind as well. I know that I am….different. And I can understand how it could be difficult to formulate expectations when I don’t really abide by the ‘best practice’ rules of society. I don’t ever thank you for, more or less, staying by my side in spite of my behavior, which probably makes no sense to you or anyone else. Not always me either, to be honest. So then let me take this moment just to say: thank you.
In a lot of ways, I’ve been happier the last few years than any other time I can remember. Not like every day, but overall. I feel a bit perverse thinking or feeling that way given what led to this chapter of my life. But its true. I got saved from a job I despised every single day. I don’t worry about my next meal or falling behind on rent. And maybe more than anything, when you kinda remove yourself from everything for awhile, you see how quickly some people move on, and conversely, how long some people hang on. I’m fine with this; I don’t really want anyone in my life that doesn’t legitimately care about me. Fakeness I abhor above all else.
I guess I’ve mostly just felt there isn’t any reason to return to my old life. I’m so less stressed out now. Not anger free, but less angry. Not sadness free, but less sad in some ways. More accepting of myself. But I know this must be a transitory period of my life, because there is no future to the path I’m on. I will never regret the opportunity to regain strength and reflect upon the parts of my life I usually bury deep down inside. Now its time to do something with this reinvigoration.
And I do have at least one piece of unfinished business waiting for me.