I texted you last night, for the first time in probably almost a year. On occasion you have texted me, but I have never straight out made first contact, and when you contacted me I barely replied. Anyways, I was listening to a song that talked about forgiving people, saying they were sorry. So of course I thought of you.

We have been through a lot. Friends, “In like”, friends with benefits, Hate, Acquaintances… and I just felt like reaching out and seeing how you were was a good idea. That I’m over the hate, and the past, and everything you put me through, and probably everything I put you through. However.. I’m not sure that text was meant to really fix a friendship. I just kind of meant it as a “hey I’m sorry, can it not be so awkward when we run into each other from time to time.”

But I think you took it in a “lets go back to being friends again.”

We were really close, honestly you were up there on my “as close to best friends as possible” list, but honestly… though I can put everything behind us, I can’t forget it.

You hurt me a lot, and you used me, and you made me scared that when it comes to relationships…you are the example of what every other boy wants. I forgive you, I made mistakes by letting things get that far…but at the same time…I could never trust you again.

I feel like becoming friends again, or you wanting to, might take us back to how things happened last time. I know I don’t want any of that, and I know better now… but I just worry that it could happen again, and I’ll get hurt.

I could barely handle round one of whatever it was we had… I’m worried that you asking to hangout again is only going to lead to round two…

I am sort of regretting sending that text.. I should have thought this through better..


Like I don’t matter at all…

From the moment you moved in I tried to satisfy you and your mother… In return I’ve received fights, battle scars, and sarcastic rejection. I held in all my feelings and when I let them out you give me stupid comebacks to hurt me. On top of that you try to suck up to me and say you’re sorry when I know you’ll never really mean it. You’ve taken more from me that some would just ignore. I am sick and tired of ignoring what I lose. One day you will feel what I have felt and when you do then you can talk to me but until you realize the shit you have put me through with and without you…. stay out of my life.


August 29, 2010

10th of December was
9 days before I left, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but you needed a prop girl
5 minutes before the show and be
4 I knew it I was that girl and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you walked me home again, and
3rd times the charm, I asked you to stay
4 the night because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 days. And now
8 months later, and
90 days since I told you I loved you, I thank god for the
10 days I had with you in December.

Knock it off

Dear creeper on facebook,
Let’s get something straight, just because we’re friends on facebook doesn’t mean you need to comment/like every status. Everyone who knows you, knows you have a crush on me. It isn’t a secret, so please leave me alone or else I will delete you faster than you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, seven times fast. You are scaring me, and all of my friends. Have a nice life without me being the center of it.


I’ve made so much progress.. you saw me last year. Heard me cry on the phone, saw the depressed statuses everyday, read the endlessly-long love letters I’ve only ever written to you. You know how much improvement there’s been.. simply because now I can talk to you without sobbing. I can see you without it all rushing back to me…but there’s not been that much of an improvement.

As I write this now, there are tears streaming down my face and I don’t care enough to act happy to anyone, even to my boyfriend. He knows I think about you far more than I ever should. He must see that I will never move on enough. Will never think upon my wedding day without a subconscious flicker of the image we planned for ourselves… of the children we planned to raise.. of the life we planned to have.. together. You were everything to me, more so than anyone can ever be again.

I’ve just seen pictures of you with her. That’s what got this all started once again. I know she’ll never compare to me. I was your first, and you were mine. First kiss, first love, first everything. No one will ever know you in the way that I do.. before you changed. Before you became tainted by the world, the alcohol, and the ”friends,” who’ve done so much damage that I’ve wished them all dead, once upon a time. She doesn’t even know what she’s missing. She’s too dumb to recognize that there’s not even a soul in you anymore. You’ve cheated on all of us, I’m just the only one who you’ve ever told the truth to.. you knew that only I deserved the truth. That I expected the truth, even with the devastating consequences it has left in its wake.

Why? Despite every scar you’ve left on me. Despite the billions of tears I have cried for you. Despite the pain I have inflicted on myself when you would never sacrifice for me like I did for you… why do I still love you? Better yet, why, if there is anything good left in this world, why do I still want you so very much? That’s the million dollar question. I’ve spent years trying to figure it out…and know he will spend years cursing you for it.

Am I a masochist, or is this what true love really is?

so lost

i lay down on my bed, staring at a computer until the early morning. Secretly, i wish it were you. I’m attracted to an asshole that understands me better than anyone else. Not one birthday spent together, not one new year, no gifts. & i’m tired of being the only one trying. Everything is hurting me right now, and either way it’ll all end up the same. I want to go to an island, disappear, and emerge a new, happier person. I don’t know what to think sometimes, my heart gets the best of me. i am a very sad person.


Really? I can’t believe that was all there was. We had such a connection or so I thought. After the weekend I spent with you I really thought things were going in the right direction and then you come to visit and WOW I’m still not sure what happened. You left town and that was it. I’m trying to deal with what you say are issues you had to deal with your “demons”, but really not another from you..

Twisted Love Choices

Well..im so dang confused rite now..im involved with a man that ive been with for almost four years..very sweet but just doesnt have the qualities im lookn for..i bet ur sayin then why have i been with him for so long..its because its most def a one in a million guy..he is very honest, supportive, loyal and very cute and man is he great in bed but he can be a little to sensitive at times..i tend to like hard core guys for some reason..the negatives are that he is six years older than me and already have two kids, no education, and no car.. rite now im caught in between a rock and a hard spot..i still got love for my ex..i was with him for almost 5 years and we still talk til today as friends which makes it 11 years..he has no kids, and good job, tall, sexy, but not that good in bed..he recently was released from prison for drug charges but he got out and got a job with the quickness..i still love him for some..maybe its his thugness and is that were my heart have been all along..he still wants me and have been waiting on me even though he knows i have a man and he have friend girls from time to time..my man wants me to marry him but for some reason my heart doesnt want me to..should i follow my mind that is saying yes go head what are u waiting on or my heart that is saying no dont do it..it will be the biggest mistake of your life..i just wish i could turn back the hands of time..i wouldnt change much about my choices but the have made better career choices and stayed on my ex way harder than i was..maybe we would of still been together bc he wouldnt of went to prison..sigh..im just so confused rite now..