Hopeful utterances

I am so used to being utterly crushed
Demolished, incinerated between the
Telling lines and the next hopeful gaze!
I am always hoping to stir my soul awake
Where watery eyes in fields of flowers
Are the permeating staple on the brain.
Where love circulates the room
and seeps into my tendons!
Days where grace and mercy hold my hands
And we no longer pray
Because my soul has been infused
With an everlasting loyalty
To see life’s doors open up finally
And the air become an inescapable relief.


How do you know what’s real and what’s fake? What is manipulation? What’s not? Was I supposed to know the difference? Were you the real you with me or a fake you so you could bed me? Did you waste a single second thinking of me? Did you ever care if I knew or were you working double time to distort the difference? What reality were you and how could you enforce that hell on me? It’s better to have never known love than to have known a kind of love, loved and lost. That much I know. I wish I had never met you but chances are you never blinked. A blimp on your radar. I’d trade it all to forget you. Some demons are walking on Earth. I’m sad that you cared more for your needs and put mine so beneath you. A fucking mirage. Closure is a myth. I wish I knew your thinking but that’s the difference. Clarity can be a reality. You worked so hard to keep me from it. Fuck you, from the bottom of my heart. I relish the day I can tell you that.

Last Place

Dear A,

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand exactly how I feel. The last few years have felt like I’ve been running a race waist deep in water while everyone else has the advantage of dry land. The truth is: I’ve always hovered over an infinite ocean. And there was always something or someone that kept me above the surface that maintained an even playing field. I was never truly out of the race.

A — You were my bridge. You kept me going; encouraged me in ways I could not find anywhere else. Hell, with you I even felt like I was winning most of the time. I was always ahead of the demons against whom I compete. I know you were bruised and broken most of the time, often quite literally. But we complemented each other so beautifully that our goals were never out of reach. You have saved my life countless times figuratively, and even once quite literally.

And then I had to fuck it all up, like I do with everything. I didn’t just burn the bridge that you were. Out of my own insecurities and twisted frames of mind, I planted explosives, detonated them, and then jumped overboard into that ocean you were protecting me from. I hurt you…. I broke you…. and then I made sure that I left no way of ever getting back to you. Even if you were able to be repaired and made whole again, which I am quite sure you were, I cannot reach you from the depths to which I descended. You are still a bridge — a beautiful, expansive bridge that can take you anywhere you want to go while I flounder here waist-deep in this ocean of despair, running a now-pointless race I have no hopes of ever finishing, let alone win.

It’s been a few years now since I destroyed the only relationship that truly kept me sane and made me feel worthwhile. I’ve fallen lower, so much lower than I’ve ever been before, even when you saved me from myself. And not a conscious hour goes by where I don’t think about you and what you meant to me. I’ve completely lost myself. The enemies in my mind are taking over and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I’ve been trying to just live life, take care of my family, and feel some semblance of importance or value, but ultimately I have none. You were the only one who understood me and how my mind worked. You were the only one from whom I had no secrets. I could speak openly with you without fear of judgment and you could provide actual emotional and mental support and stimulation. Even in my marriage — hell, especially in my marriage — I can’t even come close to the level of connection you provided.

I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I deserve none. I’m not asking for reconciliation or any sort of amends. You have your family to provide for and yourself to care for. I would only get in the way in all forms of being. But I am sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry for shutting you out, putting you down, and essentially demolishing our entire friendship that kept us both going. I was the epitome of an asshole, and even that phrase should be awarded “Understatement of the Century”. My heart is and will continue to be heavy with regret every waking moment for the rest of my days. The only reason I am still here is because of my daughter, and I fear one day even that may not be enough.

And if that time comes, you won’t be there to save me again.


The sum of the fractional limits

I’ve been thinking …

Why couldn’t you just love me? I didn’t need a romantic relationship. After awhile I just wanted to know that those with whom I once felt close still regarded me as a person who was valuable to them.

I’ve seen you out a few times now. When I do I disappear quickly. I don’t want any more awkward conversations about nothing when I know that I don’t fit into your life anymore. But, I am happy now. These really are just the trace echoes of irresolution that no longer holds much weight for me. She shored it up when she became the only person to genuinely care how I may have felt growing up alone, without much of a family to speak of. She isn’t an only child herself; she just gets me. It feels right in a way I can’t explain.

I’m not sure why it’s important to me that you know all of this.

Perhaps to clear the confusion.

Love as a beautiful word

Finally left the meaningless and

In between the air hockey and loud music

I began to feel my bones shift in their sockets

And my heart thump a peculiar pattern.

Keep loving the wrong ones and you will never learn

To love the right ones, the chiming says.

Addicted to the hits, they were my crux, my vice when

Bottomless thoughts pooled together to form

Dark, heated, sensual nights.

But nothing meaningful can truly come out of nothingness

And that’s all they were.

Hearing the notes of new music

Helps batter the old ones into the mix.

I will make mountains and

Sceneries with your name, and love will become a beautiful

Word again.


Tell me there’ll be a day when I’m not suffering from anxiety.

Tell me there’ll come a time when I’m over it, like a cold or a stomach bug and I’m not throwing up feelings in my chest that don’t make sense. I want to explode, implode, burst into flame. I want to curl into a soft, space place. I want to run away. Anything that makes it stop, stop stop.

I want to see the end of this fear. Fear of nothing, fear of everything. I’m waiting for all this help to help. To step on the support of others and find myself in the rafters.

I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you, and it’s just me. All me. All present. No deep dark thoughts or anxious whispers or terrible visions. I just want to be with you, and be ok. I just need to be ok, and believe it.

Tell me,
Tell me,
Tell me.

Tell me until I believe it.